Unwritten :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hey Amin,

I didn’t read the script but I watched the film.

Let me first start by saying that I think you’re a pretty good writer of dialogue. A few parts came off as a bit contrived but some of it came off as almost improvisational and that’s a really good thing.

As for you personally, you’re a pretty good actor. And you’ve got a good look. You’re a nice looking guy and you have a certain something that could serve you well if you keep it up.

Here are your two biggest obstacles the way I see it:

1) As with many small budget independent films, the acting isn’t so great. Your lead actress is pretty decent and with some work, you could probably get a good performance from her on something. Your own acting could use a little more heart but you don’t come off as stale as most of the acting you see in these types of films. A good performance from a good actor is worth gold in your position so your greatest strength is actually yourself. You’re good looking enough and talented enough that with some work, you could really go places.

2) You’re writing doesn’t have enough conflict. There’s too much just ordinary living without any conflict or drama until the very end. The film doesn’t really have any conflict at all until the argument with your lead female character. That scene needs some tightening but it’s basically where the story begins to really show any teeth. The twist at the end was good.

You’ve got to add tension from start to finish. Things have to keep happening to move the story along. It isn’t enough to just show a guy having what appears to be a relatively normal college life. He’s late with his paper. So what? So are a lot of college students. It’s two weeks from the deadline and he hasn’t started. Big deal. A lot of college kids don’t start their papers until it’s almost due. Lots of college kids throw their college careers away with irresponsibility. But your character is actually one of the better, more responsible ones by most people’s standards - until the end of course.

There’s no reason to be concerned about your character at all. Even with the argument with his girlfriend, there isn’t really anything unusual. His relatively uneventful daily routine goes on and on beyond what the average viewer would care.

You need more teeth throughout the story. You’ve got to put your character through more hell. You make it too easy on him. He keeps saying he has a plan but other than that, there’s not much to show.

The scene where he discusses the lead female character’s lack of backup was good in that it helped foreshadow events to come. And the argument scene helped establish - finally - that your character could be a jerk and wasn’t just an ordinary guy. But the actual argument itself had some on the nose dialogue. His tirade about being organized didn’t ring true. It sounded more like a professor lecturing a student than a boyfriend talking down to his girlfriend.

You have some talent. And as I said, you have some other things going for you as well. You can write and act. And you’re good looking. You need to work on your writing and acting but you have a lot of good raw potential. You have more than the average filmmaker in your position. You’ve got to learn to use that to your advantage.

You need a story that puts the main character through the ringer. Something that’s got the meat for a good memorable performance. Then you’ve got to deliver that performance and catch it on film. Do that and then enter it into competitions. Get yourself out there. But produce the product first.

Seriously, you’ve got the raw materials to make it. And I certainly wouldn’t tell you that if I didn’t believe it. Now stretch yourself. Put yourself out there. Push yourself for that story and that performance.

Good luck with your filmmaking career, Amin.

Breanne