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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Chocolatier
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  Author    The Chocolatier  (currently 7772 views)
Don
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Chocolatier by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short, Horror - While the streets of London are being stalked by the blade of a serial killer, two detectives must investigate a strange note left at the station. 19 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 6th, 2017, 1:35pm
revised draft
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stebrown
Posted: August 31st, 2008, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy, this seems changed from the version I read. Can't quite figure out what bit you've changed...unless I'm just going mental!?

Anyways, this is a tight, well structured story. You did a good job to keep it pretty easy to follow given the back and forth between flashbacks/present.

The dialogue seems pretty accurate for the time period this is set. My one slight suggestion is with the final scene. Just don't really see why it's there as we already know everything that it's about, it isn't bringing anything new to the story.

Good stuff mate


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alffy
Posted: September 1st, 2008, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Ste.

I included the scene late on as I thought it provided a more complete story.  I tried hard with the dialogue and put a bit of research in with locations and slang terms.  Glad you found it easy to follow as this was my major concern.  Glad you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 3rd, 2008, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Allfy, #4 read in the Scarefest 2 group (what happened to the other 3 or 4?).

I think you've done a really good job with this!  I can tell that you put alot of effort into this in terms of time, thought, and research.  Everything seems legit, and it all sounds real for the time period you've chosen.

This is a complicated little script you've got here, and after only 1 read, I really can't say that it all works as is, but it seems to.  It's a bit difficult to keep track of everything because of the jumps back and forth in time, and I think your headers could have made it easier to follow.  I'm assuming that this is a loose adaption of the Jack the Ripper killings in old London, with a new spin added in.  Very well done and concieved.

For me, based on 1 read, this is my favorite of the bunch so far.  Nice job!
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tonkatough
Posted: September 4th, 2008, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy.  I think I owed you a read. so I checked out this. First thought was how the hell do you get a horror story from a chocolate shop.

Have to agree with everyone above that you nailed the time period perfectly. Very Victorian.

The death scene at the end was bloody awful and I had a lot of fun visualing it. quite horrible.

Your play of words in the action was nice and tight and precise. My favourite was "his smile wilts to a frown." I gonna have to pinch that one and use it in my own writing.



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alffy
Posted: September 4th, 2008, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I think you've done a really good job with this!  I can tell that you put alot of effort into this in terms of time, thought, and research.  Everything seems legit, and it all sounds real for the time period you've chosen.


Thanks, I did put a lot of effort in trying to get the tone of the period right.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I'm assuming that this is a loose adaption of the Jack the Ripper killings in old London, with a new spin added in.


Spot on.  I love the Jack the Ripper legend so I thought I'd have a stab at it.  Of course this is very losely based on the facts, the victims and dates are all correct but of course some of the characters are completely fictional.


Quoted from Dreamscale
For me, based on 1 read, this is my favorite of the bunch so far.  Nice job!


Thanks mate.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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alffy
Posted: September 4th, 2008, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
First thought was how the hell do you get a horror story from a chocolate shop.


(I'm chuckling to myself here) It is a strange setting but I sometimes think the oddest settings set the best atmosphere, not the usual asylum or cemetry setting is a nice change I think.


Quoted from tonkatough
The death scene at the end was bloody awful and I had a lot of fun visualing it. quite horrible.


I was a bit unsure with this scene.  I wanted it to be a grusome death but I wasn't sure I nailed it.  I guess I did good with it then.


Quoted from tonkatough
My favourite was "his smile wilts to a frown." I gonna have to pinch that one and use it in my own writing.


Be my guest Glenn.  Funny, my episode for series one had the line 'have a day off mate', which Cindy loved and said she was gonna use it.

Anyway thanks for the read and glad you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 6th, 2008, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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Same as James' script, this one is all in Dingbats font also. You think you can send me the original copy before you converted it to PDF, alffy?

Sean


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alffy
Posted: September 7th, 2008, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Sure thing Sean, do you have finaldraft?  If not, what format do you prefer?


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 7th, 2008, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Yeh, go ahead and send it to me in Final Draft. Thanks, man.

Sean


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alffy
Posted: September 7th, 2008, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Sent you an email so you should have it Sean, thanks for the interest.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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jayrex
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hello Alffy,

I've made notes as I went along.

They turn down a narrow 'cobbled' side street.

Maybe Edward could chew tobacco?  And so can't eat the chocolate.

JACOB
Jacob, please.

Change one of the above Jacobs

Page 7, Frank doubts Jacobs confession and honesty.  Why I ask?

Hanwell - I looked this up.   There is no prison but an asylum.  Is this the reference?

LIZ
Any pleasure you desire sir. - I like this line.  True to the era.

Jack the Ripper idea?

Arsenic in the chocolate?

The figure takes out a match and strikes it on the wall,
brings it up the cigarette, where it illuminates the face of
Frank.

The above paragraph sounds like you need to rewrite it.

The ending is okay.  Sounds interesting.  Edward coughs and sounds ill.  Maybe have him cough throughout the script as it turns out Frank actually gets ill from the chocolate.

Sounds like you researched this putting in the Irish & Jews reference.  Good job overall.

I like the whole atmosphere of the script.  If you have Edward coughing and generally being sick throughout.  Then the mystery to the reader and viewer is diverted.  Whereas Frank ate chocolates and got ill.  Did Edward eat some beforehand and we didn't see this?  Not enough to kill.

I mention arsenic as I read the Jack the Ripper diaries which I believed at the time to be real.  And the book I read was written by a lady who had an agenda.  Arsenic was mentioned as a poison James Maybrick had taken and was addicted too.  Maybe you could look it up?

The ending could of been placed at the beginning and Frank getting caught at the end.  By getting examined at the morgue and discovering a bloody knife in the inside pocket.  Maybe a souvenir of some sort is on him?

Anyway, great stuff.

All the best.


Javier

P.S.
Can someone tell me what all this Scarefest is all about?


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alffy
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting your review here Jay.


Quoted from jayrex
JACOB Jacob, please.


Dunno what you mean with this but Jacob is telling the police to refer to him as Jacob rather than Mr. Stiles.


Quoted from jayrex
Hanwell - I looked this up.   There is no prison but an asylum.  Is this the reference?


Yeah this was an asylum where they sent the, what they refered to as 'the incurable'.  Anyone they assumed was not of sound mind was sent there.


Quoted from jayrex
The ending is okay.  Sounds interesting.  Edward coughs and sounds ill.  Maybe have him cough throughout the script as it turns out Frank actually gets ill from the chocolate.


Yeah I thought of this but then thought it might give the game away.

I did put a bit of research into this script, thaks for noticing.  Gald you thought the dialogue sounded right for the era too.

The Arsenic comments you make are certainly interesting, I think I will look into it.  Thanks for the heads up on that one.

I wanted Frank to be thought of as Jack the Ripper and so when he dies, the murders stopped.  As for him doubting Jacob, many people claimed to be murderers and even the Ripper at the time but were deemed to be mad, hence their visit to Hanwell.

Anyway thanks for the read and the positive feedback, glad you liked it.  I sent you a pm about the series.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy,


This was a well-written script, with great descriptions and great dialogue. The problem I had was when you were going back and forth from the police station to some other location. I still cannot tell if these are flashbacks or if they're happening between sessions in the interview room? And I think I've pretty much figured out why Frank was killed by Jacob...Was it because Frank was getting pleasure from the prostitutes and Jacob just did not agree with all of it? Or was it because Frank killed a prostitute (Liz) (By the way, why did he kill her and just her (unless I missed something)?).

I think that's all I have. Nice twist you have. At first I thought it was gonna be multiple personalities, but then when Rose died horribly by the chocolate, I figured out that Jacob had poisoned the chocolates.

Any way, great job.

Sean


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alffy
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean, thanks for the review.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
The problem I had was when you were going back and forth from the police station to some other location. I still cannot tell if these are flashbacks or if they're happening between sessions in the interview room?


I feared this might confuse some people.  I really wanted to write it this way and hoped readers would follow the story, maybe needs some work then.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
And I think I've pretty much figured out why Frank was killed by Jacob...Was it because Frank was getting pleasure from the prostitutes and Jacob just did not agree with all of it? Or was it because Frank killed a prostitute (Liz) (By the way, why did he kill her and just her (unless I missed something)?).


You're nearly right.  I wanted to write this as a Jack the Ripper story with a new spin.  Frank is completely fictional but I wanted to portrait him as the Ripper or at least suggest he COULD be the Ripper.  Frank sleeps with prositutes and also dabbles in killing some of them.  He sleeps with Jacob's wife who is secretly on the game.  Jacob finds out by following her and gets revenge by murdering both of them.  Liz, or Long Liz as she was known, was the last victim of Jack the Ripper so thats why she the last prositute Frank murders before he's killed by Jacob...and breath lol.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
This was a well-written script, with great descriptions and great dialogue.


I'll finish with your first line, cos I like it.  Glad you thought it had good dialogue, I tried to get the tone right for the era.

Thanks Sean.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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