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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  30,000 Fate Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 14th, 2008, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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30,000 Fate by Expendable Films - Short - When two strangers meet on a plane, casual conversation leads to one sentence that changes a life forever. 8 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 22nd, 2012, 12:14pm
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jayrex
Posted: September 14th, 2008, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hello Clint,

You have a good story here that could be better.  The ending could be stronger.  James buying a ticket to see his kid is good, but I feel that if you had James arriving at Minneapolis with Danelle.  Walking out to greet Vanessa and Riley would make for a hair rising on the back of the neck experience, that accumulating with the punchline.

What do you think?

There are a few formatting issues that you will need to correct, but as a premise.  The story is good.

All the best.


Javier


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