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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 08 One Week Challenge  ›  All eyes on her
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  Author    All eyes on her  (currently 4868 views)
Don
Posted: July 25th, 2008, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All eyes on her by Stephen Brown - (Deodar Cedar) - Short, Drama - Lucy has big plans for her future, but somebody has already made bigger plans for her present. - pdf, format


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Don  -  August 5th, 2008, 2:43pm
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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 26th, 2008, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn't work for me at all.  First off the line is thrown away at the beginning and bares no relevance to the story in any way, it felt like this was already written and that line was put in just to fit the challenge.  The ending didn't work either, I just didn't get the point of the story.  I think it is well written but I didn't know what was going on between Danny and Lucy other than Danny is obsessed with her, and what the heck is the mother doing?  that made no sense to me at all.  So I don't feel this fit the challenge I'm sorry to say.


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mcornetto
Posted: July 26th, 2008, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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This wasn't badly written and I sort of enjoyed reading it but I didn't like the ending and I found some of the logic wanting.  Who was Danny? I mean I understood that he abducted her, but did they have some kind of history or was he a newly obsessed fan?  You mention something earlier about a restraining order so this is why I ask.  Then the thing with the mother is so out of the blue that ruins the believability.  So, I think this kind of made the challege - I'm just wasn't all that crazy about it.
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Souter Fell
Posted: July 27th, 2008, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with the above crits.  This story just seems so random. I don't mind that the quote isn't that essential. It helps set up Lucy's occupation but it doesn't flow well when said.  Does seem like a bit of a jam shot.

The first half or so has nothing to do with the second half with turns into murderous torture junk (that hasn't been retreaded a million times on this board).  And why set up a rstraining order angle and have her be kidnapped and not have them related.  I mean Danny can't have the order on him since Lucy states that she doesn't know the guy.

It started off interestingly enough with the whole jealousy angle with Ben but the wheels go flying off once the kidnapping deal starts.


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bobtheballa
Posted: July 27th, 2008, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with everyone else, the quote doesn't play as much of a part in the story as I think it was supposed to. Also, the first half and second half felt like two different stories.

One half deals with guys competing for Lucy's attention and the second is just a mindless slasher. I think it would've worked better if Luke returned as the kidnapper because his character didn't serve much of a purpose and it seemed weird that Danny would kidnap her without her knowing who he was, unless he was the stalker alluded to in the voicemail and they just never met face to face, in which case it should've been made clearer.

Overall I liked it, but it could use some work to make it flow better and it seems a little far off from the challenge's requirements.
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Moroh
Posted: July 28th, 2008, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Actually laughed at the end of this one just because it was so nonsensical.  Unfortunately, I dont think it was supposed to be that way (or maybe it was... I can honestly say I have no idea what the writer had in mind)

- General observations:  Both dialogue and action read very bland and straightforward.  There are opportunities here to make things visually interesting but nothing comes across that way.

- Overall, the biggest problem is that absolutely nothing in this story had anything to do with anything else.  Kept hoping for some rhyme or reason but as the pages dwindled, I realized this was not going to happen.

- First real 'red flag' was the casual voicemail that Eric left for Lucy.  Just think such an important thing would have been worthy of more than a "Hey Babe... that whole stalker thing... don't sweat it... it's all good". type of attitude.

- From there, I knew it was gonna be a rough go.

-  Got the feeling this entry was very rushed and involved almost no editing.  Felt lazy.  Like the writer had some kind of idea but didn't really take the time to piece it together into a coherent story.  They could probably figure out a creative way to link the characters or have some twist but it's gonna require some effort.

- On the positive side, pacing was good, it reads quickly and certainly doesn't drag much.

Peace


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: July 28th, 2008, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed reading this. It was a real page turner. But it's not much of a Drama. This is a Thriller, plain and simple.

Not only that, but the quote barely tied into the story, if at all.

Ignoring the fact that you completely ignored the guidelines of the challenge, I would say this was a good short until the last page. Seriously, the mama thing was the most silly, random thing I've read in my entire life.

You also had some underused characters who could've spiced up the climax more. A couple of extra pages and this would've been excellent; but as it is now, it wasn't.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: July 28th, 2008, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with the points made above. The writing style is good quality. Each individual page would be good by itself but the overall story does not work very well.

One specific nit pick is that you should probably get away from “This is LUCY” as an introduction method. It doesn’t read very well.


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EBurke73
Posted: July 28th, 2008, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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The script suffers from having so many ideas plowed into it that it careens off the tracks.  Lucy is pretty well realized in the beginning.  We know that she's ambitious, flirtatious, and has at least one stalker that she's just put a restraining order on.

At first, I thought we were going to have a little love drama about ambition versus love, since it seems her promotion might cost her Luke.  Then her old schoolchum shows up, and she throws Luke aside, which was another very good show of how Lucy thinks, and this could blossom into a triangle.   I'm pretty interested to see where this is going.

And then...WHAM!

I think this had a seeding early on, but I can't be sure because of Danny's "I didn't think you'd come" repetition.  As has been said, Danny's not the stalker, not that Lucy couldn't have more than one, since she didn't know him.  The mother came totally out of left field, though I guess if you use "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" it makes some sense.  It seems like two very different stories grafted together, or one story with a big hole in the middle to get us from "potential triangle" to "kidnap and torture."

In one way, this works, because I did like Lucy, and was sad about how her story ended, but I think this needed a couple more run throughs to get us from point A to B better.


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alffy
Posted: July 29th, 2008, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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The comments above just about cover everything but he are my thoughts anyway.

The line 'the guys at the post office aren't gonna believe this' just seems to have been added to simply get it out of the way.  It has no relevence what so ever to the story.

The character Luke is a strange one.  He has the hots for Lucy and clearly wants to make good with her but then he walks off and we don't hear from again.

Mark goes the same way really.  He's introduced and talks to Lucy and then is bumped off.  What does he bring to the story?

Danny is the guy watching Lucy at the beginning and she is informed he's been given a restraining order.  He turns up and kidnaps her, his aim to have sex with her I guess.  Why is Danny stalking her?  This questions needs to answered.

When Danny's mother shoots Lucy, you stated she carried a shotgun but then said the bullet hit her in the stomach.  A shotgun fires shot and not bullets so if hit in the stomach she would have multiple injuries.

My final thoughts are that this is an incomplete story.  There are too  many things that lead no where and questions not answered.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: July 29th, 2008, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Eh, not badly written, but didn't like it. The Post Office line is pretty loose in terms of the story. The conversation between Luke, Lucy and Mark really don't do very much in terms of moving the story forward...Maybe if Lucy were talking about this creepystalker...Danny is pretty generic...maybe if he brought her chocolates and roses while she was in the garage...Having the old lady shoot her seemed like a cop out...Why did she have a shot gun at the ready? Boys raising too much of a ruckus in there? Why did she feel like there was a threat? Did she know about Danny's plan? If so, she might have known how much he loved her and spared her life for his sake...The final shotgun thing though...naw, didn't work for me...I liked Lucy to much to have her just get killed off...


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: July 31st, 2008, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I think that some of the writing in this is very good. (Gosh that sounds lame!)
Go ahead! Give me heck for this one! "Writing is very good... Sheesh!"

What I mean is that some of it is perfect for screen and I've written some
examples of this below in the netherworld of this critique.

The title could be better. The characters could be better. The storyline could be better.

I don't think you hit the nail on the head with the theme; actually, I think
you hit your thumb. It was tacked on. Also, the whole conversation with Luke isn't needed. In fact, I don't think Luke is needed to tell this story. He disappears anyways...

Hey! Maybe have him return! The return of Luke! The savior Luke! The poor unloved
shmuck who Lucy could barely give the time of day to... And finally she sees...

She sees...!!!! What a hero he is!!! Always was!!!!!

Oh Luke!!!! Luke!!! Luke!!!! My hero!!!!

Ok, I'm getting carried away... Give me heck again.

If you provide some kind of backstory as to how Lucy knows this guy, or not,
(maybe he's a stalker) that would be better for the storyline.


When you wrote "the faint reflection of a man" in the TV, this is good. Hey,
it might even be GOOD. (I really need a vacation.)

It shows that you are thinking visually.

When you wrote The Man, O.S. I think you might have described him somehow in
his title. Screwy Eyed Man, or something. Just to steal some space on the page
and give picture and character.

The sentence:

The man walks away.

Can be beefed up. (Use lean ground-- saves a lot of draining.)

Try something that gives a bit of a clue like maybe:

As the man leaves, his back joins against the electrical supply stuff.
That's a bad example: joins with electrical... Sheesh again!

(I'm picturing him becoming some kind of ELECTRIC MAN)... I'm being ridiculous!
As mad as a postman I tell yer! Like in Return Delivery. Yer a good little monster, Peggy!

Heck again!

Just off the top, but try to give whatever image you see.

Maybe he almost:

Crawls away, dejected.

Stomps away, crazed.

He turns his back to leave and stumbles.

Whatever you write, put your heart and soul into it. Make it count.

I liked this:

THROUGH A WINDSCREEN

Mark and Luke walk along.

It was a strong visual, brief and well done.

the

BACK TO SCENE

Was intrusive to me.

Try and see how you can write like the best writer out there, without writing in
what are like "camera directions".

If somethings important to see visually, write it in such a way that is shows.
And you don't necessarily need to use capitals.

Example:

Jud's ridicule hit the last nerve Ben had left. Ben's fist tightened.

This example isn't totally cinematic, but it does give context and cues the actor.

When you wrote:

>The car door closes.

I was wondering: What car door?

The lead up (when Lucy is captured) to the black screen is good. I could see it.

Gotta love those single, bare, swinging bulbs. They always turn up in those kind of
freaky scenes. I think I have one of those hanging around somewhere too. LOL

All kidding now aside...

I found the scene with Lucy and Danny in the Garage held my attention.

I was wondering how or if she knew Danny. You might play up her using her
seductive powers more in this scene. Draw it out.

I also think you should work the scene with her fighting against the old woman.
Don't make it easy. Maybe have her fighting, NOT to kill the old woman.
She doesn't want to.

Maybe the old woman doesn't know what a crazed guy her son is. Try and work
with the internal stuff.

I think this was a good effort!!

Sandra





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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sniper
Posted: August 1st, 2008, 6:13am Report to Moderator
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This script does not feel like it was written for this OCW, the line and the genre didn't really fit at all. In fact it feels like it was a section of a broader story. The whole Luke/Mark storyline didn't go anywhere, it felt like filling, and if a scene doesn't move a story forward then you should lose it.

Other than that is a pretty well written piece with a Deux Ex Machina ending.


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stebrown
Posted: August 5th, 2008, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Well now my name's attached to this I'd better explain what I was going for with this.

Danny believes that he communicates with Lucy through the TV -- that's what the whole "I've told you everything about me" line comes from and "I know when I'm being watched".

My original script was an absolute blatant comedy and I only came up with this idea on the Thursday. With being busy on the Friday I wrote this in about 2 hours on the Thursday night -- so yeah, there wasn't much editing going on. Just a quick check for typos.

The Mother scene, haha, what can I say? Was just an idea that came to me that sounded good in my head. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree is what it was supposed to mean, but I should have really shown the scene with her and Danny to maybe show that.

I had a problem with the quote, I couldn't think of a way to fit it in so I decided to have Lucy be there due to a robbery at a post office. It's the reason she's in town, the reason she gets kidnapped, so although it doesn't really fit in the whole dialogue part I still think it plays a significant part to the script as a whole.

Thanks a lot for all your comments.

Ste


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 6th, 2008, 2:00am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Hello Stephen,

You've mentioned that Danny believes that Lucy communicates with him through the TV.

This is an excellent idea to work with. It didn't come through when I read it, but this is very important to the whole piece I see.

I suggest you write the first scene through Danny's point of view. Show us that he's constantly watching her on TV. Show us how he's fanatical about her. This is what's important-- what's going on in his mind. He, as a character is what is interesting here.

Lucy's conversations are just bland. Don't include bland conversations unless you are creating them with a purpose in mind. Like say for instance, you want to show normalcy, like in the typical teen slashers, and then they start dropping like flies from the killer.

Of course there are other reasons why you might "build in" normalcy, but only do it with purpose. Everything needs to count. Even if someone is just having an ordinary break at the water cooler, it needs to have its reason and its place-- and it might. But scrutinize the importance of the scene you write. Ask: What purpose does this serve as part of the whole picture.

I feel that you had a good point from which you were trying to work this. Keep going with this one.

Sandra



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