The Red Eye by D. Alan  Birch - (Alan Birch) - Short, Drama - 0 - pdf, format

Sounds like this is someone's job.

Overall I thought it was okay.  Had a nice thriller, heist vibe that what drama enough for me.

The characters' actions and procedures were authentic and extensive almost to a fault.  You may want to dumb it down for readers.  When being so accurate, you have to differentiate between universals and shop talk.  Th mailracks or whatever can be called that, not L-3whatever's.  It's good to give the audience a lesson but in terms THEY will understand, not YOU.

Pet peeve: the use and OVERuse of "beat."

The main problem I have is Ivan's sudden turn to crime.  He is written with no motivation to commit his crime other than the fact that it is there.

Quite a lot of grammatical errors and editing flaws, most notably being Don's name changing to John by the end of the script.  Kind of shows a disregard for the second biggest character when you can't even remember his name.

The "line" worked well in it and didn't seem too forced.

Basically the main problems were that it, at times, lost accesability to the reader in both language and otivation. It has promise but needs work.

This was quite well researched. You must have worked for an airline or have a fascination for them or something. But, you know, though I appreciate all the research you must have done it doesn't mean that I want to do the research too. And I had to do a lot of it with this script.  There was way too much jargon in this script and I had to google it.

I think you have an interesting concept but you started it out too slow.  Watching people in a control room is not very interesting to me.  It didn't draw me into the script.  Plus I didn't find that much of the information in these scenes was very useful to the story (either that or I didn't understand what they were talking about).  

When the story finally got underway there wasn't any real indication of what it was going to be about.  You had a good scene in the plane (and I wanted to smack you over the term LD3 WHY couldn't you just say cargo container?) but then you went into this story between the protag and some other guy who we have no introduction to - and then at the end they become more like each other?  I don't even get what they were like in the first place.  The ending meant nothing to me.

You are a good writer. But I think you should take everything but the scene inside the plane and burn it.  Then rewrite this with a clear arc for your protag, some backstory, and developed characters.  

Sorry if this seems a bit harsh, but it's late at night here - this was the first OWC entry I read and it put me in a cranky mood.  Next time you read one of my scripts you are welcome to give me a cranky review and I'll understand.

This, for me, is a little over written.  The descriptions are great but it all starts to drag a bit and distract from the story, I like some descriptions but at times tis began to read as a novel.

Ivan wanting to be like Don, and vice versa is an example of how this is good in a book but for a script not easily shown.

Maybe I'm a stupid but when Don and Ivan start talking about the flight I was like....what? lol.

Oh no, I've spotted a 'we see'.  Is this a school boy error or infact a regular throwing a spanner in there to shake us off his trail?

When Ivan jumps to action you give a bit too much away too early for me.  If you don't show him snatching the knife and writing 'no need to arose suspician' his actions would be more a shock.

I had to back track, who's John?  He turns up and I have no idea who he is?  Is John actually Don, as this would make sense?

Do you work in an airport?  This reads like a manual most of the time, of how to the job.  This could have been a really interesting story but it was boring to me.  Like I said it was a step by step guide at times on what to do with lots of technical terms that left me thinking what he was doing with what, but then I didn't care about that I just wanted to know what the story was about.

I thought the story was ok but it just took too long to tell.  I can tell you are a proficient writer but all the waffling distracted from the story too much.

You either researched this really well or have worked at an airport, or you’ve made all the convincing detail up and fooled me good. In the right script that depth can give it real integrity. Unfortunately the story in this script does not make good use of that strength.

My other notes duplicate some of the above:
- “Thanksgiving weekend approaches.” is not a strong start. The director could make something up for it but I think the writer should give more to work with.
- “DON, late 50’s, a veteran who has been on the ramp since
high school.” How can the audience know this? Throughout your script there are things that are descriptive but can’t be put on screen.
- It’s a style choice but my understanding is that using “Beat” is not considered the thing to do anymore.
- “We see…” is something I’ve done before and it should be avoided because it tramples on approved convention.

My review reads about the same as some of these others, I didn't understand most of the technical terms, a bit more dialogue could've been used in the beginning to develop the characters more and a nice script to work with, but I don't think it's finished yet.

Also, I was worried when I read the theme that every script would be about postal workers but you pulled off the quote very well.

It started slow. You didn't emphasize Ivan's motivation much. If I am correct, it would have been to just get the money, but you didn't make it clear in the tale. You introduced John automatically without description or you confused John for Don. If you did, bad move on you since you repeated it a lot close to the end.

A good thing was that the quote worked.

Gabe  

Really good idea that could definitely be expanded on...Buckets full of potential for this story...( A major hiest of a plane full of money Yeah. I'd see that)... I liked all the tech details, like in a Tom Clancey novel...I guessed what a lot of things were (LD-3's?), and seemed logical to me with what they were doing....Would like to see more development of these characters...Gaurd 1 is a problem...Why is Ivan all of a sudden a cold, callous  assassin? He might have lunch with Guard 1 on a nutmber of occasions, or at least said "yo" when passing in the hallway...He then empties the clip of the gun, assumingly shooting up gaurd one...(or dumping the bullets out, which I assume he does, since the gaurd is alive enough to need a pillow to keep him quiet)... Watch the CAPITOLIZATIONS, only when introducing the character...Now, what happens to Gaurd 1? Won't he sing like a canary? Won't they track Ivan and Don (John) like wild dogs-you bet, so get busy writing the rest of this...

To 'The Red Eye' Scribe:

- Liked the concept for a short story.  Unique setting for a little caper.

- I was initially okay with the tech talk, gave it some authenticity but after a while, it did slow the flow.

- John/Don thing obviously needs corrected.

- I was able to follow the action pretty well but the language didn't exactly grab me.  I understood what was happening but never really pictured it in an interesting visual sense.

- Certain actions like "John is skeptical" and "Ivan stands transfixed" need to be corrected with the "show me don't tell me" mentality.  (i.e -  it's hard to picture a 'man standing transfixed'  but if you say something like "Ivan rubs his chin, lost, staring at those bags of cash" it becomes much more visual.  Just something to think about my fellow writer.  Honestly, I catch myself making that same mistake at times... something I'm really trying to improve).

- I know it's hard to develop a full character in such a short piece but I would have liked to know Ivan's motivation for risking this heist?

- Also, I always like a twist at the end but this one felt a little forced.  I believe Don and ivan were alone when Don told him about what's in the bags.  Why would he have discouraged him if they were plotting something together?  Just a simple line like Don saying, "Don't think about it Ivan.  I already have.  Problem is... I ain't smart enough or stupid enough to try to pull it off myself."  Something like that would not give away the ending but at least set up the possibility.

- Overall, good concept.  Just needs some TLC.  Hope you had fun writing it... that's what it's all about.  You live and learn.  Guarantee you'll be a better writer just for taking the challenge.

Peace.

To be honest with whoever wrote this, I almost stopped reading it as I got to the middle because it was going nowhere. I started to get really bored, and when that happens, I don't comprehend anything I read (not that I could any way because of the technical terms you threw at our faces and the five to six-line paragraphs), and I end up having to go back and reread it, or continue on not knowing what just happened.

You went into WAY TOO MUCH detail at the beginning. It's nice to set the mood and have detail to show the reader what to imagine, but that was too much, and chop up your paragraphs so it's easier to read.

Ivan's job sequence in the middle before he discovers the money takes way too long, from him taxing the plane in to setting up the baggage conveyor belt and searching through the bags with money in them (it took me a long time to figure that out), and I just got bored with it.

I thought it got interesting with the guard held the gun to him, but that only lasted a second, and then it went back to long and dragged out. So, I guess what I'm saying is, I don't think I liked this one. It took really long to get anywhere, there was too much in detail, I had no idea what half of the words you used meant, and it just didn't interest me.

Sean

Okay, I got to the end of page one and stopped.

Why?

Too much telling. Not showing. I didn't want to read a story. I wanted to see a short film.

It seems that you are new to screenwriting so I'll try to help.

Examples: Flight crews gather at the curb waiting for the hotel bus to whisk them off for a night's rest.

Another: DON, late 50s, a veteran who's been on the ramp since high school. He checks his wrist watch. He's been through this before.

How do we know that the flight crew is waiting for the bus to whisk them off for a night's rest?

You told us.

They are just standing there.

You could have also written something like: A very tired-looking flight crew stand at the curb next to the bus stop sign.
I'm sure you can come up with something better than that. It's just off the top of my head.

How do we know that Don is a veteran?

Again, you tell us.

It cannot be filmed, unless he has a purple heart in his pocket that he digs out and takes a look at. Then we still wouldn't know that it belonged to him unless he has a limp or something...

There are a lot of good books, and a lot of good screenplays here that can be of help as you learn the craft.

Cindy

I apoligize for my rant in advance. Its just i had written this great spiel on how to show instead of tell and those paragraphs just went and got deleted. So my main problem was with your descriptions. It just came to a point where it was too long and it start to drag and distract.

Story wise it went nowhere. For me anyway. You write well, its just a matter of using an editing eye.

I found this an interesting script because it is entirely different from the others I've read.

I won't comment on formatting, script style and grammatical details here because you can read some of my other critiques in this OWC.

What I'd like to do is offer you my general impressions from your writing.

Clearly, this is an action oriented script with very little dialogue.

I feel like this writing is definitely characteristic of you beinga scribe with an orientation towards detail regarding the external world.

It's clear that you understand many of the workings of an airport.

I would recommend you continue to work in this kind of style if you are so inclined because it's unique. And also, I don't think it's an easy style to write.

The thing is, that the detail needs to be balanced with story and inner/external character tension.

In this case, the story itself isn't much. It's about sneaking to get money off of a plane coming in on the Red Eye.

There isn't much character work, but then this is a short and it feels to me like this is meant to be one of those complete action thriller films with a lot of breaking open locks and disabling of bombs-- that kind of thing.

If you are going to work in this kind of area, you need to pay attention especially to pacing and crossing over between locations. For instance, a movie where a guy is trying to get money off of The Red Eye, might also include another plot line. One that is always good to have is the romance on the side. (I'll have an action combo with a side of romance and a large shake of characters please.)

With you moving scenes about and not remaining in the airport, you would be generating a lot more interest. Also, if you showed a build up of Ivan dreaming say, about what he'd do with all that money. Like maybe he starts checking travel sites on the internet. Asking his girlfriend what she'd do if she had a whole whack of money.  

Of course, I'm speaking in terms of a feature here, not a short.

I have to ask "What happened to the theme in this challenge?" I didn't see it anywhere.

This was a very visual piece and very different than all the rest.

Sandra

I have read your script I think it's alright.

It was a good start with a poor ending.  A little corny at the end.

Not enough dialogue and too much description of what's going on.  A lot of it was unnecessary.  Maybe replace the description with Ivan's thoughts and feelings?

Plus, it appears that Ivan only dreamt of this idea the moment his pal mention this money load was coming in, so it seems unrealistic.  

I work in the financial sector and I have no idea why there wouldn't be someone standing by ready to escort or look after money.

But keep it up.  Take the criticism and improve on what you’ve got.

not to kill someone else's critism, but DO NOT replace the narrative with Ivan's thoughts and feelings. The only things worse than describing things in too much detail is describing things you can't show such as thoughts and feelings. A sudden inner monologue would only make it worse.