Bad Penquin (feature) by Phil Clarke Jr. - Comedy, Dark Comedy, Dark Penquin Comedy - A blind musician befriends an angry armed-to-the-teeth penguin that wishes to teach Clover City how it feels about Christmas.  What a foul water fowl! 122 pages - pdf, format

Hey Phil,

Just a quick question, is this a completely stand alone script or does it require you read the series first?

It's stand alone and answers all the questions you may have regarding the Bad Penguin series.  Questions like 'WTF?'  and 'Are you stoned?'

Unlike the series, this script has an actual story.


Phil

I've read about fifty pages of this so far, and I think it's kind of dragging.  Given its length though, I pretty much expected it.

The real issue is in the comedy.  Outside of the Penguin itself, I think it really has to be searched for, and ultimately, the novelty of the penguin will wear off pretty quick.  Pretty much after the initial scene.  Granted, comedy is subjective, so you'll probably get varying thoughts on this.

Cooper seems to be a fairly well developed character, and the plotting of Wee Billy and Chinny looks like it may take an interesting turn, but this has really got to be tightened up.

I'll keep moving along on it.  Just wanted to give some thoughts so far.

Okay, back into it now, and I just finished the flashback part.  I fail to see how Christmas killed his family?  I caught the Santa Claus look a like bit, but that doesn't tie in at all with being separated from his family and the elderly penguin dying from what I can see.

The Terrance/Penguin battle seemed to go on a bit long for me.  I would also tone back his saying "little birdie" so much.

And I'm done.  As you got further into the script, I noticed that the comedy became a little more prevelant, but I still don't know if it was enough to justify this as a comedy.  It's got some really dark stuff in here.

And now, the big one.  The Penguin.  I think he actually hurts the story.  The character in and of itself is fine, but as I said, once that novelty wears off there's not much point to it.  Plus, you risk the danger of the novelty having already worn off with the slew of penguin stuff that was released a couple years ago.  I'm 100% that you're not going to agree with me on this and probably also think I'm crazy, but if the penguin were turned into a man, it would put the story in an all new, and I think better, light.

There is a story here, Phil, and it's not as bizarre as one would be lead to believe once you forget the Penguin.  You just need to trim it back and keep the flow going.  By trim, I would say about a third of what you have needs to go.  Put it in the 95-100 page range.

Thanks for the read, Mike.

I certainly agree with you in regards to the length.  The original draft was about 150 pages and I had trouble getting it down to 138 page.  I am going to get back to it before the end of the yearand trim some more of the fat.  Right now, I just don't see any.

I don't think the original BP shorts would really affect people's opinions of this piece.  As I said earler, this script has an actual plot to it and isn't just a weird scene.  In regards to the slew of Penguin stuff, this was partially the inspiration for BP.  I wanted to do a darker version of Happy Feet before Happy Feet II came out.

In regards to it being a comedy, I was tinking along the lines of a black comedy.  While everyone is celebrating Christmas, we also see how hateful everyone is.  I originally was thinking of listing this script as a fantasy, but there's no fantasy section on the boards.

I think that changing the Penguin into a man would definitely change the story into something more mundane.  It would also make him less of an outsider.  He's a character with no home and no place to go.

Again, thanks for the read.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I certainly agree with you in regards to the length.  The original draft was about 150 pages and I had trouble getting it down to 138 page.  I am going to get back to it before the end of the yearand trim some more of the fat.  Right now, I just don't see any.

The first, and probably easiest place to start would be in revising the prose.  It won't cut as much as you need, but you could probably lose about 5 or so pages just in trimming that.  Second, I would say some of the exchanges between Wee Billy and Chinny.

Quoted from Dogglebe I don't think the original BP shorts would really affect people's opinions of this piece.  As I said earler, this script has an actual plot to it and isn't just a weird scene.

Neither do I.  I didn't factor the shorts in at all as I read.

Quoted from Dogglebe In regards to it being a comedy, I was tinking along the lines of a black comedy.  While everyone is celebrating Christmas, we also see how hateful everyone is.  I originally was thinking of listing this script as a fantasy, but there's no fantasy section on the boards.

I think it toes the line of Dark Comedy more near the end of the script than at the front.  True about the fantasy section.  I think those just get lumped into Adventure.

Quoted from Dogglebe I think that changing the Penguin into a man would definitely change the story into something more mundane.  It would also make him less of an outsider.  He's a character with no home and no place to go.

It would definitely make it a little more straightforward, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.  I also don't think that it would make him less of an outsider.  You can certainly have a person with no home and no place to go, without running the risk of having a novelty aspect grow thin.

Phil,

just letting you know that I have not forgot. I've read it, but haven't had the time to type something up. I have some time sensitive projects at the moment. One being  a Doritos commercial Shelton wrote! Pretty cool, I think.

Anyway, I'll say this, one thing that I do respect, admire about you is that whenever you post something that gets a luke warm reception here on the boards, you always take comments no matter how harsh and go back and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite. Just look what you did with NED! Bad Penguin has also been improved to the point that it no longer remind us of the super short versions. This script still need some work though, but I'm sure you'll work hard to fix it up.

I'll type something up shortly.  Promise.  

Doritos?  Shelton?  Two words I'd never put in the same sentence!

Looking forward to your comments.


Phil

Phil,

Sorry it took me so long.

First off I want to point out that there’s one thing I do respect/admire about you and that is the ability/determination to improve something after you have posted something here that get either a lukewarm or even bad reception. I remember when you first posted Not Even Death and how people pretty much disliked it and then you rewrote it to the point where it became the Grand Prize winner at Gimme Credit.  In a way I think you’ve done the same thing here. When the super short Bad Penguin first appeared it was not received well. It seemed random and lacking in story and left many readers going WTF?  Now you have fixed those few shorts about the Bad Penguin to the point where it is now a 137 page feature. Now that is something I admire and can respect. However, that does not mean this feature is without faults…

I have to agree with Mike here about a lot of the things. The length being a problem IMHO.  At 137 pages currently, I could easily see you trimming about 30 of those. There are some descriptions and action sentences that do nothing but add an extra line, but bigger sections are longer than they need to be as well. For me, one of those segments was the Penguins flashback or background. It goes on for 13 pages!!! I think 10 pages could be trimmed right there. I also agree with Mike that it does not really explain the Christmas hate thing. I think you need to find a better reason for him to hate Christmas.

As far as characters go, Cooper is really our “hero”, not the Penguin. Cooper is also the only character I felt anything for. He seemed like a nice likable guy and I cared about him. The Penguin on the other hand was hard to get a handle on. Hard to feel anything about. He might be “cute” as a cartoonish character in a noir’ish world, but his character didn’t really establish itself with me. Sometimes he seemed cute, caring and nice, but other times just plain unpleasant. In the end, I honestly didn’t care one bit about him. I cared about Cooper, but that’s about it. I think you need to decide exactly what/who that Penguin really is.  You take a loooooong time before the Penguin speaks. When he does, it’s nothing profound, funny or witty or anything. I enjoyed him not speaking. I liked the idea of Cooper and him understanding each other and having conversations without “talking. A blind man and a mute. Made me feel they were really close, understood each other. When he starts to talk but says nothing interesting it kills that idea. I think you need to decide if he speaks or not. If he does, he should speak more and if not than keep it a special thing between Cooper and him.

Wee Billy and Chinny are okay, but their conversation at the end about them being best friends since they were two went on way past what was needed.

I remember the first piece I read of this when you were only 30 or so pages in. I thought it was a dark comedy at that time. I especially thought the part with the Penguin and Georgina was better in that version than the one you had here. Btw, at the bar/tavern in the beginning (I thought it was a good start) the Penguin is at the bar, but later Chinny and Wee Billy say they’ve never seen him. How could they miss him?
There are numerous typos throughout this script, but I know you don’t necessarily want them pointed out and to be honest, I don’t care too much about that stuff either. Just letting you know they are there.

Finally I will say that I agree with Shelton, the Penguin is a cool idea, but after the first 20 or 30 pages that wears thin. We need more from him. He needs a better personality. If this is really about him the BAD PENGUIN you need to develop him better. Make us care about him. Even if he’s an antihero, we need to care. Right now, I do not. Cooper is the only one I like. And on a positive note, you did portray him (Cooper) very well.

Lastly, I did really like the ending with the eyes!! Didn’t necessarily make me like the Penguin, but I was happy for Cooper…. Evil or not.  

I might post some more stuff as they come to me, but this was all I had time for today.

I hope it helps.

pia  

I got to page 9 and nothing really made me laugh.  It seems like more of a slow moving epic that a comedy.

Sorry you couldn't get into it, ShotgunFever.  Keep in mind that it's more of a black comedy, so it won't be filled with the yucks-yucks.

I appreciate your compliments on me, Pia.  I think a writer should be grateful when someone reads/reviews your script as they're taking time from their day to read something you wrote.  Even if it's not met well, it's still time out of their day.

As I said before, the length is a problem, and I've already cut about ten pages from it.  I'm going to wait until next year before I do rewrites on it (I'm working on something else right now).

Cooper was meant to be the only good character here.  Everyone else is either a crook, or bigoted or just plain miserable.  The story needed someone like that just to show that there is good in the world.

In regards to Wee Billy and Chinny not recognizing the Penguin, there was a lot of that in the script.  When the police go through the bar.  At the tree lighting.  There's only one penguin loose in the city.  With everyone thinking it's another penguin, I'm showing that people generally don't care about anything.


Thanks for the reads.


Phil

Definately a different type of comedy, maybe more dark hunor than anything, but overall a great story.

Story 8.5/10
Outline 9/10
Comedy 8/10
Overall 8.5/10

Aaron,

welcome to SS.

That was nice of you to read this script, but... perhaps you could offer some input, suggestions or even harsh critisizm (Phil likes those    ) instead of just giving out a score.

I've read this script too and I'm also interested in your take on it.  

Gotta tell ya that the image reminds me a great deal of THE WRONG TROUSERS.

For those who's read the short penguin scripts, this feature is quite good. Expertly written for sure and I bet you have never read anything like it before.