Mister Schultz's Zombie Army by Phil Clarke Jr. (dogglebe) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Mikey and Bobby are the only ones who can stop the mad scientist next door. 11 pages - pdf, format

I wasn't really enjoying this...but then I got to the end. Great ending haha.

I thought this was a good story for a week's work, good job with it. I think the dialogue suffered a little, it wasn't very believable. I didn't really get a sense of horror until the final scene either.

Aren't the scripts supposed to take place on October 31st? This is the day before.

A small technical note; in a few places you say the location in the action, repeating what you've already said in the slug-line. Might want to watch out for that in the future.

This is my first read, so nothing to compare it to. I'd say it was okay but could definately use a bit more work, character-wise.

Agree with Ste, not good at all until the ending, which, in itself isn't great either...but better then the rest for sure.

Lots of mistakes here.  Main problem I had was the incorrect use of "O.S.".  I'm not sure what you were going for by using this over and over, but for me, it didn't work or make sense.  It's fine if you are showing something other than the kids speaking, but the problem is that you have numerous scenes in which the kids aren't even shown once, but are speaking.

Also was confused whether or not this was taking place in the present or the 50's.  Your story ends before 10/31 even begins.  Also, your 2 protags are only 10 years old, and the minimum was 12, I think.

I like your premise here and the end is quite funny, but I don't see any horror here at all.  Could be better with some more time and thought.

[quote=stebrown]
Aren't the scripts supposed to take place on October 31st? This is the day before.

To answer Ste first...I believe the scripts could lead up to it.

The characters were younger than the 12-18, but I thought it was a cute story.  It's not horrific...sort of mad scientist-ish... =)  

There were many mistakes, so cleaning it up is something you should work on...especially since all we have is "words" to judge in a screenplay.  

~m~

I liked this one. The interaction between the boys was very good. The other characters all fitted the stereotypes you would expect young boys to do battle and interact with.  I gather it took place in the 50’s and the story reflected the innocence usually portrayed in this time zone. (very well) (not being from the States I gather the 48 stars in the flag had something to do with something?).  It was well written, but……I would have liked something else. A twist to the story that I wasn’t expecting. The ending was sort of a twist but not a great twist. The basement (or room) next door appears in about fifty thousand movies all dealing with someone suspecting something is going on. From Hitchcock to Landon& Ellsworth (Disturbia).  So for me, it had to have something special to set it a part.

The fact your characters are only 10 years of age may put off any young adults from being interested in the script / story. (the audience for the script was young adult) characters could be any age. Enjoyed reading this one Walford

I thought it was cute.  I liked the ending.  At first I wasn't enjoying it but the writing seemed to get a bit better as it went on and there were less mistakes and I guess it grew on me.  My only hesitation would be that I think it might play too young for young adult. Otherwise pretty good.

This one actually reminded me of "The Burbs" with the whole creepy neighbor scenario.  The only problem with that, is that I was expecting it to be funny, and in a sense the ending is, but this really should have been just a little more angled to the horror side.

From a theme standpoint, I thought you did a fairly good job even without it taking place on Oct 31st.

I liked this one!

It didn't stick too much to the assignment though... What was the invasion? The hoax?

Regardless, it was well written and structured well.

I'm voting 4 stars. would have been 5 if you had stuck to the challenge better.

Nice job!

Btw, did you spell it Zomebie on purpose?

Cute. Some of the dialogue seemed to modern, not really fitting the retro 1950's feel (which I think worked well for this story)...The two kids were too similiar; would have liked some real contrast between Mikey and Bobby...Relies a little too much on stereotypes, but over all an enjoyable, breezy short.

I felt "The Burbs" too, which isn't a bad thing...

I think the hoax should have been played up more though.
Maybe have them call the cops, make up flyers,,, something...

Also I didn't care for the ending with the kids being put on the spot and left there. I think they should have been saved some how.

I did enjoy the read. I liked this script a lot, and think it was good for a one week challenge. I liked how the two kids interacted with each other, too.

Cindy

well written...solid effort...a little bit predictable, but still, a good story...unlike others, i thought it contained the requirements prescribed by the owc guidelines...there were just a few minor complaints (pg. 10 "he points all around"...there are 3 he's in the room...)but the writing was well crafted...4 stars all the way...

Finally I found another one that fits the young adult genre. Good job on that side of the ball game.

I liked the kids spying on Mr. Schultz and going to investigate.

The ending had a bit of a twist because we almost thought that Mr. Schultz was your average professor.

Good job.

Sandra

I just want to thank everyone who read this script and commented on it.  I don't enter the OWC's much and I had a great time with one.


Phil

Hi Phil,

Finally got around to reading the script that won.

I enjoyed your script throughout.  Ten year olds being ten years olds.  Getting upto mischief and letting their imagination run away from them.  I liked the ending and can see how young adults would like this story.

All the best,


Javier

p.s.  I'm taking your lead and I've started to write a mockumentary.  When it's finished, would you like to preview it?

Send me your script when it's ready.

And thanks for the read.


Phil