The Package by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) - (Simon Poplar) - Short, Drama - A man must retrieve a package to save his family. - pdf, format

First thing I noticed was that you never capitalized Megan's introduction, but that's not biggie... just felt compelled to point it out lol.

SPOILERS!!



well this starts off all warm and fuzzy, then quickly changes direction becoming tense and violent. From the moment The Man enters the family home you did a very good job of sustaining the tension throughout. I could even feel the tension in the post office scenes. I found myself gripped.

The Man is one vile human being. Sometimes I thought he went over the top, especially when he makes the sexual gesture towards Megan. Though I think you've characterized him well.

The only thing I wasn't quite sure about was the scene with Edward and Harold.

At the post office, I kinda feel that Edward gave into murder all too easily. I mean, sure, his wife and daughter's lives were on the line and I guess you can't really comprehend how to handle that situation until you're actually that person, but what I mean is he just grabs the letter opener and starts stabbing away at Harold. I think he should really be forced into this murder 'cause at this stage Harold has only pushed him. Maybe if Harold was being more hostile and making it more difficult for him, then I think it becomes more believable that he would be driven to murder.

The way it is, I think Edward could have just knocked him out cold and hid him momentairly til he got home and delivered the package.

And, damn, after all that it isn't even revealed what is in the package!!

Overall, I liked this. Tension filled and gritty.

Robert

This one had some good things going for it. I’m just going to go through it and give my thoughts as I go.

There were some grammar mistakes and some incorrect word usages. It was borderline. It was almost to the point of being a distraction.

Good way to incorporate the challenge phrase. Good job there.

Sometimes the violence was more than necessary. A big guy busting a woman in the nose with a gun butt once was shocking enough. Repeatedly doing it didn’t really serve the story in any way.

It stretched credibility with Edward’s confrontation with Harold. Couldn’t Edward have grabbed a stapler or a paperweight or something? I think it would have been more consistent with his character. Then either Harold could have escalated it or Edward could have simply grabbed the letter opener for later. He’s trying to save his family’s lives but he destroyed someone else’s. That damaged sympathy for Edward’s character.

Bill’s dialogue when Edward was leaving the post office was a little too similar to Harold’s dialogue. Maybe try and give him a more distinctive voice.

I think there were unexplored possibilities here. The contents of the package were never made known. Why wouldn’t Edward check out the package? Why would he trust the man? I wouldn’t. I would be looking for leverage to help protect my family. It was strange to me that Edward would be so trusting of a man so violent and threatening.

So it strained believability somewhat and Edward’s character lost face a little by the end but it had a lot going for it as well. Other than the aforementioned word issues, it was written fairly well. It was a bit conventional but it held interest and had some interesting dialogue. It was clear the villain was the most inspired character dialogue wise and I think you should have tried to get into the head of Edward a little more. The female characters were fairly cookie cutter. The Miller family characters all need more fleshing out.

But it held interest and met the challenge guidelines pretty well so good job there.


Breanne


P.S. I know you only had a week and that explains a lot about why some characters aren’t as fleshed out. I know it’s difficult to build characters in such a short time. I was just pointing out my thoughts as I read.

I like the idea of Edward being pushed over the edge and maybe doing something he wouldn't otherwise do, but it's touchy how to go about writing that kind of scene properly. For instance: He might try and knock him out, tie him up, but not kill him. Or, he might try NOT to kill him, but it happens by accident.

If this were the case, it would be a tense scene to watch him as he seriously tries to get away with the package, but kills his boss.

Unfortunately with this one, I have to say, "The guys at the post office are never gonna believe this, and neither am I."

The problem with this script is that it comes across as all superficial. The bad man is just a bad man. He has no depth of character. His motive for being so bad is unfortunately, "That we need a bad man for the script". It's probably pretty easy for us to wind up doing this kind of thing; so we need to be careful.

Writing "Mr. Bad" isn't as easy as pasting some rough sounding dialogue onto the page, it requires meaning and context. That's part of the deficiency in this script.

Consider how important it is that this script be:

Years ago

Include these things:

That they're watching "Green Acres"

That Mr. Bad is black

The conversation of Edward's tardiness

Mr. Bad's threats of rape to the mother and daughter

Note that the trouble here lies in the way it comes across. It just reads as way over the top. That's not to say you can't have a Mr. Bad that does and says all this stuff, but like I always say, it's a matter of context.

I'm trying to figure out how best to say this. Like for instance:

Consider it like math. If you learn something as only method, but not the concepts and relationships that the numbers actually represent, you might be able to solve equations, but you won't be able to use and understand the abstract ideas as it relates to the real world.

Likewise, in writing: If you place a happy family under the threat of a Mr. Bad and Mr. Bad turns out to be not quite so bad as desperate, say for instance he needs the package because it contains an antidote to some poison he was given and the bloody mail is SLOW, then we've got CONTEXT. Then we've got reason and it's not just some bad dude doing bad stuff for the sake of the writer's need.

Here are some other notes I made:

A question on formatting: Did you bold this in Word before you copied it into PDF? Because I did that before because it was turning up fairly light in the PDF. Trouble was, it still didn't look right; so I just left it.

When I copy from Final Draft, I don't have that problem, but in Final Draft, I haven't figured out how to add the "Title Page".

Anyways, it looks a little dark on the page and a little bit fuzzy too.

I think that "Years Ago" in The Super is too vague.

Who is Arnold the pig? It's in an action line, but I don't know how this would be filmed.

>He has a nice cold beer in his hands.

Is it "a nice cold beer" or is it "An ice cold beer"?

If it's nice. Just write something like:

Edward Miller, 30s, watches "Green Acres" with a cold beer. (Ok that's a bit off... sounds like the cold beer is watching too, but you get the idea).

>He sets his beer down onto the coffee table in front of him as he gets off the couch.

I think you might discriminate on what actions you want to write into the script. If it's important to the scene, meaning the idea of setting down the beer, then by all means keep it in, but if it's not, you might simply write:

He heads to the door.

If the beer is important, like say maybe there's a contest going on and later, it is revealed to be the winning can, then yesireesir, the close up shot might be the foreshadower.

On the other hand, if it's more important to show his wife's expression, like if she can't figure out why her husband is being so kind to get the door, then that's what should take the space.

>[tare] tear

That's it for this one.

Sandra

Pretty good. Liked this OK. Few things though.
Why does it matter that it was a few years ago? There doesn't seem to be anything in the story to indicate that it's not in the present (Outside of the reference to Julia, which could also be in reruns)...If you are trying to play up the '60s Suburban Ideal, introduce other elements that might key into the period...

He elbows to the ground, just a typo-Her...How old is Megan? This makes a big difference when THE MAN comes in and starts roughing her up...

Like the MAN, a little stereotypical, in fact, had the races been reversed it might have made for a more interesting story...Still liked him though...

He strikes me as a way over the top (Breaking Ruth's nose) sadistic type who doesn't think he is..."I ain't gonna lie, But I gotta be."

Found it hard to believe, that, even with Ed's family in Danger, he would kill Harold. Seems out of character. He seems more the sort who would use his brains to outsmart The Man somehow.

I didn't buy the end...Big tough dude like the Man isn't going to be taken down by a mail man and a letter opener...Imagine Kevin Spacy trying to take out Ving Rhames...Ain't gonna happen.

Good entry though a little over violent in my opinion.

There’s no hanging about here, it’s a fist in the face at the start for the character and the reader! Because this happens so quickly at the beginning I struggled to get interested in the characters.

The violence here is extreme and I didn’t like the use of a stereotypical evil black man terrorizing the nice white family. Since you didn’t initially introduce him as black I’m thinking that you didn’t set out with that in mind but the story has ended up in a place that you probably shouldn’t go. It’s easily fixed by making the man a mafia goon or developing his background story so that he is a more complex character.

The tension is good. The sequence of Edward going to get the package is strong and could be built up more.

I think you have the middle of a good story. Build around this and it would be strong.

Read that this one was violent so I couldn't wait to check it out.  My style of flicks.

Anyway, the violence didn't bother me too much.  THE MAN's dialogue was much more frightening than the blood.  Raping the little girl reference was a little much but overall I think the writer accomplished what he/she wanted; make this guy as bad as can be.  However, you maybe could have been more creative in how to make him evil, besides just the raunchy talk.

I think everyone has pointed out some valid commentary on this one so I'll try a different angle.

As a short, I think it has some flaws.  Killing Harold could have been avoided.  If it was accidental, it is one thing but stabbing him multiple times didn't seem to fit the hero's character... no matter how desperate he is.
Also disappointed in the ending.  Not sure exactly how I would have resolved it but would have liked to see Edward outsmart the MAN rather than the standard fight sequence.

Like I said, as a short, I had some issues but as an opening for a feature, I think it has much more potential.

They talk about hooking an audience in the first 10 pages, well this concept could do it.  A lot of interesting questions are already set up.  Now you can explore the fate of Edward following his desperate actions? What are the contents of the package and who will end up with it?  What will the people who THE MAN worked for do next?

Don't know if you had any other plans for this but it could be tweaked a bit and possibly make a nice launching point for a longer story.

Whoever wrote this should retitle it to Deux Ex Machina, as in an improbable contrivance in a story characterized by a sudden unexpected solution to a seemingly intractable problem.

I thought this script was ab-so-lute-ly terrible. No lead up and no pay off, just a worn out premise that's older than Earth. Do this, or else - come on, where's the originality here? The same thing goes for the antagonist - The Man (oooh!). I mean, could this Sam Jackson wannabe be anymore stereotypical? Is that possible? An overly violent foulmouth like your antagonist here ain't cool in my book, it's just toe cringingly pubescent.

The script did have one scene that had some potential but ultimately ended up being a big letdown. I'm talking about the scene at the post office when Ed goes to get the package. That should have been the scene that took the story to the next level by raising the stakes. Ed should've evolved in that scene - in a believable way. Unfortunately the scene is over before it really begins, and all it shows is that Ed turns from a Green Acres watching suburbanite to Michael Meyers in a blink of an eye and stabs his boss with a letter opener, not once - but repeatedly. WTF? If it clicked for Ed, if the situation got to him and he snapped, then build it up to that - make it a believable and/or logical next step. This was too out of the blue in my opinion.

Moving on to the end, Ed goes home and gets to play John McClaine - which you could see coming a mile away (like Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig's disease - how did he not see that one coming?). But that's not what made the end awful in my opinion. It's all the missing answers - the lack of a resolution. Some people like leaving unanswered questions - I don't. It's either slobby writing or simply because the writer didn't have the answers to the questions.

Who is The Man? Who does he represent? How old is Megan? 2, 7, 16 what? What's in the package? And why does this remind me of Pulp Fiction in a way?

As you've probably guessed by now I didn't like the script. The writing was decent - the story not so much.

Rob

I have to agree with a lot of the other comments that this script could have been pretty good but wasn't given enough time to develop. The scene with Edward and his boss should have ended with his boss still alive (though injured or threatened), killed accidentally or murdered after a massive build up of Edward's desperation.

Also I didn't like how abruptly this thing ended, if you weren't going to tell us what was in the box we still could've used some closure on the family. Did THEY call the cops and turn Samuel L--- I mean, the man, in or are they still on the run from the law after Edward killed his boss or is there another henchman about to knock at the door? The end of the script felt more like a commercial break than a conclusion.

Overall, I wasn't too thrilled with this one. The only character that is distinguishable from the rest is The Man, and he wasn't terribly original. I think this thing could've had a little more originality.

I thought this was a good idea.  However, I think that you pushed it too far over the top at points and it lost credibility.  

My first issue was encountered early on.  When the bad guy is arguing with the daughter about the sounds she is making.  I would just strike this dialogue, it's silly and doesn't really further the story.  

Next the bad guy is just too bad.  He has no human side whatsoever.  I think a couple of times you were trying to give him a more human side but then you don't end up doing it.  Horror flicks have monsters, Dramas have bad human beings.

When the postman kills his boss you kind of lost me.  This could have been a great moment but instead it just made me lose interest.  Think how different this could be if he was just about to tell his boss what's going on, but then his boss picks up a phone threatens to call the cops and in his head the postman hears bad guy repeating his warning.  What other choice could he have but to kill the guy.  In your seems all to easy, including pulling the letter opener out of the bosses stomach (Which according to all the knowledge at my disposal isn't as easy as it sounds).  Then, no remorse, just an I'll explain later.  Explain why you killed you boss?  As if!

Anyway, it was a good idea - just needs more development.  

This one was an actiony one, Jo.

I think if I read this one before the names were revealed, I'd have an idea that it'd be you, but I'm bad at guessing, so...

I screamed when you were talking about the man wanting to fuck Megan. I was like, "Oh my God!" this is one screwed up man!

I think Edward gave in too easily when it came to murdering someone for the package. Like someone else said, you could have made him knock him out or something, or at least stab him to slow him down.

There were some grammar issues, but it's all good (also, Megan's intro), and I wanted to know what was in the package!

But any way, good job!

Sean

I felt this script was slightly over the top towards the end of the script.  I felt it was unnecessary to have stabbed Harold and by killing this man as some sort of retribution, was a little too much for me.  

After all, Edward appears to be a family guy and killing someone even if this person has brought this evil into his home, is no way to act in front of his family.

We all know the difference between right and wrong and Edward easily succumbed to wrong too quickly.  

Aside from that, your script read well and had a tension that was ever present throughout.  Just a little tweaking, like keeping Harold alive.  No need to stab again & again.  And maybe keep his man alive or provide a better reason to kill for the sake of keeping his family safe & well.

This is the second best script I've read, so keep up the good work.

Takecare & all the best.