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The Office - The Masseuse by John C - Series, Comedy - As part of a new corporate program to reduce employee stress, a professional masseuse is brought into the office for the day. 30 pages - pdf, format
I’m familiar with the series and it was easy to hear the characters’ voices in your script. Good dialogue, witty banter. Nicely done.
I found the conclusion somewhat predictable – chiefly because of Michael’s deduction in the opening tease that gorgeous lesbians only exist on television. When Marcy shows up, we already know she can’t help be anything else. I’m wondering if you might rethink the tease to throw us off the scent so to speak. Having Marcy reveal she is a lesbian should be as big a surprise to us as it is to Pam.
Dwight’s assumption that Marcy is an assassin is very funny. A great subplot – but it needs to go somewhere. At present it feels incomplete, dangling. Since Marci suggests to Jim that Dwight “looks like the kind that would be really fun to mess with”, perhaps Jim could alert her to Dwight’s preposterous assumption. This might allow for the two of them to do just that – have some fun messing with Dwight.
Just something to think about – and only if you feel it will improve your script. It’s a solid effort. Well done.
I’m familiar with the series and it was easy to hear the characters’ voices in your script. Good dialogue, witty banter. Nicely done.
I found the conclusion somewhat predictable – chiefly because of Michael’s deduction in the opening tease that gorgeous lesbians only exist on television. When Marcy shows up, we already know she can’t help be anything else. I’m wondering if you might rethink the tease to throw us off the scent so to speak. Having Marcy reveal she is a lesbian should be as big a surprise to us as it is to Pam.
Dwight’s assumption that Marcy is an assassin is very funny. A great subplot – but it needs to go somewhere. At present it feels incomplete, dangling. Since Marci suggests to Jim that Dwight “looks like the kind that would be really fun to mess with”, perhaps Jim could alert her to Dwight’s preposterous assumption. This might allow for the two of them to do just that – have some fun messing with Dwight.
Just something to think about – and only if you feel it will improve your script. It’s a solid effort. Well done.
Thank you for taking the time to read it, and for the kind words, along with the helpful suggestions. I'll definitely take them into consideration.
I agree that the opening might give it away, but removing the lesbian reference would sort of deflate the ending -- it'd remove the setup for the eventual payoff (screenwriter parlance. ugh) and seem like it came out of left field. but on the other hand, I see your point about wanting it to come as a surprise. hmm... there must be some way to combine the two (that I can't think of right now), I'll just have to wait and let it come to me. On the other hand, if this were an aired episode the commercial interruption following the teaser might be enough to break the audience's train of thought and cause them to forget the opening. Wishful thinking, right?
And thanks for commenting on the Dwight sub-plot. I'm glad you enjoyed it, I had a good time with it as well. I'll have to see if there's a way to expand on that more.
Btw, if you're a fan of 30 Rock, I also wrote a spec for that series as well, and would appreciate any thoughts you might have if you have any interest: