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T.G.O.L-The Gate of Life by Frank Klempar - Sci Fi, Action - After losing government financing on the universe-research project that was originally begun by his father before he passed away, Stefan Grand needed a break from all of it. He takes a job as a night janitor in the scientific institute SIRACOM. One night, Stefan share his break with a brilliant Russian scientist Alex, only find out the unthinkable. Alex just finished his twenty year long research on a Time Travel application, and shares that news with Stefan. Stefan is very skeptical about that, but one night again, Stefan spares his break time with Alex and this time, Alex offers to test his device. Exactly thirty second long trip to the future will leave Stefan in horror what catastrophe mother nature scheduled for our planet, but the short trip turn out to be one full year in our time. Suddenly his life is changed forever. 103 pages - rtf, format
Spoiler. (I love time travel) I enjoy the intrigue and the way the story unfolds, but certain key time travel elements create a great block to my ability to sustain disbelief. First, I missed the age of Stefan (main character) the first time. But 40 seems too old. And why is he an astronomer? If so, I think you need to tie in either his father or what he did as an astronomer. Otherwise give him a different profession. I understand the link between him and Alex, but I don’t think it is necessary.
Reviewing a time travel piece is tough. I kept having to go back and re-read parts. Over all, I enjoyed the read – up to the part where Jamie shows up in 1995. She spouts a ton of dialogue and explains everything. This dilutes the story, along with her flashback tale. For me the ending wasn’t satisfying. Show don’t tell. I find myself at odds with your ultimate statement, “If you die in the past you never exist.” This doesn’t mean it can’t work. It just needs to be set up and proved. More. The skeleton seems designed to mislead. I enjoyed it, but felt it is explained a tiny bit too much.
When Alex sends Stefan to the future. Does he die and return to 2008, or simply return from the watch? I feel you try and force this into a Hollywood ending. I feel using Jamie as the bad guy at the last minute is bad. You’re forcing your story to have another twist, another bad guy. The back flash scene takes away from the tension. Plot point 1: Showing the end of earth in 20025. Plot point 2: Jamie arrives in 1995. Ending: He loses his family.
If losing his family causes 2025 not to happen. The main goal should be his loss of family instead. It has more meaning.
My many questions/suggestions. Do we need to have 2 kids? If so, It must become heart wrenching to lose them. P15 INT. SIMONE IN THE PLANE etc. This scene is not necessary. P16 STEFAN (angrily) Something about that building. I just need to be there. JAMIE As a Janitor? P17 Big issue for me here. You have 13 unnecessary lines to a homeless man, while only four quick lines to his kids. If you want us to care about the kids, you must make Stefan care, regardless of the ending. P21 Eliminate: She closes the door and starts…sentence. P22 ALEX (Russian accent) Come on in, have some coffee. P22 ALEX (extending his hand) My name is Alexander Vladimir Petrovsky. (Shaking his hand) Stefan Grand. Does Stefan have a nametag? If not, this would be Stefan’s line. P22 STEFAN (Nervous) So, are you a scientist? Or, are you working on some research?
Cut this line: Stefan for some reason looks a little nervous. Alex rests the coffee on the table and stands proudly. P23 ALEX An astronomer Janitor? STEFEN A double life. Laid off. On the astronomy part. But I am looking. P27 Cut out the BEAT: P29 The vendor give back… This line needs editing. P32 The whole Secretary part with CNN and the dude applying for a job… I don’t think the interruption is necessary. A whole page wasted on the media. Robin from CNN? P37 Cut out the NIGHT GUARD scene, and take us right to Jamie. P41 ALEX August 25. This is the hook and sinker of the story. P43 INT. SIRACOM, BASEMENT….AUGUST 25 2008. Don’t reveal the date. Cut out (The NIGHT GUARD is gone.) P47 STEFAN (Upset) Jamie, I don’t know what you’re talking about? You don’t want me to work nights do you? P48 JAMIE Where have you been? I’ve had the police look for you… The kids… (Angry and in tears) Where the hell have you been? STEFAN Just at work. JAMIE For a year! A year Stefan, you’ve been gone a year. Where? This scene makes or breaks the story. And as a writer, you have to dig into it, and make it work. Do not cut it short. Especially if you bring in the kids. Perhaps you could have police drive by as he runs into the house, and then show them see his blooding footsteps down at a stop sign, and use them to cut your scene short. And pull him away from her and the kids. P49 Why does Stefan go to Simone and why Starbucks? Just have him go back to his janitor work place and run them into each other there. P52 A lot of talk. P55 EXT. STEFAN FINDS ALEX, THE CITY Here is the Hook again. This is where believability begins to wane. P66 ALEX But I miscalculated...etc. This is a major element. That he was not to be born. And the next few pages are tough to keep our minds from interceding into what you’re telling. P75 On this page, I had this thought. Stefan must confront Jason to save him and the earth, rather than make him not exist. This is tougher, and requires a lot more work. ☺ P89 We can make a fortune with this. (necessary?) P92 A call from the future? Do you have a point for this? (I like it) but was wondering what it meant. Cause I didn’t understand. P94 SIMONE THANKS. Etc. Crazy line. Save Nicole? Why? P96 Jack stop packing, change to Jack stops packing. P97 And the whole script changes. When Jamie shoots Jack and Nicole, becoming the bad guy. P98 SIMONE Stefan, this is really freaky… etc. I feel this is out of character for her. P101 If Jamie must tell them the story of Alex, do it as a voice over from her POV. Because this is a 3 page back story at the end of a movie. Perhaps try and have her tell a shorter version. P104 JAMIE her dialogue. Some of it is confusing. Why didn’t they just steal it from the future part in particular. P108 Why the grand canyon? I feel it’s a cop out. Drag us down, and rip our emotions out. P109 Big questions here. If she dies, does Stefan remember her?
If not, maybe have him talking about them and forget his kids names. But again, this softens it, perhaps this is what your ending is about. I’d like to know your intent on this matter. And have you make it more apparent in the ending. Even not knowing, those you loved, and kids you had can be sad. Even if he’s not sad about them in the end. Make us the audience feel the loss.
Let me know your thoughts Joe
My scripts: Starfall Love trouble on family game night
First of all, thanks for reading the script. I have to tell you I'm little surprise that there was so many misunderstands for you, but I understand what you're saying. As writer it's my responsibility to let the audience see it the way I see it. Therefore, I'm sorry. Furthermore, again thanks for your review, it was very professional. Best regards, Frank.
good job.. i read the script and yes a few places it was bit tough, but take some of the advice the first reviewer wrote and you will have a very fine script. i am very glad you didnt use a lot of profanity i see this as a cover up on poor writing ...this shows you are comfortable with your skills..wouldnt mind seeing a film made of this..thanks...jw