Moon Over Marin by A. Rodriguez (fredigy) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Uncle Orran has been telling haunted stories about the town of Marin to his nephew Joe for years. Now that Joe is older, he discovers the tales are true and Marin will fall unless he does something about it. - pdf, format

Well, you've sure gone for an awful lot in 13 pages...that's for sure.

This reads kind of like a zany comedy...at least I hope it's not to be taken seriously.  It's very hard to follow what's supposed to be going on, cause it just jumps all over the place.  It's also just about impossible to get any real visual of what is taking place, based on your descriptions.

I really dislike how so many characters aren't named.  Also, several main characters (like Joe, for instance) aren't described at all in terms of age, or anything else.  No one seems like a real person here, sorry to say.

I don't really feel this hits on the OWC requirements either...where's the hoax?  Who are the 2 main protags?  Where is the warning of the town?  

I think you went for way too much, and because of it, it's a tough read.  

I don’t think the story was well thought out. The dialogue goes down too many rabbit holes. Too many characters getting in the way of a frenzy of goings on.  I was more confused than horrified.  Interesting start could have lead on to better things but sort of didn’t. walford

This started out interesting and went downhill for me.  I like the concept of a center town square.  A lot of old, little towns have them, but it wasn't compelling and went all over the place.

I like this one. The dark tone feels eerie and the images in my head looked like great visuals. You’ve used what as far as I know is an original theme. Also within this challenge I think a love interest of the kind you’ve included makes a lot of sense. There is a depth to your theme that combined with the visuals gives it an epic quality.

“NEFARESTU  I am Nosferatu. I am Nosferatu.” – The spelling issue here is confusing.

You have a character name followed by a page break.

Sorry, I wasn't really feeling this one. None of the dialogue was believable, the story was too jumpy and everyone accepted what was going on too quickly.

I don't understand why nobody believed the old man when he warned of the apocalypse, yet somehow everyone knew to get to the square once a few souls hit the air.

The problem with this one is that it had a sort of urban legend comes true feel to it, which works great with werewolves or vampires because everyone knows the backstory for those characters. The problem is though, you went with a completely original villian (a good choice) whose backstory nobody knows except you and the characters in the story (reminds me of my reaction to Shymalan's Lady in the Water).

The villian and Joe's attempt to break free of his insecurities are both interesting concepts, but both could be fleshed out. I suggest extending this to include more of Goyec's backstory and do a better job of having Joe convince the other characters (as well as the audience) that this invasion is something that could actually occur.

The visuals are great and you clearly know what you're trying to say, so I'd suggest going back and adding more of those details so that the audience can make more sense of this. Good luck!

It wasn't bad.  I thought it kind of dragged a bit in parts.  Some of the dialogue could probably be cut.  I think the basic premise is good and I thought your characters were ok but I think it still needs some work.  One thing I would do is show the flashback with the fountain earlier, maybe even at the beginning, where it sits now it seem clumsy.

I really liked your intro of the graveyard. I think that was really well done!

Here's some of the notes I made on the work as a whole:

How do we see the pond has blood in it when it's so black?

Nosferatu is apparently seen with light shining on his face, but he isn't properly introduced and we don't know what we're looking at. He turns into Nefarestu, but he says, "Nosferatu".

This here:

Joe is asleep while Nosferatu, his little brother Christopher (12) wears a mask, stands over him.

Is VERY awkward. Joe hasn't been introduced yet. Neither has Nosferatu. Christopher is introduced, but we don't know what mask he's wearing. It could be Fred Flinstone or the Joker. Also, the way this is written, it leads me to believe that Nosferatu IS Christopher who is 12 and wearing some kind of mask. (Maybe Nosferatu is a comic character I don't know about?)

As I read further, I discover it's correct that Nosferatu IS Christopher, but I was confused when I was reading it.

Why does Joe take the candy cauldron? I was imagining it to be one of those little plastic things; so it didn't make sense.

Some easy to fix typos were glaring in this and shows that it wasn't read over at least once.

I enjoyed the humor at the end! This was really good.

As far as fitting the young adult genre, I didn't think it quite hit it-- it felt more of a teenage genre.

I think you've got some good ideas here, it just needs the typical work. Something that is hard to get in a short work is the interior tension and that often involves a character struggle. To just have a town in danger isn't enough to sustain people's interest because it's so vague. It's always the individuals that we care about-- now a few that we get to know migtht be a representation of the town as a whole, but we need something that drives it home to us that these are real people.

This is one of the things that I felt the story lacked: Character work.

The way I see it, you would be better off loosing the generic seance scene at the beginning and focusing on Joe and Charlotte or incorporating the seance a little better into the storyline.

Sandra

This read like you had a whole wealth of ideas in your head but couldn't quite squeeze them all in.  Alot was happening, maybe a little too much for a 13 pager.  If you simplified this, even just a little, it would probably play out better - or you could expand this into a feature.

I like Joe's relationship with Charlotte.  All-in-all this definitely has potential.  It just needs to be fleshed out a little more.

Hi there,

This story was okay to a point.  There are more negatives than positives.  But with a little tender love and care, I'm sure this script could be fixed to run smoothly.

You're script does sound like it embodies Halloween, but the visuals are either poor or not quite right.  Story does shift from one end of the spectrum to another.  I'm trying to follow it and suddenly and off somewhere else.  Plus, it doesn't quite fit in with the challenge of this competition.

Aside from the flaws, errors etc...  There is a story in there.  Just needs a rewrite or two and I'm sure it'll turn out great.

All the best,


Javier

Sorry, I couldn't finish this one. I don't know why, but this OWC isn't my fancy this year! I don't know what's going on!

The main thing is, as everyone has said: You have too much stuff going on at once. I don't know who is who and why whatever is going on and what's attacking who which confuses me to the point where I can't continue reading.

Sean