Daddy is Home by PC - Short, Horror, Thriller - A man wakes up in a stranger's bedroom after a wild night only to find out the stranger is his wife. - pdf, format

Okay, this might actually have set the all time record for speed to get a script posted...

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SPOILERS





Oh Pia,

I thought I'd give this one a quick read before I have to run to work.

I really liked this one. I didn't know what to think of this Misery type of lady (Jill) and her husband until she whacked him with the shovel then I knew.

Has your husband read this one???
You mentioned before that you have a barn.  LOL

Anyway, I believe you have another winner here. Pretty creepy.
A nice appetizer before Halloween.

Can't think of any suggestions right now.

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for reading! I think this is the slowest response I have ever got to any script posted here before...
Maybe Nine Circles turned everyone off.

I'm glad you like this one. I originally wrote it for a director in Ireland. He wanted a lot of rewrites however and I'm bad about that sort of thing. Every rewrite I did, it got worse and worse. Anyway, this is the version I personally liked best.

No, I have not had my husband read it.   He likes nice things only! haha.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I appreciate it and I'm glad to see you back here!  

Hey Me. Or You... or hmm I don't know!

Just read the script and I thought it was really cool. The way you write makes it very easy for me to visualise it.

I don't fully get it though... The guy didn't have memory problems at all? If he didn't, how come he didn't know where he was in the morning? Or was it just a drunk night?

At the end, if we can see that it really is in the middle of nowhere, that would be cool. OR you could make it that it's a small park/forest right near the ladys house, which is in the middle of the suburbs. So the idea that this crazy lady is right under everyones nose.

Again, well done, I really like the script.

Tom

Hey Mama Mia,

Been a while since I read that one.  I'm assuming you changed it around a bit since I read it. It reads nicely and it's a cool creepy story.

The one thing I would change is the shovel scene.  I think it tells us too early that Jill is bonkers.  I think you can tell us that in the last scene but not the first.  Perhaps switch the shovel and the zapper.  If she zaps him earlier I think we really could believe that she believes she is doing the right thing.  Some how hitting him over the head doesn't seem as right.

Otherwise well done!

Hey Pia,

Funny story. You did a good job in making me think on one thing and then completely changing it around. The whole baby thing was sick. I can't even imagine that. It's something positive though, lol.

I'm kind of concerned about when the guy goes to the baby's room. Wouldn't he try to  move and talk to the baby in the dark rather than turn on the light and find the baby?

Also, I think it should be when the baby stops crying that lets Jill know something's up?  

May be you can turn this into night. The moonlight shining in and seeing that will be something.

But a great piece of work overall.
Gabe

Quoted from me Hey Cindy, Thanks for reading! I think this is the slowest response I have ever got to any script posted here before... Maybe Nine Circles turned everyone off.

I don't think so. It was only posted yesterday. There are a few people's scripts here that I always read, and sometimes I don't post anything about them cos' I don't think I could help in any way.  

Is this one getting produced?
If not, I hope you got paid from that person for all the time you spent on rewrites.

I re-read the script again today cos' I didn't have anything constructive to say about it yesterday (little time before having to leave for work)...

Every time I read a script, I think to myself: If this was mine, what changes would I make to it; and that's how I post my replies (as how I would do something) After reading it again, I do have a couple suggestions for your story.
These are only my suggestions. You can either use or lose them...

The first scene when he wakes up and knows he got lucky, well, you have sounds of cooking and the baby. I think I'd take it a little further and have her singing a happy little song while she cooks.

Now on page 12 when he finds the baby, you have her standing behind him telling him he can't leave her...
but he wasn't leaving her. He was standing by the baby.

I think that's a good place to show more of her craziness.
Maybe she thinks he came to visit "their baby".
Maybe have her pick up the baby, kiss it.
Have him react.
Then when she sees his reaction to this, she could struggle with her own thoughts and reality....

but the shovel scene I thought was really evil. It came out of nowhere... a complete shock. I liked it.

Good job,

Cindy

Hey Pia,

I remember reading this one before one Friday night, and I think there was a suggestion I had given you, but I'll be damned if I remember what it was.

Anyway, I think the story is pretty basic, yet quite creepy at the same time.  It's got a Misery type thing going on, Like Cindy mentioned, and the baby part is sort of like Psycho.  Can't go wrong with those comparisons.

I think Michael's comment about the shovel is valid, although how you have it is fine too.

Hey Pia, haven't read any comments so probably repeats of things here.

Really loved this script, especially your descriptions.

I thought the general feel you created was great, and this could easily be made and work well on screen.

I knew what was happening pretty early on, but that didn't harm the read, it just left me smiling at what a good idea it was.

I think you could maybe extend this and show how they meet. Maybe she puts an ad out in a lonely hearts. You could then get us feeling sorry for her as her date is a disaster (bringing up marriage, kids etc..) You could make David a bit of a hate figure in the first scene too, just seeing her as a one-night stand. Then we have him waking up to this and we're kind of torn between hating him but also kinda glad because of that first scene. Just a suggestion, as like I say I really loved this script.

Hey Pia

Thought this was a good solid script, really enjoyed it.  Have to agree with Michael about the shovel, after that I knew Jill was nuts and that maybe David wasn't her husband.

I loved the opening scene, waking up and not knowing where he was. I thought you were gonna show that David had got married and couldn't remember.

This started as a comedy but then decended into a bizarre and twisted tale. I found this surprising but I must confess that I loved it. I like a twisted story and the mummified baby is right up there.  The final scene with all the graves is funny too, in a strange serial killer way lol.

Anywho, I liked it.

Quoted from Tommyp I don't fully get it though... The guy didn't have memory problems at all? If he didn't, how come he didn't know where he was in the morning? Or was it just a drunk night?

Hey Tom,

thanks for reading!

David did not suffer from amnesia, only memory loss on his part is what happened last night and how he ended up there. He is not married to Jill. Jill is a psycho looking for a husband and a dad for Janey. Maybe I didn't manage to get that across clearly.

Glad you liked it.  

Quoted from mcornetto Been a while since I read that one.  I'm assuming you changed it around a bit since I read it. It reads nicely and it's a cool creepy story. The one thing I would change is the shovel scene.  I think it tells us too early that Jill is bonkers.  I think you can tell us that in the last scene but not the first.  Perhaps switch the shovel and the zapper.  If she zaps him earlier I think we really could believe that she believes she is doing the right thing.  Some how hitting him over the head doesn't seem as right.

Michael,

this is pretty much the original version. I was asked to do a bunch of rewrites and asked you and Shelton (and a couple more) for input on those. I did take your comments into consideration, but a few people thought we needed to see her crazyness earlier so I tried to combine the different suggestions. I did skip the last line as you suggested and I agree it made the ending better.

Thanks again!

Quoted from Mr. Ripley The whole baby thing was sick. I can't even imagine that. It's something positive though, lol.

I personally LOVED the mummy baby myself and reused that idea in my first feature.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley I'm kind of concerned about when the guy goes to the baby's room. Wouldn't he try to  move and talk to the baby in the dark rather than turn on the light and find the baby? Also, I think it should be when the baby stops crying that lets Jill know something's up?   May be you can turn this into night. The moonlight shining in and seeing that will be something.

All good suggestions Gabe.

Thanks for reading.

Will comment on the rest later. I'm at work right now.  

I popped in to look at the OWC -- not up yet -- so I peered over to this one while waiting.

This one is fine as it is, Pia.  Quite good.  As was kind of mentioned in the Script Club thread, there really is not much wrong with this script that cannot wait until somebody who plans to shoot it asks for specific changes.  The story is sound as it is.

I did look over the comments, though -- and actually have a few comments on the comments -- and a few small ones of my own for your consideration.

For me, David's confusion could be more palpable early in the story.  We should start off believing Jill and doubting David.  That misdirection is the greatest strength of this story, and it drives the payoff.  You already achieve this to a large extent, but making this stronger is something to look at if you do consider a rewrite.

You also have David say he has to be at work by noon.  Who goes to work at noon?   It sounds weird.  This is just a small point, sure, but it's morning, and you should move this up to a more reasonable time -- eight or nine, you know?

I personally have no problem with the shovel.  I mean, we find out later that she obviously has one.  But if these complaints have risen a shadow of doubt, perhaps you could have her use the frying pan with which she cooked the eggs to clobber her beloved David.  Just as effective.

In regards to another comment, I have to say that I would not extend this -- and particularly not on the front end, showing how these two got to know each other.

Again, a large part of what makes this work is the doubt you plant in the reader.  Has David really forgotten these things?  Is his job really a figment of his imagination?  Introducing these characters early would lose that angle.  If anything, you might even consider introducing a little hint of David starting to doubt his own sanity.  Hold off on revealing the truth about Jill for as long as possible.

And finally, I would change the title.  Somehow, "Daddy's Home" works much better for me.

Quoted from CindyLKeller There are a few people's scripts here that I always read.

Your reading is always appreciated.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Is this one getting produced? If not, I hope you got paid from that person for all the time you spent on rewrites.

No, I told him I couldn't do it any more. Which was true because I have been busy with stuff. I don't think anyone really expects to get paid for a short. That's just how it goes with shorts.

Quoted from CindyLKeller The first scene when he wakes up and knows he got lucky, well, you have sounds of cooking and the baby. I think I'd take it a little further and have her singing a happy little song while she cooks.

In one of the rewrites I had her singing a nursery rhyme throughout. Thought that would sound creepy.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Now on page 12 when he finds the baby, you have her standing behind him telling him he can't leave her... but he wasn't leaving her. He was standing by the baby.

I noticed this myself after I had already submitted it. That always seems to happen.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I think that's a good place to show more of her craziness. Maybe she thinks he came to visit "their baby". Maybe have her pick up the baby, kiss it. Have him react. Then when she sees his reaction to this, she could struggle with her own thoughts and reality....

Good ideas, but I wanted things to just spiral completely out of control at that point. Actully I might have just been in a hurry to get to the end... I tend to do that a lot.

Quoted from CindyLKeller but the shovel scene I thought was really evil. It came out of nowhere... a complete shock. I liked it.

I did too!

Thanks again Cindy.

Btw, why don't you take part in the Killer Game thing Cornetto has going? We could use a few more women on that cruise.

Quoted from Shelton I remember reading this one before one Friday night, and I think there was a suggestion I had given you, but I'll be damned if I remember what it was.

Yes you did read it, but it was a very different version. This one is pretty much the original and even though it may not be perfect, I like it enough myself that I'm not going to make any drastic changes. I think your suggestions at the time was in regard to stuff that is no longer in this version.

Quoted from Shelton Anyway, I think the story is pretty basic, yet quite creepy at the same time.  It's got a Misery type thing going on, Like Cindy mentioned, and the baby part is sort of like Psycho.  Can't go wrong with those comparisons.

Yeah the mummy baby very much like the mummy mother in Psycho. I just love that though. I reused it in the feature and one person that read that one said it reminded him of Vacancy, Psycho and Rosemary's Baby. That made me happy, but I'm no idiot, I know it's nowhere near any of those in quality...

Thanks for that second read Mike!  

Quoted from stebrown Really loved this script, especially your descriptions.

That's why I love screenwriting so much. Even someone like me who has trouble expressing themselves in text only can still write a decent and easy to read script by just trimming all sentences into bare minimum. I even try to avoid the word "and" and it seems to be working. At least for me. I'd be the worst poet on the planet though. Maybe that's why I HATED the Poe month at MP.  

Quoted from stebrown I thought the general feel you created was great, it just left me smiling at what a good idea it was.

Maybe I shouldn't say this, but many times I've partied hard only to wake up the next day not knowing where I am or how I got there. One time I even woke up in a different country. It's sort of unsettling so even though this one turns psycho, the idea really comes from my wild days as a teenager.

Quoted from stebrown I think you could maybe extend this and show how they meet. Maybe she puts an ad out in a lonely hearts. You could then get us feeling sorry for her as her date is a disaster (bringing up marriage, kids etc..) You could make David a bit of a hate figure in the first scene too, just seeing her as a one-night stand. Then we have him waking up to this and we're kind of torn between hating him but also kinda glad because of that first scene. Just a suggestion, as like I say I really loved this script.

In one of the rewrites I had them meet at a bar and she uses some date rape drugs on him. That's how she gets him home and him not remember anything.

Anyway Stephen, thanks for read and happy you liked it.  

Gtg serve snacks for people watching football even though the important game is still 3 hrs away.