The Loon by Jesse - Horror - Sshh!  Did you hear that?  55 pages - pdf, format

It’s apparent from the beginning that you’ve worked your friends, and yourself, into the script. This is all well and good if you all just want to be in a film together. Unfortunately, you’ve compromised the script because of it. When you don’t distinguish between your many characters, none have a clear voice. None are set apart from each other in any way, whether by their own personality or physical description (save for the girl, of course).

You might take it for granted that you know what your friends look like. Your reader doesn’t have this luxury. I’m guessing your friends all have unique aspects to your personalities. Do your friends justice by letting these traits shine through in your script.

Furthermore, you don’t have a main character. Mike seems like he wants to fill that role, at times.

What is this “off this we...” that you use? Is it supposed to be “off this way,” or is it some sort of scene transition? In the latter case, it’s unnecessary. Also unnecessary are the “We sees” sprinkled throughout the script. It is understood by your very writing it that it will be seen.

Beats, too, are unnecessary. You can accomplish the same thing by describing whatever the character is doing during the pause. It could be something as trivial as a gaze, but it’s still better than a beat. You don’t need the CUT TO: between scenes, either.

I liked the fry joke. It paid off when he asked Craig about the oven. I also liked the cats being considered royalty joke.

As of page 24, there is very little tension in the script. Craig seems really nice, actually, and that’s fine. Nice can be creepy. But he needs a little bit of an edge, especially earlier in the film when you’re trying to build tension.

Mike and Jesse continue to make jokes after their friends are dead (like when they burst out of the cabin like SWAT members). Seems a bit unrealistic.

I hated the ending. Jesse had enough sense of reason to go in and call the cops; why would he go insane just a few minutes later. If you’re just in love with this ending, you could always foreshadow this early on, perhaps with his sister’s death. Also, Jesse wasn’t present when Craig made the comment on the loon’s sound, and thus I doubt would just happen to say something so similar.

I’ve got to say, I liked Craig’s dialogue later in the film, when he actually plays the role of the villain. Just give him more of an edge earlier in the film; build some tension.  For a shorter script, it takes a while for this one to get going. Of course, you could always extend it and develop your characters a little more.