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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Time on the Harbour Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 15th, 2008, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Time on the Harbour by Graham Bottomley - Sci Fi - Time on the Harbour' is like a mix between 'Back to the Future' and 'U-571' and was inspired by a fascinating true catastrophe that has not yet been told by filmmakers: the only wartime Japanese submarine attack on Sydney Harbour.  The story centres on two teens, Mark and Gemma Bradley, who time travel back to 1942 and accidentally change the life of their grandfather Kevin. Because of their mistake, Kevin is due to board a troop ship that they know will soon be torpedoed by a Japanese submarine.  Though Mark and Gemma kidnap Kevin and try to convince him not to get on the ship, he thinks they're crazy, escapes from them, and boards anyway. With no other options, the teens must break into the high security Naval Base and get him off the ship before the attack. Otherwise their grandfather will be killed and they won't exist.   112 pages - pdf, format


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Botto
Posted: September 24th, 2008, 5:24am Report to Moderator
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Logline: Time travelling teens accidentally change their grandfather's life in 1942 and attempt to save him from a Japanese submarine attack on Sydney Harbour.

I’ve had some interest from producers Davis Entertainment (I, Robot ) and Howard Rosenman (The Family Man) after they read my short synopsis.

It’s based on the only wartime Japanese submarine attack on Sydney Harbour, and filmmakers have amazingly never touched the subject. Can you imagine how many movies would have hatched if NY or LA were attacked!

Cheers

Botto
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Sandman
Posted: November 9th, 2008, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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OK I finished reading this script, this is my first reveiw and I don't come from a literary back round so you'll have to forgive my grammar and spelling. First off I enjoyed the story, I've always been a sucker for anything that involves time travel, and "Time On The Harbour" was intersting enough that I read it completely from beginning to end. That said there are a number of problems however that should be addressed, I think with a bit of work this could be an excellent script. I'll start at the begginning... First off the phenomenom that transports our heros back to 1942, this mysterious Blue SWIRL I would have liked some kind of explainations as to it's origin, it dose'nt nessissarily have to be a good explianation, just someting...If you remember in the film "The Final Countdown", it was an electrical storm that created the time vortex that transported the Aircraft carrier ( USS Nimitz) back to Pearl Harbour 1941 . I think giveing some sort of explaination would help move the story along. Second the dialog between the main character was acceptable enough albeit a bit simple,  sometimes I felt that I was reading a script for a children movie, which is of course fine if that's the writers intention, but at other times it seemed to be a movie script geered towards adults as evidenced by the sexual innuendo involving Gemma's character. ( Sailors in the bar, Joe at Butches party ). A little tweeking of the dialog would help tremedously. Third, there are certian scenes that had me scratching my head and asking myself why is it in the script?, I believe that most every scene has to be in the film for a reason and that reason cannot be to simply lengthen the film. The offending scene in question here is the one involving Duane and it starts with this line...

DUANNE " Tell you what I'll do. If you let me ride your toy, I'll get you fine people onto the S.S.S Chicago."

Everthing that happens during this part of the script I had alot of trouble with... first of all offering a tour of a military vessel to three complete strangers, especally during War time would get you thrown in prison of perhaps even executed. Its too unrealistic, any soldier that would do this would have to be completely out of his freakin mind. Also there does'nt appear to be any purpose for them to be on that ship other than site seeing. It does'nt advance the story and does'nt aid in character developement, so as far as I can tell, all it really does is lengthen the story. Here's a good example of characters being on a ship for a reason.., In "Star Trek IV the Voyage Home", Chekov and Uhura go aboard an AirCraft carrier to collect nuclear material to recharge their warp engines that have been recently drained of power. They had a purpose for being aboard and it advanced the story, if you want to put our heros aboad the USS Chicago it should have a purpose. Next their escape from the ship also gave me pause, sorry to repeat my self but we are talking about a naval Ship during war time, Gemma useing her  feminine charms on Will  ( The Guard ) and convincing him to let them go simply doesnt cut the mustard, you need a better solution. Fourth and finally the end when all three are running around asking the old people Do you remeber me ?, Do you remember me ? it is'nt nessissary and doesnt really work, you may want to try something less direct, no suggestions, sorry.

I hope I have'nt been to harsh, it may seem like I mentioned quite a bit but it's really not that much, over all it's quite good work, I liked the characters, and I like the story, I also now want to visit Bondi Beach it looks like a really neat place, these problems I've mentioned can be fixed easily with a little time and effort, well done.

Cheers


Runner, this is the last gate. Use
your key now. When the Bell sounds
again...use your key. Good luck,
Runner. May you find Sanctuary.

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Sandman  -  November 9th, 2008, 10:21pm
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Botto
Posted: November 11th, 2008, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sandman,

Thanks very much for reading my screenplay. I’m really happy that you took the time. It's a mighty effort and I’m glad you liked it. Its been here for two and a half months now without comment and I was beginning to think it was stealth encoded.

You have raised some interesting and possibly correct assertions in your appraisal -   relevant points that were omitted by a seasoned script editor with big studio experience.

Firstly, you asked that there should be an explanation of the “blue swirl”. In a early draft I had a 1930s Buick, owned by the grandfather (Kevin) as the time travel device, this allowed for some humorous scenes and a neat link with Kevin and his possible use of the device, but I opted to drop the car idea after the script editor felt the idea aped “Back To The Future” too closely. I considered that an underwater portal was a more seamless way for our heroes to travel - and also appropriate, given the setting of the movie, allowing the Japanese submariners to “forward time travel”.  

The fictional story is based upon a factual event, whereby one of the submarines was not found until a couple of years ago off one of Sydney’s Northern Beaches.  One could speculate that the “blue swirl’ time portal was the reason why it (the sub) was not found for over sixty years.  I could say that the “blue swirl” is just there without reason, like the obelisk in “2001: A Space Odyssey”, but I will definitely consider your suggestion to give it some sort of explanation, even if it is weather or natural phenomena related.    

Secondly, you describe the dialogue as “simple”, and I totally agree with that.  My aim was to make this screenplay suitable for a very wide audience and therefore suited to family viewing and “G” rating. Producers are always on the lookout for maximum return, and they would get that if kids could see it as well. There are some ever so slightly risqué scenes involving Gemma, but these could be toned down to reach that all important “G” rating. There is one profanity in the script, and this could easily be dropped. But I think your criticism was definitely worth mentioning and was in the back of my mind too. Perhaps I subliminally included the vaguely naughty bits to placate the wishes of the predominant movie demographic, being 17 year old boys?  

One gripe that I can’t agree with was Duane’s invite and action of showing the trio over the USS Chicago. I don’t agree with this because my dad worked at Garden Island Naval Base on the wharves during early WW2. Civilians, including women, were sneaked on board vessels, although I have to say it was usually by way of bribe.  Australian Naval Base Security was not what it is today. Additionally, what guy wouldn’t and hasn’t partaken in some sort of dangerous action just to impress a drop dead gorgeous teen girl?

I should also mention that the Kevin and Nell characters were based upon my mum and dad. As I said: Dad worked there - and lived in the 1876 terrace (Bentley, slight tweak on my name) that some of the scenes take place.

I disagree that the scenes on board the USS Chicago don’t advance the story. The trio are captured and thrown in the Brig whilst on board and this results in a series of events that alter  Kevin’s time line and he boarding the ill fated HMAS Kuttabul e.g. Their capture leads to Duane travelling to a lawyer and preventing Kevin’s bashing. Originally, Kevin’s bashing prevented him from boarding the soon to be torpedoed boat.  But Duane’s intervention stops him being hospitalized and the teens must escape and attempt to prevent their grandfather’s death.

I disagree that Brig Guard Will would not help Gemma escape. Gemma’s feminine wiles are slightly put to use, but it is really her guile in citing the plight of her fictitious dead brother and her desire to help her sister in law look after his kids that helps her cause. She previously overhears Will talking about the same circumstances involving his relatives and his desire to go home and help his sister in law. I feel this is a well conceived dupe in order to get Will’s sympathy/empathy and help her escape.  

Finally, you have a concern with the trio asking their grandparents and 82 year old Dot upon their return to current day if they remember their visit to 1942. I feel this is a totally normal question to ask, given that they believe it happened.  They want justification that they were really there, and anyone placed in this situation would almost certainly ask the people who were also there at the same time. It’s totally appropriate and normal human response.  I think it would be rather odd if they didn’t ask!

Anyway, thanks again for reading my script. I’ll definitely give some thought to your suggestion about the time portal explanation. I hope that you get to Australia one day and check out our beaches. There are lots of great ones, even better than Bondi!

Good luck with your writing.

Cheers,

Botto

P.S. Just a suggestion: Please do a spell/grammar check before posting. It will help your credibility no end. Writers are always taken more seriously when there are no or few typos.





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Botto  -  November 13th, 2008, 11:42pm
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Sandman
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Quoted from Botto
  
One gripe that I can’t agree with was Duane’s invite and action of showing the trio over the USS Chicago. I don’t agree with this because my dad worked at Garden Island Naval Base on the wharves during early WW2. Civilians, including women, were sneaked on board vessels, although I have to say it was usually by way of bribe.  Australian Naval Base Security was not what it is today. Additionally, what guy wouldn’t and hasn’t partaken in some sort of dangerous action just to impress a drop dead gorgeous teen girl?


Ahhh...I didn't realize that, with Japan and its giant navy approximately 1500 miles of your coast I figured security would have been incredibly tight.



Quoted from Botto
  
I feel this is a totally normal question to ask, given that they believe it happened.  They want justification that they were really there, and anyone placed in this situation would almost certainly ask the people who were also there at the same time.

  

Good argument, can't really disagree.


Quoted from Botto
  

P.S. Just a suggestion: Please do a spell/grammar check before posting. It will help your credibility no end. Writers are always taken more seriously when there are no or few typos.


Thanks Botto, still working on that. Hopefully with time grammar and spelling will improve. Photographer by trade.

Cheers



Runner, this is the last gate. Use
your key now. When the Bell sounds
again...use your key. Good luck,
Runner. May you find Sanctuary.
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