A Taste of Honey by Gary Murphy (GM) - Short - Honey is looking for a beating. No seriously, she is actually looking for a beating. All part of her plan for getting away with murder. But the man who has agreed to deliver the beating is having second thoughts and Honey is having some family trouble. 9 pages - pdf, format

So that was quick! Thanks for posting this Don.

These are the first scripts I have written for a while, Well apart from my OWC challenge entry that was probably the worst thing I have ever written!

The two scripts I have had posted today, this one and 'Reboot' were both written last week in response to a call for short horror scripts set in a hotel room. I like them both and feel they are probably the best things I have written so far. Still a lot of work to do but feel I am starting to make progress.

If anybody reads I would be grateful and would most certainly return the favor, been away from the site for a little while and am trying to catch up on some reads I have missed.

Cheers

This was really good. I enjoyed this more than ‘Reboot’.  Great story, no distractions, great twists, the descriptions great, packed a lot into a short space. Nice title captures it perfectly.  Will keep this ‘on file’ for inspiration.- Cheers Walford.

Hey Murphy,

Quoted from Honey/Amber Well I hope you’re right this time.

Hehe - liked that one.

Overall I thought the script was okay. My main gripe was that Grant was really really stupid (or was it really really horny?) - to me it was obvious that Honey was setting up her self-defense story by having Grant beating her up. It reminded me a bit of the "rape" scene in the movie "The Life of David Gale".

That being said, I liked the revenge-for-my-momma angle. Although it's been done before I thought you put a fresh spin on it and that last scene in the bathroom tells us a lot about Honey as a character. It's obvious that she loves her mother deeply, but she's also totally detached from the victims or the actual killing.

The writing was really good and visual, but you'll probably take some flack for the "He spends most days playing pool and starting fights in biker bars" line. Some will probably says "You can't show that on screen", but I think you can and I like that description. It let me know exactly what kind of guy Grant was.

All in all a solid read that, in my book, was a little too predictable.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Gary

I agree with Rob that Grant comes across as a bit thick, did he not suspect anything but I guess that would ruin the story.  The story is good, I liked it, especially the end.

A little over written at times but it flowed well enough.  I enjoyed it.

Hi GM,

I thought this was not bad.  I liked the ending where it all tied up.  I just thought the pounding Grant was giving Honey was too much to take.

I do know that in some rare cases, woman do like to get roughed up so I thought at the beginning Honey was one of those girls.  But as an alibi, it does make for great entertainment.

Maybe the girl could have her cake and eat it?  A f*ck for herself and a murder for her mother?  Or is that too much?

All the best.


Javier

Quoted from walford This was really good. I enjoyed this more than ‘Reboot’.  Great story, no distractions, great twists, the descriptions great, packed a lot into a short space. Nice title captures it perfectly.  Will keep this ‘on file’ for inspiration.- Cheers Walford.

Thanks very much for the read and nice comments, welcome to Simply Scripts!

Quoted from sniper Hehe - liked that one..

Thanks Rob.

Quoted from aiffy I agree with Rob that Grant comes across as a bit thick, did he not suspect anything but I guess that would ruin the story.  The story is good, I liked it, especially the end.

Quoted from jayrex I do know that in some rare cases, woman do like to get roughed up so I thought at the beginning Honey was one of those girls.  But as an alibi, it does make for great entertainment.

Quoted from sniper My main gripe was that Grant was really really stupid (or was it really really horny?) - to me it was obvious that Honey was setting up her self-defense story by having Grant beating her up.

Yeah, I think he has to be a bit stupid, I did try and make him seem a bit thick, also a bit drunk  which hopefully numbed his thinking a little. The whole story hinges on him not getting it and I realise that may be pushing it a bit but I think overall it works - 'ish.

I got the idea from a crap Aussie Soap Opera that my wife watches called 'Home and Away' (They used to show it in the UK, doubt they do in in you neck of the woods.) anyway, there was a storyline a while back where some freaky chick paid someone to beat her up so she could pin it on her ex-husband and I stole the idea. How bad is it when I'm stealing storylines from naff soaps? LOL.

Quoted from sniper you'll probably take some flack for the "He spends most days playing pool and starting fights in biker bars" line. Some will probably says "You can't show that on screen", but I think you can and I like that description. It let me know exactly what kind of guy Grant was.

I'm ready for it! Been reading a lot recently about character introductions, reading loads of scripts just see how other people do it too. There seems to be a feeling amongst a lot of screenwriters that it is fine to put some unfilmables into character introductions. This goes back to the 'breaking the rules' thread. I think they can be used to great effect to set a character up and really make a difference in the scripts I have written since my break. I am sticking with them from now on.

Thanks everyone for the read and feedback folks, much appreciated.

I think this may be my last short for a little while as I am ready to start work on a feature, bit earlier than I wanted really but I have this idea rolling around my head and it is getting bigger and worried that if I ignore it anymore it might go away!

Cheers Gary

Hey Gary

Liked the script. Wasn't so sure about the early exchanges between both characters & as said above found Grant a little dumb & non-questioning as to why this opportunity had come his way.
But then again thats the beauty of shorts, you don't need to explain every thing just run with the story at hand.

So after some early ropey over misogynistic talk from Grant:

"Get that sweet ass of yours over here"

"You are one freaky bitch"

The story improved ten fold & was rivited by the end eveything improved from plot to dialogue to youe descriptive writing. Has been done a hundred times before but I still liked the bathroom scene a sort of dark take on true romance among others.

Saw on an above post from you that you got the idea from HOME & AWAY easily one the worst of those dreaded soaps around. Unintentional humour is all that can be derived from that show so my advice is keep your influences to yourself if its from a similar source

Sorry posted that by accident.

I wanted to finish by saying.

Good script dark unforgiving & bloody as hell which I don't always go for but it fitted the premise perfectly, you didn't hold back.

Not to mention it improved exponentially as it went along.

Cheers
Col.

Thanks for the read Col, you made some good points about Grant.

I know his first lines are a little cheesy, misogynistic certainly and can understand why they do not fit right or even his actions are a little hard to understand. I think that one of the problems with shorts with length constraints (this one cannot be more than 10 pages) is that there is never enough time for real character development as one is expected to get the action started as soon as possible.

I know who Grant is in my head, despite his drunken loser lifestyle he thinks he is cool, he has an idea in his head that he is a ladies man, I am sure you know the type of man I mean, there are plenty of them around. He thinks that is the way you talk to women, he probably gets most of his sex tips from porn movies. In my head that is fine because I know the character but yes it does not easily come across when you are detached from him and just reading the script for the first time. I need to try and think of someway to get that across more.

But that dialogue is intentional, just comes across awkwardly I guess. The same goes for Grant being dumb, as I said earlier he needs to be quite dumb for the story to work, I also introduced the whiskey to dull his senses a little too to try and make it more believable. You are not the first to comment and I may try and do something with that, I will think if there is anything else I can do to try and make him more believable.

Ideally this would start in the bar when Honey is picking him up, we could get a look at Grant in his own surroundings then first. That would be the obvious thing to do, but with a tight page limit I am not sure that can be achieved.

Thanks for the read and glad you enjoyed it, really appreciate it.

Cheers.