SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 9:14am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Office - The Masseuse Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Office - The Masseuse  (currently 3322 views)
Don
Posted: August 18th, 2008, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Office - The Masseuse by John C - Series, Comedy - As part of a new corporate program to reduce employee stress, a professional masseuse is brought into the office for the day.  30 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Scriptwriter
Posted: August 19th, 2008, 9:46am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
2
Posts Per Day
0.00
I’m familiar with the series and it was easy to hear the characters’ voices in your script. Good dialogue, witty banter. Nicely done.  

I found the conclusion somewhat predictable – chiefly because of Michael’s deduction in the opening tease that gorgeous lesbians only exist on television. When Marcy shows up, we already know she can’t help be anything else. I’m wondering if you might rethink the tease to throw us off the scent so to speak. Having Marcy reveal she is a lesbian should be as big a surprise to us as it is to Pam.

Dwight’s assumption that Marcy is an assassin is very funny. A great subplot – but it needs to go somewhere. At present it feels incomplete, dangling. Since Marci suggests to Jim that Dwight “looks like the kind that would be really fun to mess with”, perhaps Jim could alert her to Dwight’s preposterous assumption. This might allow for the two of them to do just that – have some fun messing with Dwight.

Just something to think about – and only if you feel it will improve your script.  It’s a solid effort. Well done.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scriptwriter  -  August 19th, 2008, 12:50pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
John C
Posted: August 19th, 2008, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
42
Posts Per Day
0.01

Quoted from Scriptwriter
I’m familiar with the series and it was easy to hear the characters’ voices in your script. Good dialogue, witty banter. Nicely done.  

I found the conclusion somewhat predictable – chiefly because of Michael’s deduction in the opening tease that gorgeous lesbians only exist on television. When Marcy shows up, we already know she can’t help be anything else. I’m wondering if you might rethink the tease to throw us off the scent so to speak. Having Marcy reveal she is a lesbian should be as big a surprise to us as it is to Pam.

Dwight’s assumption that Marcy is an assassin is very funny. A great subplot – but it needs to go somewhere. At present it feels incomplete, dangling. Since Marci suggests to Jim that Dwight “looks like the kind that would be really fun to mess with”, perhaps Jim could alert her to Dwight’s preposterous assumption. This might allow for the two of them to do just that – have some fun messing with Dwight.

Just something to think about – and only if you feel it will improve your script.  It’s a solid effort. Well done.


Thank you for taking the time to read it, and for the kind words, along with the helpful suggestions. I'll definitely take them into consideration.

I agree that the opening might give it away, but removing the lesbian reference would sort of deflate the ending -- it'd remove the setup for the eventual payoff (screenwriter parlance. ugh) and seem like it came out of left field. but on the other hand, I see your point about wanting it to come as a surprise. hmm... there must be some way to combine the two (that I can't think of right now), I'll just have to wait and let it come to me. On the other hand, if this were an aired episode the commercial interruption following the teaser might be enough to break the audience's train of thought and cause them to forget the opening.   Wishful thinking, right?

And thanks for commenting on the Dwight sub-plot. I'm glad you enjoyed it, I had a good time with it as well. I'll have to see if there's a way to expand on that more.

Btw, if you're a fan of 30 Rock, I also wrote a spec for that series as well, and would appreciate any thoughts you might have if you have any interest:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1218845717/

Thanks again, and best of luck!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006