AVP2: Aliens vs. Predator by Ryan Huelsman - Horror, Sci Fi, Drama - On the desert colony of Eclipse, the lethal, parasitical Aliens and the stealthy, humanoid Predators continue their epic, centuries long war. Can the colonists put aside their vast differences and confront the warring extraterrestrials before it is too late? 177 pages - doc, format

hello, i'm the writer of avp2. it is a sequel to an alternate version of the first avp movie that i wrote back in 2006.  i personally do want to write a third one, but i won't if not enough people like this script. i ask that people who read this script write reviews so that i can read them, positive or negative.

i ask that people be honest with their reviews. once i have read several i will make my decision as to whether or not i will take the time to write an avp3. its all up to you guys and girls...

can't wait to hear from you guys...

Hey Ryan, you'll need to read other's scripts if you want yours to get read.  At 177 pages, you've got  quite alot here (3 hours worth of "movie).  I read for your first few pages and can pretty much see why.  Lots and lots of "we see", and "we hear", etc.  This thing should most likely be cut way back (unless you're really going for a 3 hour movie here).

Check out some scripts in here and see how they read and look.  Post some reviews and I'll bet you can get some critique back as well.

Thanks for your input, Dreamscale. im not on that much so i won't be able to read many scripts but when i can, i will put in my own input.

However, when it comes to the length, that is how i write and when i specifically want people to see something, thats why i say we see or we hear, when it is specific. and the length, thats how long i wanted it to be, thats the story the way i wanted to tell it. When i wrote it i pictured it as being almost as long as Aliens and thats how i viewed it the entire time i wrote it.

however, i do ask that you give the script a chance, i do do a lot of character development because i want people to feel for the characters so that when they start dying, people fell an emotional connection to them.

Thats all i ask, is that people give it a chance, don't try and read it all at the same time ( i cant even do that). i don't edit my script that much anyway, because each scene means something to either move the plot or help readers connect with the characters.

Dreamscale, i hope that you didn't view this as me being an A** toward what you said, i do love people giving me advice, hints, tips, etc because filmmaking is what i want to do in life and i want all the help i can get. I just... i just wanted to tell you my side of the story and how i wrote AVP2 and why its as long as it is.

No problem at all, Ryan.  I appreciate everything you said and understand where you're coming from.

Problem is this though...if you are serious about what you said about wanting to spend your life in the film business (who doesn't, huh?), and I assume you're talking about being a screenwriter, then you are going to have to understand a number of simple concepts.

Rule of thumb - 1 page of script equals 1 minute of filmed movie.  So, in theory, you should be writing scripts that are 80-120 pages.  At 177 pages, no matter what's going on here, or how important everything may be, it's just WAY TOO LONG.  It will be difficlut to get anyone to read a script that long because going in, the assumption is going to be that it's much too wordy, and should most likely be at least 50-60 pages shorter.  Chances are, that assumption is 100% correct.

I understand what you're saying about wanting people to "see" exactly what you want to show them, but this approach to screenwriting is very amatuerish, and once you start reading other scripts, you'll come to realize this.  I think most start off this way...I know I sure did.  But the bottom line is that you have to be clean, neat, and tight in your writing.  It's better not to be so detailed and exact, as those type of decisions will come down to the director, costume people, set designers, etc.  Just tell your story and create your characters...from there, let the reader draw in his own conclusions.

Finally, you say, "don't read it all at the same time...".  This does not bode well for any script.  It's like saying, don't watch the entire movie in 1 sitting...it's too long.  That's never going to work. Know what I mean?

Whether or not you're in here often, you have to read others scripts if you expect (or want) them to read yours.  At 177 pages, you're asking for at least 3-4 hours of someone's time.  You can get through most scripts in here in under 2 hours if they're easy reads.

That's just the way it works in here...

Quoted from AVPRyan However, when it comes to the length, that is how i write and when i specifically want people to see something, thats why i say we see or we hear, when it is specific.

You can be specific without the we stuff.  It all takes up valuable space.  For example, watch how I shorten your first 9 sentences without the use of "we" into 4 simple sentences that are short and sweet and show the same thing.

BLACK.

Absolutely nothing.  Slowly, stars begin to appear.

A low humming sound...gets louder and louder.

A star ship appears:  it's the Sulaco battleship from ALIENS.

Quoted from AVPRyan and the length, thats how long i wanted it to be, thats the story the way i wanted to tell it. When i wrote it i pictured it as being almost as long as Aliens and thats how i viewed it the entire time i wrote it.

From what I remember, the T cut is 2:13 run time and the SE is 2:34

And you don't need a 177 page script to have character development.

You can have just the same if you wrote a 120 page script.

I'm a big fan of VS scripts if done right--one of my favorites is Freddy vs Predator--but this is too long for me to read.  I'm sure there is stuff that could use some cutting.

Wow... i don't have the time to re-work AVP2 (school, personal life, other scripts, etc.) however i will do my very best to definitely shorten my scripts like that. i confess to two things...

1.) i'm someone who wants to be specific and i know that, with avp2 being the best example, i can get very specific. I apologize for this and...even as i write im starting to go through all my scripts that i have written in my head and see that i go overboard. Sorry...

2.) im someone who loooooves character development, but like i said above, sometimes i go a little over board on the development of my characters. some people have read avp2 and said that "this is more soap opera than horror film." the thing is, i didn't realize that i overkilled character development until after i posted it. i again apologize for that...

Dreamscale and slabstaa, i would like to thank you two for helping me realize why the scripts i write just... don't seem right. Also, you two are the first who have looked at my script and given me advice in a friendly way. Most of the time, i get harsh critics with nothing good to say... at all, and all their advice is harsh and negative. Thanks and... i just started writing a script and i need to fix it before i get to far ahead.http://www.simplyscripts.net/BlahImages/Smilies/smiley.gif

Thanks for your help guys and i apologize for making those mistakes.

Quoted from AVPRyan Wow... i don't have the time to re-work AVP2 (school, personal life, other scripts, etc.) .

It's all kool in the gang my man.  

Give it a lil rewrite, tighten it up a bit and come back to me.

I would be pleased to read it but right now I just dont have time for 177 pages.

Hey Ryan, I'm going to actually attempt to read your script as is.  Can't promise that I'll get all the way through it, but I will give you detailed info and critique for as far as I get.

I've got a feeling that this will most likely be about double the length it should be.  I'll look it voer ASAP and get back with ya.

Late.

Hey Ryan, I got through your first 10 pages.  That’s where I’m going to have to stop, I’m afraid.  I’ll give you detailed critique, pointing out mistakes, as well as some suggestions.  Hope this helps.

First of all, this isn’t formatted correctly…at all.  Not sure if you’re using any screenwriting software, or WORD or the like, but there a number of glowing errors that you need to be aware of.  I’m not going to go into exact details of proper formatting, because the information is readily available all over the net, and most likely, right on simply scripts.

Your first page is your title page.  Don’t start writing the actual script on the title page…start it on Page 1.

Every single scene MUST begin with a Scene Heading.  Scene Headings begin with INT. or EXT.  Scene Headings are all capped.  Once you’ve established a Scene Heading, stick with it every time you’re in that setting.  If it happens to be a house or building with various rooms, just use a “-“, followed by the exact room or location you’re in.  Again, once you do this, continue to use it.  After that, every Scene Heading needs to state when the scene is taking place (Day, Night, Later, Continuous, etc.).  Get in the habit of spelling out the Scene Heading exactly and completely and do it every single time.

When a character is first introduced, the name is Capped and Bolded.  Unless there is a reason to keep a characters identity concealed, when you first introduce them, use their name (don’t use “a man”, “a girl”, etc.), because otherwise, it’s confusing and takes up additional space for no reason.  Same thing with dialogue…once you introduce them and they speak, use the same Character Name, and stick with it exactly as you first used it.

When describing something or someone, don’t go overboard with details that no one cares about, unless they somehow tie into the story/plot, etc.  You’ll want to give the characters age and something about their physical looks, but that’s about it.  I think it’s easiest and cleanest to give their name and then their age in parenthesis (no reason to include “years old”), followed by some quick, clean physical appearance (so we can get an idea in our head and discern characters from each other based on their physical traits, as well as their personalities).  Don’t use additional sentences to say the same thing you’ve already stated.  No reason for it at all…it just takes up meaningless space.

Try not to use the phrases “we see”, “we hear”, etc.  Unless there’s no other clean way to get across what you’re trying to show, DON’T USE these phrases at all.

Try to “show” instead of “tell” in your writing.  You can do this by actually showing emotions on characters’ faces, as opposed to telling us that he’s sad, or she’s mad, etc.

Keep in mind the general rule of thumb that 1 page of text equals 1 minute of screen time. This doesn’t “always” hold true, and will definitely change from page to page, based on what’s going on, but overall, it should hold relatively true, and you need to understand that.

OK, that’s a good start, so let’s go through your script and see where the problems are.  I don’t like “rewriting” anything for people, because I realize this is your baby, and you need to dress him up appropriately.  But I can and will show you where things aren’t working and tell you why.  Based on that, you can hopefully go back and write a new draft that will read easier, look better, and most likely come in well under 120 pages, without really changing the story at all, or removing any plot points, etc.

Set your first Scene Heading.  Should be something like “Space”, or “Blackness”.  As Slabstaa mentioned, you need to trim this opening way down, and it can easily be done, as he showed.  Note how yours looks now.  In the opening scene, you’ve used “we see”, “we hear”, or some other derivative of these phrases 13 times!!!!!!  Get rid of all of them!  In your first 2 paragraphs (5 sentences), you’ve used the word “moment” 3 times.  Adding in your next 2 paragraphs, look how many times you used the word “ship” and “space”.  Don’t use the same word or say the same thing again and again.

When you set your scene, don’t use the same phrase again in your first sentence like you did with the “Control Center”.  You’ve used 5 paragraphs to describe this simple EXT. shot.  You can easily do it in 1 or 2 at the very most.

Introduce your characters with a name if they have any relevance to your story, or if they will be appearing again.  If they don’t warrant a name, chances are good that they shouldn’t show up in your script, and almost for sure, shouldn’t have speaking lines.  Only include what you feel is relevant to the story…things that you would want to see if you were watching this movie.  This opening dialogue scene with the “Communications Worker” and the “Genesis Captain” goes on way too long and doesn’t need to be more than a line or 2 tops.

Your description of “Warner” isn’t good.  The line “His age is starting to catch up to him, but we can see that that hasn’t kept him down.”, is completely meaningless, and also contains a double “that”, that doesn’t sound good at all.  All of a sudden then, you start calling the Communication Worker, Emily, and her dialogue heading reflects this.  If she is a character with a name, she needs to be introduced as soon as she appears on screen.  Also, you’ve now called the planet LV-026 for the first time (I thought it was called Eclipse, but maybe that’s the city’s name?).

Your next Scene Heading has changed again now from what it was earlier.  Also, you’ve used the “Scene Heading” again in your first sentence.  The Scene Heading tells us where we are, or what we’re looking at, so you don’t need to keep repeating it…it just takes up space.  You’ve used 3 sentences here that should be cut down to 1 simple one.

Next scene has the same problems.  You’ve repeated the Scene Heading in your first sentence for the most part.  You’ve also used 3 paragraphs that should most likely be cut to 1.  How can we tell that the people in the pods haven’t aged at all?  We’ve never seen them before.  Also, further in, you mentioned that the trip was only 2 months…how much aging can one do in a couple months?

Next scene should be completely cut, as it doesn’t add anything at all to the script…it’s just 2 extra paragraphs for no reason.

Again, when introducing characters, capitalize and bold their names…and make sure you give them names right off the bat.

Next scene – cut it way back and don’t give all this meaningless information.  We don’t care what each character is wearing unless it somehow plays into the story (or is funny, interesting…something). Same thing with the comment about the black dyed tips of hair, etc.  Don’t continue to say things about people looking at someone.  In the paragraph before the Captain first speaks, you’ve used the word” looks”, or its equivalent 5 times!!!!  Get rid of them!

You all of a sudden mention someone named “Dixon” out of nowhere.  Who is he?  Why wasn’t he introduced?  Again, this scene is way too long, because nothing is really happening.  You could easily get away with 2 or 3 total paragraphs in this entire scene…you used like 9 plus dialogue (and the Captain’s speech is again way too long and unnecessary).

Next scene – again, just way too long and wordy…and way too detailed.  Dialogue between Gail and Liz does not sound real at all.  I don’t think a mother would continually use her daughter’s name in every sentence she speaks to her.  Why would Gail know more about the time they’ve been in space than the Captain?  Doesn’t make any sense at all, and isn’t relevant at all…you’ve simply used twice the space you could have to give the same information, and in the process, made the Captain out to be a complete idiot (and why doesn’t he have a name yet?).

OK, next scene…again, you start talking about this “man”.  Sometimes you call him “Business Man”, and then finally, you introduce him as “Will Cameron”.  You need to introduce every character as soon as they’re onscreen.  It’s very confusing and wastes space the way you keep doing it.  Also, I’m still very confused about this planet…is it LV-026 or Eclipse?  It keeps going back and forth.

OK Ryan, I hope you get the points I’m trying to make.  I also hope that you go through these first 10 pages and attempt a rewrite, doing away with all these things that I’ve mentioned.  I would expect that these first 10 pages could (and should) easily be edited down to about 5 at the most.

I know from experience that this isn’t as easy as it sounds.  It’s tough to edit out stuff that you think shows what you’re trying to convey.  Trust me though, you don’t want to write in this detail, unless your only intended audience is your friends and family (and for their sakes and time, you don’t want to write this wordy anyway).  Cut all the garbage out that doesn’t need to be in there.  Give detail when detail is necessary…as in something we aren’t familiar with, or a creature’s looks, weaponry, etc.  All the other mundane stuff, don’t worry about it and don’t include it.

Hope this helps, bud.

Happy Halloween!

i don't have a lot of time, so i'll try to be quick...

the reason the script begins on the title page is because when i shrunk down the font, everything moved up. i never write a script starting on title page, i started writing in 14 font, but when i shrunk it down to 12, it moved onto the title page. a mistake i forgot to notice immediately, im sorry.

i do start every scene with a heading, int., ext, exact location, day, night...

like ive said, i dont have time to go back and fix avp2... so every bit of advice you give me, i'm incorporating it into my next script, like the wording (there are still we sees and we hears, but nooo where near the amount you have seen.).

trust me... i am sooo starting to cut back on wording and making everything easy to understand, but short and simple so that it doesn't take up space.

also, the reason why i don't reveal a character's name, some times, is because i want to hide their identity until i want to reveal it.

Hey Ryan, your 1st 2 scenes do not have headings...maybe an oversight on your part.  Also, if I'm not mistaken, there are several scenes that do not have time frames (Day, Night, etc.).  And, numerous scene headings that "change" once they're introduced.  You should go back and check it out, and I think you'll see.

If you understand what I'm saying...and agree to a point, you should simply cut out ALL WE SEE and WE HEAR, etc.  Don't have any of them unless there is literally no way around it, and those circumstances are few and far between.

As for hiding a character's identity, that's understandable...if there's a reason to hide it.  The examples I gave you in your 1st 10 pages do not have any reason to be hidden...none at all.  Don't do it unless you are concealing some sort of mystery...a killer you don't want revealed yet, someone doing something that you don't want the audience to know, etc.  Otherwise, introduce them immediately.

So, if you don't have the time (or passion) to rework this script, I guess this is all really a mute point.  The way it reads now, you're not going to get anyone to read it...just the way it is.

Hope I helped a bit though.  I also hope that you do read over your 1st 10 pages and look at what I pointed out.  If nothing else, you really should try and rewrite these pages and see if you can get the page count down to 5 from 10, because I know you can do it...and I know you should do it. It would be a good little exercise that would really help your writing going forward.

Best oif luck to ya!

When I first saw AVP2, I thought pass. When I saw 177 pages, I thought pass. I saw Dreamscale took an interests and thought he'll say whatever I was going to say anyway... I think my instincts proved most right -

And dreamscale good thing you didn't spend alllll that time reading the whole thing, jeez.


BLB

Exactly...