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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 08 One Week Challenge  ›  Registered Delivery
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Don
Posted: July 25th, 2008, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Registered Delivery by Philip Whitcroft - (Douglas Fir) - Short, Drama - A mail man has to deliver a package to a Doctor with radiation poisoning. On his route he loses track of the package before he encounters the terrorists who want it. The race is on to find the package and keep it from the terrorists. - pdf, format


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Don  -  August 5th, 2008, 2:39pm
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mcornetto
Posted: July 26th, 2008, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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****SPOILERS****

I know who wrote this.  

And even so, I enjoyed it.  It had a good story, good characters, and it met the challenge head on and rammed a mail truck straight into it.   My only beef with it was that it sort of took the easy road with the challenge, at least what I consdered the easy road (A mailman delivering a package and something fantastic happens).  But it was well done. I liked it.
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Souter Fell
Posted: July 26th, 2008, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Really tittering the line between drama and ACTION with drama inside but it works for me.

The concept is good enough and the plot works, if only you had more space.  The dialogue progressively gets more cliche as the story picks up though and it bugged me how the wife was a non factor who existed only as a device to get Peggy to the post office.

Real quick, with hands bound how did Michael hit the thug with the paperweight.  It took me out for a bit. Little speedbump. Also so mispellings and what not.

Anyway, I like it.  You gotta like a script where the hero names his car. Good show.


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bobtheballa
Posted: July 26th, 2008, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't really like how the main character always said "yer" instead of "your" since I wasn't sure that it served much of a purpose other than breaking the flow of the story.

However, I think the script did a great job of building suspense and I found it a very enjoyable read!
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alffy
Posted: July 27th, 2008, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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The scene in which Michael delivers several packages would have been better as a montage for me.

Not sure Michael would so readily confess to losing a package, why would he?

If Michael is tied up, how does he repeatedly strike Farrell?

Sometimes I think you need to include slugs when changing from internal to external.  I know you use int/ext which is fine when quickly switching but the scene in which Michael leaves Stimson's house he runs to the van after a long internal scene.  This is worse in the next scene where the slug read I/E DANIELSON HOUSE but then switches inside Lawson's car and then into Danielsons garden without any change of scene.

When Peggy turns up at the post office, Michael says nothing to his wife Natalie and vise versa, seems a bit strange to me.

I've been very negative so far but the story was OK, although I have to agree it's more action than drama.  I think it suffers due to the page limit and so seems a bit rushed...not your fault obviously.  Overall I enjoyed it but the slugs just annoyed me too much.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 27th, 2008, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, but I didn't really enjoy this one. It was so outrageous that not only would the people at the post office believe it, but I didn't either.

The dialogue was annoying. And Michael's "yer" was just as annoying as the dialogue altogether.

Punctuation was missing all over the place, especially in names. You had stuff like, "Mrs Danielson" and "Dr Henry."

Even though you had slugs that started out with I/E, it was still very confusing to tell when you're in something and when you're outside something. Like, for a second, I thought the mail truck was driving itself into the helicopter, when really, I think Michael was driving it the whole time. Then I finally came to the conclusion that this was all action and little drama when the helicopter exploded.

How did Michael continue to beat up what's-his-name if he was tied up?

Please translate this line because it left me scratching my head: "MICHAEL: I think Mrs Danielson and with you  are most likely."

And, to be honest with you, I really wanted Peggy to be killed. She was the most annoying five-year-old I've ever read in my life.

Sean
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Moroh
Posted: July 28th, 2008, 5:58am Report to Moderator
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Actually one of the first ones I read but didn't really get it, so I was hesitant to scratch out a review.  Read some others instead.  Finally went back and read this one again but... still didn't enjoy it very much.

- Honestly, I was never sure what kind of tone you were trying to establish.  Started like a quirky comedy, then turned.  I actually felt relieved when it started looking like it was just some crazy fantasy of Michael's but no... we are swept off into a wild action finish.  I know a lot of stories involve multiple genre's but this seemed very unfocused.

- The 'yer' thing did wear on me.  Don't know if he was supposed to sound Irish or like someone from Minnesota?  Either way, it seemed like a forced attempt to give him his own unique voice.

- Looking back, nothing much happens in the first 7 pages.  Just introducing Michael, Bessie and his daughter shouldn't suck up that much of the story.  Also, the scenes at Mrs.Danielson's have no real bearing on the story.  It seemed to me that all of her scenes could have been scrapped without really affecting the main plot.

- Like other posts, I also had trouble with Michael and Stimson beating up Farrell.  A mail carrier and sick old man (both tied up) take down an armed terrorist?  Wish it was possible... the world would be a much safer place!

- Just as I felt that not enough happened in the first 7 pages, everything and the kitchen sink came flying at me in the last few pages.
I really think you fell victim of trying to do too much in a short script.  Needs to be simplified.

- Honestly, I could nitpick a lot but it is getting way late and I'm obviously getting cranky.  Not normally that way but this one was a real struggle for me to understand.  Maybe I missed the whole point.  I know I'm not all that smart. (my wife will be happy to second that)

Peace


"Who am I to judge and strike you down?" -- Tool
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stebrown
Posted: July 28th, 2008, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Michael's an easy going chap isn't he? I like him - "bye then".

This was a bit all over the place. I mean it was fun to read but just the characters were so easy-going it felt kinda like a scooby doo episode, complete with evil guy wiggling his moustache.

The slug-lines were a bit unclear, I think they needed to be tidied up a little.

The story was OK but I just didn't have any feelings for the characters - maybe you had a few too many?

Ste


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: July 29th, 2008, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting. For whatever reason, maybe it was the naming of the truck Ethelbert or the formalities of Mrs. Danielson, it seems like this story was taking place in Bob The Builders world. Don't ask me why. I'm demented like that sometimes.

Peggy was an unusual choice for a young girl. Not bad, but Margaret kind of went out in the 40's or 50's...Could be an interesting backstory, along with her nickname.

The naming of the truck was cute. The personification Ethelbert works, especially in the ending...

Don't get Bessie calling the truck an owl...Less he needs to see better at night?

Why didn't he nacktrack to try to find the package first before trying to talk to Doc. Simpson?

How did the bodies of Dr. Stimson and Farrell just disappear like nothing happened? Lawson has been driving around town...Maybe he'd call some other goons to clean up the mess...But, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of time between the murders and winding up the post office, at least not enough time to scrub down a bloody crime scene...


You the Truck! Is a good line... Can a helicopter get off the ground fast enough to avoid getting whacked by a speeding mail truck? Maybe not, therefore a good
explosive ending...

Not bad, but i would have liked to have known a little more about Farrell , Lawson and
Doc Stimson, how they all related to each other.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Takeshi
Posted: July 31st, 2008, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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This came across as a bit of a G rated, small scale adventure in my opinion.

I agree with what others have said about Michael taking out the bad guy when he was tied up. You need to write something into that scene about him getting the ropes off. I also found the idea of a sick seventy year old man continuing to struggle with the bad guy, after being shot three times, very implausible.

I disagree with Zombie Sean's about Peggy being the most annoying five year old ever. I actually thought she was a good character and I thought the exchanges between her and her parents added a positive dynamic to the story. You also did a good job at working the theme in.

It wasn’t great, but under the circumstances I think you’ve done a fairly good job.

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: July 31st, 2008, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I enjoyed this and I feel that with some work it can have the flavor of a "Home Alone" kind of movie where the villains are bad, but not quite bad enough to do any serious damage.

This is what I recommend for this one: That you make the villains incapable of killing. Make them bad, but not that bad.

The lightness of Michael's character and fun stuff like calling his beloved daughter, Monster, all lends to more of a comedic thriller. If you keep this element running through, I think it will be better than going too dark (wish I could take my own advice with that one).

On page 8, when Farrel says, "Stop that! What are you doing?" I was wondering: What is he doing?

I would suggest that on page 8, when Stimpson is tied up, Stimpson, the brilliant man that he is, hatches a plan to deceive the villains. "If you just untie me, I'll take you to the package. I promise. I'll even get you some ice-cream-- I've got double chocolate with the chewy cookie dough inside it..."

Villain says, "Really! The creamy cookie dough!"

So when Stimpson is untied, he heads to get the ice cream, then over to get the package from upstairs... He calls down...

"Michael, can you help me, I'm a little too old for this. It's way up high in the closet." And the villain says, while his mouth is filled with ice-cream...

"He can't help. He's tied up!" And Stimpson says, "Well then untie him. Oh and help yourself to more ice-cream" The villain thinks that's a marvelous idea and unties Michael.

Anyways, I think this kind of idea would fit better with the light-hearted approach you started out with.

Rather than real guns in this, why don't you use pea shooters, squirt guns and those nerf things. Give a villain a good smack in the beaner with a peppered-up squishy ball of some kind.

On Page 12

There is some confusion with:

>They both drive a short distance and turn into opposite ends of Main street.

Maybe use names here.

I was also confused by Michael's dialogue when he said:

How could they miss two dead...

I thought I had missed something with Mrs. Danielson; so I re-read it.
Nowhere was it written that she had been killed.

This is where I started thinking: Maybe this is being written as an "all a dream" kind of thing. And then, when Bessie made the comment about a breakdown, I thought maybe that was the case. Maybe none of this really happened.

Maybe too, you don't need Mrs. Danielson. I'm thinking instead, have the daughter take the yellow package to a birthday party along with the regular birthday present. Put both packages inside the back of the car, and bury the real one under some junk.

Then have grandma grab the yellow package and bring it with her and Pretty Peggy Monster to the party.

The party could be the scene of action where all the kids gang up on the villains.

In all, I think just bump up the comedy, maybe throw in a couple twists and voila! A winner!

Good job!!!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: August 5th, 2008, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your comments here. I had no inspiration on this challenge so I devised a start and began writing without knowing where I was going. Around the same time I read something about Hitchcock so I tried to play with some of his standard devices.

I think it’s this Hitchcockian thing done badly that made this seem G rated. Thinking about it most of Hitchcock’s movies would be close to G rated on today’s scale.

So this is why it has a fun tone in tense scenes, deliberately reveals things before it needs to, some drawn out suspense scenes, the package is meaningless MacGuffin, and it wraps up with fast paced action. I also thought that the studious explanation of how he had gone crazy when he actually hadn’t as a way of twisting the story fit in with this.

Obviously this explanation does not make the end result any different but hopefully you can see why it had some of the strange things you mentioned. I feel this turned out quite well considering that I had no idea to build it around. And with your comments I learnt some useful stuff about some of the devices that I tried to use.

Philip


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 6th, 2008, 1:31am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I think one of the issues in this had to do with the tone of the piece and that's why I mentioned going a bit lighter, like in a "Home Alone" type of flavor. The reason is, because that's what I felt in the beginning of it, but then it changed too much into a more serious toned piece.

You know, I don't know how to deal with this myself. I'm trying to figure out a way to balance the two extremes and I find it very difficult. Of course, one answer would be to write neat and tidy scripts that don't sway to much outside of one realm, but I want to sway I guess or otherwise I wouldn't cause myself such agony.

Perhaps one way is to do what many films do, lean towards the comic edge-- that is, unless they want to be really dark.

I think you did a good job with this one. I liked the beginning with Michael tippy toeing in the hallway, trying not to disturb his family. I loved that he had a name for his postal truck. My brothers used to give names to their trucks and other vehicles and this rang true for me.

I enjoy the way you write and you have every reason to be happy in how this turned out.

Sandra



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Higgonaitor
Posted: August 15th, 2008, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry this is so late, I just finally got time to sit down and start reading these.

The beginning was really choppy, and that doesnt really work well.  The scenes are so short and only contain one or two ines of dialogue.  You probably did this to introduce the chracters, but since you only had fifteen pages, it needed to be cut short.  Now that you have more space, I recommend you lengthen these scenes to give youur script a more fluid and organized feel.

I actually wasnt a big fan of your dialogue or your characters.  I know this sounds extremely negative, but its really a hard thing to fix.  the good news, howeve, is that it may (and appears to be) just a personal thing.  FOr example, it really struck me as cheesy and annoying that Michael named his truck, but pia right above me seemed to like that.  It also really bugged me how perfectly adorable yet rambunctious peggy was.  I guess all the characters came off as cheesy to me.  But like I said earlier, it could just be me.

The only other thing really isn't a big deal, but this is much more an action movie than it is a drama.  That only goes against the challenge though.

On a final, more positive note, the plot worked well.  I was really interested at the end to find out how they'd get out of their little predicament and I think it ended nicely.  So there ya go.

-Tyler


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