Eldorado by Matias Caruso (Mr. Z) - Short, Fantasy - A knight's quest in his search for Eldorado - adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's poem. 5 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for posting this, Don.

If anyone's interested, here's the original poem:

http://www.pambytes.com/poe/poems/eldorado.html

While I understand it was based on a Poe poem, I would rather have seen this as a feature length script. Your descriptions were very visual and I enjoyed your story telling.


Phil

Hey Matias

I really enjoyed this.  I've read the poem before but read it again and you expanded it very well.  Your descriptions are great and it's easy to imagine the wonderful world that Echelon searches.

I agree, this could be extend to a feature but I think it works well as is too.  It works well as a short story and everything is there.  The opening battle is dramatic and the V.O.'s work a treat, filling in a story that Echelon must now continue.

In such a short script you created some good characters.  Echelon as the ever reliable hero, willing to do as his queen asks without hesitation and poor Wisehart who has spent his life searching but has lost his mind along his travels.

I thought this was very good Matias.

I'll agree with dogglebe and alffy that your descriptions are great, though there were just one or two awkward arrangements that caught me off guard. But other than those, your descriptions, particularly of action sequences, are quite compelling. You did right to open the script with such a tense, action-packed scene.

I hesitate to talk much about character development in a five-page script, as I know you have little room, but what is Echelon's motivation, aside from the queenly request, to find Eldorado? It seems he should have something personal at stake; or is that just part of his personality, much like the seeker before him?

Also, the shadow in the tent threw me through a loop for a second. Am I to assume this is death's shadow, lingering about? I liked this touch, but it broke from the otherwise realistic feel of the script, even if the knights are searching for a fabled city. Perhaps if you were to work in the shadow earlier, maybe where only the audience or reader would see it. Maybe on the battlefield, for if ever there is a place death lurks, it is there.

I also agree with dogglebe that this could be a great feature-length script, if you want to go that route. What you have here kept my interest, so much so that it almost seems like it would be a perfect "long trailer" to a feature film. This is the only reason I nitpick about characterization in a five-page script: because I think this has a lot of potential. Though you borrowed for your source material, it was indeed refreshing to read something that wasn't based on King Arthur, Troy, Sparta, the Odyssey, Beowulf, or any other number of oft-adapted and over done texts.

Really, I hate to nitpick. I just think your writing and descriptions are great, and this could make a very intriguing feature-length script.

Very good indeed,

You started wit a punch and it never stopped. Your descriptions, as you already know, are great. You really envisioned what was going on writing this.

Can't wait to see what you write for a feature.

Thanks for the read and comments, guys.

I don’t know if I could expand this into a feature but you’re right; the five page length felt definitely short for this story.

Quoted from Handle but what is Echelon's motivation, aside from the queenly request, to find Eldorado? It seems he should have something personal at stake; or is that just part of his personality, much like the seeker before him?

Echelon’s motivation was his duty to his country/kingdom which was in a bad economic situation because of the war and needed the gold. I did try to brainstorm additional motivations and make it personal for Echelon, but I couldn’t come up with anything. I agree that his quest would have been more compelling if there was something personal at stake for him.

Glad you liked it guys, thanks again for your comments.

Hey Matias

An excellent short you have here except that it can be stretched a bit longer such as explaining the shadow and showing more of his journey.

When are you going to write a feature? That'll be something to see.  

Gabe

I really dig the atmosphere you've got going here. The forests, the caves, the swamps, the battlefield... it's all great. The concept's pretty sweet as well. Unfortunately, your script suffers from a contradictory nature; it's micro and it's epic. Solution? Considering the amount of contests you've won, I'd say you're too good at this epic stuff to just write shorts. The Tower of Wishes works better as a short but I would say this would make a better feature.

Nevertheless, good stuff.

Thanks a lot for your comments. The consensus seems to be that this one needs expansion... and that I need to write something longer haha.

I'm writing features, I promise, but this 5 page suckers are such a good way to procrastinate.

Thanks again.

I just finished your screenplay and honestly, it did nothing for me or my imagination.

There were the soldiers who were not tough enough to avoid being skewered by the same sword in the opening scene.

The lead, Echelon, goes from 30 to 80 in no time flat -- all the while lopping off a wolf's head? Nor was the shadow of death interesting.

I got the feeling that you were using rehashed ideas about someone else's legend -- then I read that you used a well known poem for your inspiration. Work for the Coen Brothers -- not a hit in this instance.

The dialogue was weak. It seemed to flow well, but it was headed south.
The scene with the falcon being downed and the note being discovered and read was unnecessary, I believe.

Not trying to be a contrarian here, just thinking that you could have done much better with such a rich piece.

Thanks for your honesty, courhaw. Sorry you didn't like it.

I liked it, encapsulated a lot in such a short piece.
Just one point, I wished the twins didn't have rotten teeth.
Can you make them a bit more hygenic.

Quoted from Keith Blackwell Just one point, I wished the twins didn't have rotten teeth. Can you make them a bit more hygenic.

Haha, that was my attempt at being creepy.

Glad you liked it. Thanks for checking this out.