See You Around by Amin Osman (aminosman5) - Short - College student Nicole bumps into a guy she briefly met freshman year... but coincidence turns to fear as she keeps seeing him everywhere she goes. 15 pages - pdf, format

Great premise for a story.  I thought the dialog was (forgive the term) Buffy-esque, similar in the quick and quirky banter served up by the writers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. (that's not saying its a bad thing)  I liked the pacing.  It read pretty easy.  



**SPOILER



One thing that tripped me up is what Steve's motivation was in playing the purse snatcher for Nicole.  I got the the impression that he was in a relationship with Tess, yet he is in cahoots with Nicole and keeping it from Tess..... of course, if you meant to subtly reference the earlier line of Tess to Steve "Please, as if you could keep anything from me."  If he is in with Nicole, I don't understand the motivation.  

overall, a good read and good idea.

thanks-- i'm a huge buffy/angel fan, so i'm taking the dialog comment as a compliment!

re: steve's motivation... i guess that was kind of glossed over.  i just wrote steve as being subservient (as in tess telling him to leave the room toward the beginning), and he's definitely with tess but has close friendship/connection with nicole (seen in his line "we have lots of secrets, really cool ones").  so, i just wrote it as him being a good friend of nicole's-- i don't think he knows that she's insane, i think he just thought he was helping out a friend and he's too dumb/genial to ask any questions.

of course i wrote this thing in 30 minutes because i was rushing for a deadline, so it's a lot of style over substance/logic.  i was writing it for one of my film classes with the hopes of it getting picked to be filmed, and they don't really like anything deep or interesting lol.

This was quite good. I liked it a lot. The dialogue seemed quick and fresh. In its own world.


One thing bothered me while i was reading...at one point you say

TESS
The stoned guy who smelled like
Woodstock?
STEVE
Woodstock the Charlie Brown
character?

I think it'd be better if Steve went "Woodstock from Charlie Brown?" Instead of "the charlie brown character?"

When its said out loud it'll make a world of difference. In my opinion anyway.

ok i'm at page 7 and wow is this a throw to Buffy(hint i've only seen a few episode but this is uncanny and hard to overlook) Just make sure to try and develope something of your own style. Still this is great. Smart, unique, good job!

The idea is sort a cliched. I mean hellooo world, weirdo stalker on the loose, who hasn't heard that one before. But you delivered this one well. I'm in shock i liked it.

Great job!

  Let’s start at the ending shall we, with the twist. I don’t think that it was much of surprise given that when it comes to a stalker story the “I’m stalking you, maybe you’re stalking me.” Argument is never too far. And considering that Max never accused her of that, and give that is the first argument anybody would use, I mean you are on a college campus, see lots of the same people if you’re look for it. It’s like you avoided bringing it up to have your ending, which is contrived, which don’t get me wrong is what screenwriting is all about.
  But I saw that this was an assignment. And well done from that perspective.
  
  Another thing that got in the way of the ending was motive because you’re dialogue is so good. Great dialogue by the way. That Max and Nicole seem to hit it off so well, why did she need that elaborate scheme. You’re dialogue is too much of a good thing, lol. What I liked about the dialogue is that it didn’t seemed forced, you liked the characters and the all seemed to be an actual person with their own personality. I mean I know you mention in the narrative that they appear to be but that’s different then delivering it with the characters words and actions. I read a lot of characters where the dialogue gives the description, “22 emo, etc…” but that’s just a side not to the actors that means nothing to the audience you have to show personality, which is the meat of the whole “show don’t tell” expression.
Loved Tess by the way, too. I didn’t get Steve’s motives either but I did come to the same conclusion you did, which is he didn’t know the full extent of Nicole’s madness he was just having fun with a friend.


But job well done. Did you at least get a good grade for this?


Thanks, Blb

Thanks for the comments--

I agree that the final twist is a little forced.  I basically had the ending in mind, but had to go back and change the rest of the script to fit it... though I think if it had been chosen to be filmed the camera work would have gone a long way to make it seem more realistic.

I didn't get a grade, but it was one of the two finalist scripts that my class chose to produce-- in the end, another one won out over it.  But, I wrote the other one too-- so I still ended up happy 'cause something of mine got filmed!  It's a weird little sci-fi piece that I also posted here-- http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/FINDERSKEEPERSDraft3.pdf