End of the Tour by P.C. (me) - Short - A young man returns from his tour of duty only to find out that everything has changed. 1 pages - pdf, format

Hey Pia, this was pretty good for a one pager it actually had a plot which is pretty hard to do in such a short period of time, so good job at that.  If there is one thing I would change I think it would be the ending, the twisted part of me would rather have had Robert exact his revenge than do what he does.  And the one line "Did you miss me at all when I was in Iraq"  I think just "Did you miss me while I was gone"  It just seems a little more natural I think.  Anyways this was still a tight script told in such a short period.  Good work.

I liked this a lot, but where's the rest? Is a scene from something much larger? I really hope so because this one page drew me in. My only issue, and it's a personal preference, was that he kills himself. Why? It doesn't really make sense to me. If anything, just being back from the war you'd think he would be the aggressor and take the no good, cheating woman out. Very nice job.

A review as short as your script...

Complete but unfulfilling. I also think this would work better as part of a larger script (if expanded). I'd also like to see this girl's brains fly. It's just so offputting to see this guy still in love with this girl even when he's seeing what's really going on first hand... and with a sniper rifle in his hands, no less. It doesn't work.

Hey

Interesting 1pager here. But as almost everyone commented on, should be expanded. I also found the ending not working well. As much as he hates her, he should have killed both of them and then himself. Or probably have some black and then the gunshot to keep it mysterious.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Not a big fan of 1 pagers, but this one is one of the best I read.

Less than half a page and I was already hooked. The conflict kicks in fast and strong.

Not an actual critique but I have to wonder how would this story have played if you opened from the woman’s POV.

Revealing the presence of the sniper from her POV (i.e. as she lies through the phone, bullets suddenly start flying around her) could have been more surprising. Like Scream’s opening (with the difference that, here, the psycho speaking through the phone has also a sniper rifle and has the victim in the crosshairs).

I would try to give you some ideas for expansion if I think you needed them, but I imagine you kept this to one page to meet some contest’s requirement.

Quick, interesting read. Good job.

I never received an e-mail regarding this one being posted, so when I first checked in I thought it was interesting that someone else had the same title.

Thanks you guys for reading!
Mr. Z is correct, this was for an unofficial online comp where the rule was 1 page or less. I placed in the top third...  Most scripts submitted, although not bad were mostly just jokes. A set-up and a punch line. I tried realy hard to write an actual story. It was pretty darn hard! I'm usually ok with 5 pages, but 1 is tough.

Anyway I appreciate all your input and about the ending, all I can say is that I chose it after having read about the high suicide rate of soldiers coming back from iraq.

Thanks guys!      

Hi Pia

I really liked this. I'm doing something similar for my scarefest entry, although that one is a little longer. I imagine it was really difficult to keep this as short. Well done with it, fitted in a lot of backstory and it was a good read. The only thing I thought was there should have been another line from the woman at the end, while the phone is on the floor.

Ste

Thanks for reading!

Yes, it was very tough to tell a story in one page. I would have liked to add another line by the woman, but there simply was not enough room. I didn't even have room for FADE IN and FADE OUT! And I even used the "tight" settings.

Thanks again for reading.

PS. Your link in your sig to your script doesn't work...  

Oh yeah, forgot to change it to the new server. Fixed it now, cheers.

Hey Pia,

This was pretty damn good for a one-pager. Lotsa emotions here. I was surprised at how easy you made me hate the woman and feel sorry for Robert (great name by the way). Part of me really wanted to see him blowing her adulterous head off but you ended it the right way cos' obviously, his love for this woman is so great.

Good stuff.

Cheers
Rob

Very emotional for a one pager.  You really put across Robert's pain.

These are the harsh realities that often await soldiers when they come home, and you captured that well.

Personally I would've made him burst in there and take a flamethrower to those traitors, letting the flames of my rage purify the wicked! ...but that's my answer to all of lifes problems!

I liked it as it is.  The fact that when he sees her belly, he puts the rifle down and puts his pistol in his mouth raises him above her even further in my estimation.  At the risk of sounding like a student in freshman English, it makes him into a bit of a Christ figure of sorts.  He's been off at war, suffering hardship, while she's been at home "sinning against" him, and now, he dies for her sin.

Quoted from me Anyway I appreciate all your input and about the ending, all I can say is that I chose it after having read about the high suicide rate of soldiers coming back from iraq.

You are correct in the high rate of suicides, but it is generally not because they catch a wife/girlfriend cheating on them. I would still kill the woman and her lover and then he can take himself out. I'd really like to see this  one page developed into somethign a little more. You have a great story here.

Hey Pia, I like the way this ended. You could have easily had Robert kill his girlfriend(?) and I think people would have accepted that. But no, you decided that you would tug on the readers emotion and throw us a curve ball. My only minor complaint is that I didn't like Robert's line "Did you miss me at all when I was in Iraq?". Maybe it's just me, but I think that line could be said differently withoutgiving out too much info.

I really like these super-short scripts you write. Do you have any more?

I'll give this one a 9/10

~Zack~