Tis The Season by James McClung - Comedy, Drama, Fantasy - A bitter employee at Santa's Workshop must spend the Christmas season with a lonely stranger as part of a North Pole instituted suicide watch program. 96 pages - pdf, format

Hey James, just got finished reading your script.  You could have called this Bad Santa 2....lol.

I think this was a pretty interesting idea, writing a comedy about suicide, and a hard core foul mouthed comedy at that.

I really liked the opening with Cringle, I think that set a good tone for your story, we know right off the bat this isn't gonna be anything like Fred Claus.

Randal is an amusing character, I don't know if you kinda based him on the Billy Bob Thorton character from Bad Santa, but they are similar in a few ways.

The idea of Randal being sent to what over a would be suicide I think is great and it does start out funny with him basically kidnapping Dylan, but I think the story losses steam after their initial altercation.

I really didn't feel any kind of chemistry between Randall and Dylan.  Randal is a funny character but Dylan just felt flat through the whole story.  I think if Dylan was able to really get under Randall's skin, and really push him it would have been stronger.  There is a movie called midnight run with deniro and charles grodin, it has a similar idea, two people stuck together for a period of time, the way charles grodin is able to really get deniro worked up was brilliant, he just kept pushing him and pushing him and never stopped.  I think if Dylan was like that there would be a lot more comedic opportunities.

I think the story comes to a halt with Dylan's speeches about why he is depressed, that didn't work for me at all.  I think if he had some dark secret that was really tearing him apart it would punch it up a bit.

When Randal goes back to the north pole the story livens up again, I liked the north pole stuff the most, especially the beginning with the carolers.

I did like the ending with Dylan and Randall and how it comes full circle, I just wanted more dynamics between them during the meat of the story.

So i think this is an interesting script with some very funny moments and some colorful dialog, I just think the relationship between Dylan and Randall needs to be worked on a little more, still this is a fun read.

Thanks for the read, Jordan. Yeah, Randall and Dylan's relationship was really hard to work on and still is. I didn't want Dylan to be a stereotypical character because nobody would like him then but then he would get under Randall's skin more. I think I can just make him more emotional without coming off as a crybaby. I think Dylan being emotional in general gets under Randall's skin because he doesn't show emotion to anybody. It's been a tricky balancing act though. I'll work on it for sure.

Hey James.

Yeah I’ve been reading this script on and off between writing my own stuff.  I really have been enjoying it.

Glad to see you can do so much more then just brilliant vivid descriptions of hard-core blood soaked violence.

I really dig the cranky crass type humour and you do a good job of it with Randall. You nail down his alcoholic bitterness perfectly and he is just a joy to read.

Favourite Randall moments are the way he avoids listening to Dylan beg and plead while taped up in a chair. Plus Randall’s refusal to let a phone call interrupt his masturbation session. Priceless.  

This has a lot to do with your dialogue. Top stuff. You manage to capture the personality of each character through their speech.

I have to disagree with reviewer above about no chemistry between two characters and Dylan feels flat. I thought the character dynamics between the two where perfect. Dylan low self-esteem, timid personality is the Ying to Randall’s foul loud and aggressive Yang.    

On thing I did notice is that you seem to have no real story. It just two people stuck together for a few days and they get to know each other or on each other’s nerves.

There are a lot of great scenes but you have no major central problem or conflict between main characters for drama, raise stakes or anything like that.

It doesn’t feel like a real movie, as it doesn’t have all of the above.  

But I am thinking that maybe you wanted this to be a character study more then plot driven? If that makes sense?

Any who I’m up to page 74 and will keep reading cause the reviewer above said the best scenes are in North Pole and I want to know why.  

I haven't seen Bad Santa so I can't make any comparisons there but I really enjoyed the script. Nothing against James but I liked that Dylan was a dull character because he mentioned that his girlfriend thought he had no personality and he was a mama's boy, so I got the impression that he succumbed to those criticisms.

The end of the story seemed a little darker than what I was expecting though. I liked the way the two characters built their relationship but I think I would have preferred if they had branched out a little further and met a few other people so it wasn't just the two of them spending time depressed and drinking indefinitely. Randall had a flash of this with his interaction with Chloe but I don't have any optimism for Dylan other than Randall's comment about his heart. Maybe if we had seen him drinking at a bar and meeting a girl or making a friend I would've felt better for the characters' futures.

That's just a thought I had though and if you were aiming for something darker, feel free to ignore. Thanks for the engaging read!

Quoted from tonkatough Glad to see you can do so much more then just brilliant vivid descriptions of hard-core blood soaked violence.

Thanks for the read, Glenn. Yeah, I'm kinda taking a break from horror right now. I've got another feature length one ready to go but I want to write something else like this before I cut into that one. Comedy's been fun to write so far and I enjoy perfecting my style in a (sorta) lighter genre.

I really dig the cranky crass type humour and you do a good job of it with Randall. You nail down his alcoholic bitterness perfectly and he is just a joy to read.

Favourite Randall moments are the way he avoids listening to Dylan beg and plead while taped up in a chair. Plus Randall’s refusal to let a phone call interrupt his masturbation session. Priceless.  

This has a lot to do with your dialogue. Top stuff. You manage to capture the personality of each character through their speech.

Quoted from tonkatough On thing I did notice is that you seem to have no real story. It just two people stuck together for a few days and they get to know each other or on each other’s nerves. There are a lot of great scenes but you have no major central problem or conflict between main characters for drama, raise stakes or anything like that. It doesn’t feel like a real movie, as it doesn’t have all of the above.   But I am thinking that maybe you wanted this to be a character study more then plot driven? If that makes sense?

This is true and unfortunately, I have no real defense. My focus was on the characters and the arc of their relationship as well as their own personal growth. Neither of them has a real goal, common or otherwise. Given the subject matter, I wanted to take a more real-life approach to this and less movie-ish structure. I guess I'll have to hear a few more comments before I can say it worked or not. I'm pretty happy with it so far though.

Quoted from bobtheballa I haven't seen Bad Santa so I can't make any comparisons there but I really enjoyed the script. Nothing against James but I liked that Dylan was a dull character because he mentioned that his girlfriend thought he had no personality and he was a mama's boy, so I got the impression that he succumbed to those criticisms.

That's accurate. Dylan's definitely taken criticisms to heart and they've affected him for the worse. Plus I thought passivity was important for the character. I think for the most part, people who are genuinely suicidal are introverted and reserved and the people who threaten to commit suicide want attention, whether or not their threats are genuine.

Quoted from bobtheballa Randall had a flash of this with his interaction with Chloe but I don't have any optimism for Dylan other than Randall's comment about his heart. Maybe if we had seen him drinking at a bar and meeting a girl or making a friend I would've felt better for the characters' futures.

This is a very good point and I'm definitely going to incorporate it into the rewrite. Dylan's ray of light is going to the psych ward, where he's in an environment where he's cared for and accepted. Thinking about it now though, it's not enough. I think I might have Dylan meet someone in the ward whon he could have a potential relationship with when they get out.

Big thanks for that and for the read.

This is what I like to a call a morbidly dark comedy! A real attention grabber for me is dialogue. Some of the dialogue in your screenplay harkens back to Kevin Smith and the Clerks franchise. The witty dialogue is what I liked the best.

I would liked to have seen the character of Dylan go from being an awkward wuss to Randalls smart A** equal.

The script was a very quick read and it had a great flow.

I lost my mother almost two years. She suffered from several ailments, each one making the other worse. Her passing didn't make me suicidal, but from taking care of her for so long and being her constant companion, I could definately relate to Dylan. When something like that happens, there really is a void. The lonliness it leaves is oppressive. What can I say, boys love their moms!

Again, a lot of the dialogue exchanges between Cringle and Randall are classic! Well done indeed!

Jerry

Quoted from jerrynoe_71 This is what I like to a call a morbidly dark comedy! A real attention grabber for me is dialogue. Some of the dialogue in your screenplay harkens back to Kevin Smith and the Clerks franchise. The witty dialogue is what I liked the best. I would liked to have seen the character of Dylan go from being an awkward wuss to Randalls smart A** equal. The script was a very quick read and it had a great flow. I lost my mother almost two years. She suffered from several ailments, each one making the other worse. Her passing didn't make me suicidal, but from taking care of her for so long and being her constant companion, I could definately relate to Dylan. When something like that happens, there really is a void. The lonliness it leaves is oppressive. What can I say, boys love their moms! Again, a lot of the dialogue exchanges between Cringle and Randall are classic! Well done indeed! Jerry

Thanks for the read, Jerry. I'm actually surprised you were able to find the time to read two of my scripts in relatively short order. If you've got something on the site or got something coming up, let me know so I can check it out.

Dylan becoming a "smart A** equal" to Randall could technically happen but I don't think it would. Dylan doesn't want to be like Randall, he just doesn't look at life the same way, and ultimately, Randall is even more unhappy than Dylan because of his facade. They do have a similar moment in the bar though, I think, when they see the drunk couple making out.

I'm glad you found Dylan to be relateable. Seriously, it was tough to find something that would make him a sympathetic character. Randall too. I think nowadays, people try to push the idea that you don't have the right to be depressed unless you're poor, disabled or terminally ill. Nevertheless, I think everyone can relate to the loss of family members.

Thanks again.

I have a script up called The Ragman, based on the DC Comics character of the same name. It's an adaption, and my first work. I read through it the other day and found lots of spelling errors which I'll have to fix and I think I might add a scene or two for the rewrite. When ever you get a chance, please read it and tell me what you think. I'll take good and bad criticism so don't hold anything back!

Jerry

Finished the script

Laughed so hard snot blast out my nose with the reindeer heads all mounted on the wall. Gold.

The character arc and dialouge for this story is good stuff. and very enjoyable to read.

Now that I have finished the whole script I want to comment more on my comment that you have no plot structure for this script.

I feel to go back and add a central problem, a goal or objective or some sort of plot that can be summed up in a one sentence logline may just get in the way of and distract from the focus of the growing friendship and character arc between the two main characters.

You have an awesome idea of Christmas being sold and dismantled by corporations that you would have enough material to spin a huge epic goliath vs David battle story.

But the snappy dialouge and drunken angst of main character is just fine as at is.    

Hey James

This was funny. I liked the chlorform scene between Dylan and Randall. Maybe extend that scene a bit longer with Randalll chasing Dylan possibly rather than him fainting. I really liked the relationship you built for both them. And the dialgoue really catches their personality well.  Good job. Is their a sequel coming? I got the feel for it.

Thinking of it now, maybe you should have included a scene with the corporation as a physical pressence rather than just mentioned. Maybe a guy in a suit talking to Santa or Randall.

Gabe

Hey James,

Just popping in two cents worth over here before I go to the Script Club thread.

On the whole, I liked the script, but I agree with previous posts about their being a lack of story.  I think there's a goal here, but it never really becomes as much of a conflict as you would see in typical scripts.  This is fine, however, I'm not entirely sure I can see much of an arc in any of the characters either.  Sure, they change a little, but I'm not sure if I can really classify it as being an arc.

Randall is slightly less of an a**hole and Dylan seems to be a little more in tune with his problem and how to deal with it, but that's about it.  To me, they seem like half arcs.

I'll touch a little more on how I see the structure in the other thread, but one thing that seemed a little unnecessary is the teen suicide at the beginning.  It doesn't really do a whole lot other than to establish that Chloe is watching and reporting to Cringle, and you could establish that without using those extra pages.

Two errors of note that I spotted in multiple places.

"duck tape" - should be "duct"

Cringle's "slay" - should be "sleigh" (or is that a Horror Freudian slip, haha)

Anyway, definitely off the beaten path, but a good dark comedy read.

Thanks for the reads, guys. Yeah, I agree the script probably needs more direction. There's tons of directions these guys could go though. It'll take time to think of something worth while and true to the story.

Quoted from Shelton I'm not entirely sure I can see much of an arc in any of the characters either.  Sure, they change a little, but I'm not sure if I can really classify it as being an arc. Randall is slightly less of an a**hole and Dylan seems to be a little more in tune with his problem and how to deal with it, but that's about it.  To me, they seem like half arcs.

This is true but completely intentional. I wanted to break from the typical character arc formula and shoot for something more realistic for once. I felt as if these characters' problems could be solved in one big epiphany or event. It sometimes takes a long time for people like them to change. It also didn't feel true to the story to say that life is good and everyone is beautiful nor to say it's all black. There's kind of a luke warm attitude to life going on here.

The script ends at the characters' turning points, not their transformations. Not very movie-ish, I suppose, but I think true to the story.

Hi James, already finished with this one.

I’ll start with the most important comment I got about this script. It’s much better than the last one I read (I think it was Black Market) which means, you’re getting better.

I was amused by Randall’s cynicism. I enjoyed his wise A** jokes and his “cruelty” towards Dylan. The cursing, drooling, vomiting, masturbating, etc, didn’t bother me. Not at all. But I think you could tone down these things a bit and get the same point across.

It’s pretty hard to tell how much is too much, since this entirely a matter of subjective appreciation. Maybe is just me, and I hope I’m not sounding like a pussy, but I felt like you crossed the line, albeit slightly.

I liked that it didn’t took you long to introduce protagonist, goal, stakes, and obstacles. The first act is tight. I believe it could be a bit tighter though.

Nothing wrong in how the opening scene is written, but I think you could cut it in benefit of the greater good, since the story still makes sense without it, and the teenager isn’t a relevant character after all.

I can see why you wrote this scene, though. Guess you wanted to open with something shocking (which is good). But no matter how dark this comedy is, opening with a suicide might not be helpful to set the appropriate tone.

I think you could open with Chloe’s scene. The message that pops up on her screen is quite intriguing. I think that scene’s got what it takes to hook the reader.

Randall and Dylan’s anti-chemistry was the highlight of the second act. Their interaction and contrasting personalities (albeit the f****d up common ground) was fun to read. You did a good with the charaterization.

I wish that Dylan represented more of a challenge for Randall, since he managed to dominate him pretty quick. During most part of the second act, Randall seems to have Dylan under control.

Since the protagonist’s goal is to keep a suicidal alive, I think the plot demands more scenes where the suicidal escapes the protagonist’s “custody”. By making Dylan sneakier, you’ll give Randall much bigger headaches, escalating the conflict, and injecting more dynamism into the second act.

I don’t think you need to go all the way and allow Dylan to make a suicide attempt (once he does, it’s hard to laugh), but it would be cool if you give him enough rope to get close (repeatedly) keeping Randall busy and on edge.

Some minor notes & additional nonsense:

P.4 “A complete an utter s***hole” Lol, nice one.

P.13 Liked the reasons that the boss gave to assign Randall to this case.

My only problem with his speech is that he tells Randall lots of things about his past that he already knows, so it becomes clear that this information is given for the audience’s benefit. I wish you could find a smoother way to slip this exposition.

p.22 “Pleae don t rape me” LOL

p.26 Liked the different temperature preferences. Yet another detail that reveals these guys’ different backgrounds and personalities.

P.54 It’s believable that a drunk Randall would punch Dylan, but I’d suggest to limit his reaction to some verbal abuse. The punch seemed like too much. Randall is supposed to be a jerk, but in order to keep him a likeable jerk, I think it would be better if he isn’t so cruel here.

P.86 I don’t usually watch dark comedies so take this with a grain of salt, but I think the suicide scene might be a bit too graphic for the comedic approach you’re aiming for.

Overall, I think you didn’t disappoint; Randall put a smile on my face more than once. You’re really getting better with each script, man. Keep writing.