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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Scarefest 2 - The Clown Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: September 7th, 2008, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Scarefest 2 - The Clown by Malcolm Bowman (scoob) - Short, Horror - When a couple move into their dream house and the husband is forced to work extra hours, Laura Jackson finds comfort in a sinister doll that is eager to have it's evil intentions released. 29 pages - pdf, format


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alffy
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey Malc

Cant say I liked the opening...I have four pet rats lol.

The dialogue reads well, very realistic.

Why are Clowns so freaky?  Being alone in a house with a four foot tall clown doll would freak me out!

Would the Police rush to a house for an obscene phone call?  I'm not saying this wouldn't happen, I genuinely don't know but I have my reservations.

Loved the Clowns transformation.  The oil reminds me of an episode from Creepshow 2, but it had nothing to do with a clown.  I was wondering if the clown was gonna attack Laura, it was a nice surprise to see it protect her.

I wonder why Laura doesn't call her mother and ask her to stay for a while, she mentioned it earlier?

Ben comes across as not caring for Laura but I guess his intentions lie elsewhere.

I like the outcome of the story, Laura is blinded with the power she holds from the Clown but she realises she has no control over its actions it power consumes her too.  A good story and I can definately see this as an episode of Tales from the Crypt or something similar.  It's a bit of slow start and I wondered where the 'Beat the Cheat' thing was going.  Ben's infidelity didn't come as a massive shock but I guess with all the clues, Beat the Cheat, it wasn't meant to be.

Overall, I enjoyed this very much.  Good stuff.


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spencerforhire
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Malcolm

I wonder about the opening scene. It seems you are setting us up for terror and I feel you missed. Why would a rouge clown want to each rats after seeing what and why he or she murders whore chasers. I might rethink the opening.

As well, the opening description might be shorter (tighter). As an example you write, "The room is dark, but there is an extra layer of darness..." Is dark on dark dark or extra dark?

A few more troubling descriptions. The introduction of BEN was very confusing. Could you iron that out better? And... the description at the stairs could also be more terse.

The introduction of REMOVAL MAN was missing and the STALKER did not get transitioned well.

Your story itself was awesome, however, I would try something different than a clown. Maybe the rat at the opening is a pet and does the killing. I don't know seems like the clown has been over used in horror films.

Good visuals and dialouge. It was very natural. And, I liked the idea of the entire story set in basically one location... a house. Overall, very good.


I got nothing.  
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alffy
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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One thing Spencer mentioned was the Stalker and now I think back, he seems a bit vague.  Who is he and why is he stalking Laura?  Just a little more information here would be good.


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Scoob
Posted: September 8th, 2008, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks Alffy and Spencer for reading this one - I've been slacking a bit of late and really need to catch up on things and read the other Scarefest 2 scripts that have been posted. I've downloaded them so will definitly do so this week. By the way, I dont suppose anyone knows what happened to Zack??

Glad you both liked the story. I guess it's not exactly original but I did write it with Creepshow very much in mind!

I agree it needs tightening up in places. The stranger was meant to be reported in the papers and news as being a serial rapist and amazingly coincidently would have been the neighbour to Laura and Ben and would have been spying on her at various stages. But all that had to go because it was going on and on and was just taking too much space.
So I should probably do something to clear that up, perhaps make him a random burglar instead?

Thanks guys for checking this one, I will be sure to check out all the other posted installments asap.


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stebrown
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey Malcom, just read your episode.

I enjoyed it but I have one suggestion.  I think that Laura really needs to connect with the clown more at the start. Maybe if it was in really bad condition and Laura fixed it up. Maybe it became an obsession to her as her loneliness grew, she had to make this clown the best looking thing in the world. Then the clown feels love for Laura for looking after him.

Just I had a bit of a problem with why the clown was helping her out.

Anyway, good episode mate.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 9th, 2008, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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Malcom,


I can't say I enjoyed this one A LOT, but it was okay.

I really feel as though the stalker had nothing to do with the story except add for an extra death scene and possibly give Ben a reason to get mad at Laura in the end.

Did she get Ben's boss killed so Ben wouldn't have to work anymore?

The Beat the Cheat thing kinda destroyed the whole "twist" (if you want to call it one) with Ben cheating on her. I think it'd be better if she didn't watch that show, and she sort of suspected it herself while she's drunk, and soon starts to grow paranoid over it.

I'm really sorry about this, but I laughed every time the clown transformed. The oozing part was kinda cool, and then when the clown's mouth opened "wider and wider until it  extends at least four feet, shark sized dagger sharp jaws  inside forefront a tunnel of darkness," I couldn't help but let out a giggle. It's just a funny, cheesy sight to imagine. But no offense.

I got mad at Laura for not fighting back when Ben was yelling at her.

Any way, sorry I didn't like it that much, but I hope what I said was helpful in any way, and I hope you take no offense to it.

Sean





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Dreamscale
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Malcolm, just found this one...apparently, it wasn't submitted with the other Scarefest 2 scripts.  What happened, and where are the rest of them?

Didn't really like this one, I'm sorry to say, and here's why...

First of all, your tagline is extremely clunky and poorly written.  I think you started off by doing a great dis-service to your script.

The script itself is also filled with mistakes, typos, and misusage of words.  You often make a mistake between "in to" and "into".  For a short script, there's just way too many things that should have been caught and corrected up front.  These are the easy fixes.

The more difficult fixes (and problems) have to do with the story, the structure, the characters, and the dialogue, all of which I didn't think worked.  I'll go over each below, but wanted to throw out a compliment here as well.  Got to hand it to ya for your very creative imagination on your killer clown, and how and what he does.  Very original and extremely graphic in your gore.  Down side to this compliment, however, is that your kills seemed to be duplicated again and again, and after the first one, it no longer was effective.  And although your creature was pretty cool and unique, it didn't make alot (or any) sense)

OK, the story...didn't like it, because there was just way too much going on, but then again, not enough going on at the same time.  For a short, I think having a monster and a serial rapist at the same location in a matter of a few days, is just too much.  Also, a cheating husband and boss that wants to cheat or even rape his employee's wife, is just piling on.  Other than this, the story was too slow and involved way too much watching TV and phone calls.

The structure was odd to me.  I think you spent way too much time giving exact details of each kill.  It went on too long, even though the initial kill was interesting.  Everything seemed to have a very plodding feel to it, and was written very matter of factly, if you know what I mean.  It just didn't flow very well for me.

The characters didn't work at all for me, I'm sorry to say again.  No one seemed even remotely real, nor did the relationships and interactions between characters.  The best example was Ben's boss.  His actions were cartoonish and he came off as extremely unbelievable.

I think the above has alot to do with the dialogue, which for me was very unrealistic, and hurt in making the characters believable or even likeable. Using Ben's boss again, the things he says to Laura were just comical and came off as ridiculous.  Alo, the last scene with Ben and Laura when she confronts him about the other girl.  It didn't sound real and just didn't work.

Sorry for the harsh review, but these are my feelings here.  I think you had a wonderful idea for the clown and how it killed, as well as some great visuals involving it.  I also liked the black goo it turnewd into, again, very imaginative.  I don't think you should have shown it kill in this fashion another 3 times though, as it became way overboard.

Maybe my harshness is because I really liked your idea and the possibilities you had.  I just didn't like the direction you took it.  Hope some of this helps and makes sense.


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Scoob
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading this one guys, appreciated.

I have to agree with all your points, and gives me something to work on in future.
My only excuse I can give for making it so over the top with the way characters acted or spoke is because I was just trying to push things quickly - yet it does come across as if nothing happens for ages so I could probably do with cutting a few things out such as the stalker.

I was trying to do something similar to the original Creepshow, where that looked and came across as a comic book come to life but I dont think I really succeeded, apart from create a load of cheese.

And I have to agree with you Sean about some of the descriptions - I had a quick lookover it and it is way over the top! But I guess I was writing about a killer clown doll that can apparently melt and digest objects and also drive away vehicles!

Still, I guess the positive is that this is my first short so I will try and get it right next time round.

Thanks again for all your views and reading this one, always appreciated!



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tonkatough
Posted: September 19th, 2008, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Yes I have to admit when I first started to read this I rolled my eyes a few times.  New couple move into new home that has a demonic clown doll yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah seen it all a hundred times before.

But  by page 8 I really got into your script and was really enjoying it,  what with the stalker and the cheating husband you had a plot that could of went anywhere and I didn't know what would ahppen next. That's the best way to keep your audience glued to yoru script- keep them guessing.

Very clever how the show on the TV echoed the situation in your script. ( you know like the cheater show and what the woman was thinking about her husband)

Three times the clown attacked and three times I just skimmed over those paragraphs- tenticle ripping bodies apart, blood gush is such a Jap Anime  Overfiend tenticle violence knock off I found it boring the first time I saw it and every other hundred time after that.   C'mon man, you can come up with something better than that lame shtick you burrowed from somewhere else.

The ending was a classic and made me laugh. Perfect set up for a sequal.  Oh those poor poor children

All in all a good read with a very nice plot that was tight and unpredictable


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Scoob
Posted: September 28th, 2008, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Tonka for reading this one,

Glad you enjoyed it for the most part and Im especially pleased you liked the ending!  

About the Clown's killing method - I guess it did get old pretty quick and it was a mistake to repeat the same thing. I had an idea that it would use the victims fears against them and mutate into whatever fear that would have been but that has been done before ( IT most notably - and with a clown!) so I thought I came up with something original and over the top.  But having read it back a while ago it seems more like " The Thing" ( one my favourites ) but less interesting.

Thanks a lot Tonka for checking this out, I need to crack on reading other peoples work around here - I will check out your two shorts you have on your sig for starters.




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JoshuaBman
Posted: December 20th, 2011, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Malcolm,
I finally got a chance to read your script and personally I would have left that damn clown in the basement. I did see some typos that needed to be fixed. Great description for the way the stalker and other characters getís murdered. The end felt too abrupt, but was kind of funny. I think it would be hilarious if Ben would have got busted for cheating on BEAT THE CHEAT. Maybe Laura and the clown can fall in love, just a thought. Overall thought it was a well structured Horror script, keep writing.


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