Accidental Awakening by Kevin Revie - Comedy, Horror - On the way to bury her recently deceased pet, Jane accidentally awakens the dead of a small local cemetery now having to deal with the consequences. 61 pages - pdf, format

wow, just wow. I laughed my A** off at this script. Too funny. Zombies are the one thing that scares the cr** out of me, long story, but this script was gold. It was kind of short but that's okay. i can't really say anything bad about this script. There was nothing that stood out to me as something that could be fixed.

The whole, zombie baby thing was funny. And the ending made me burst into laughter (which is good since I am at work right now and there is nothing better to do).
Good stuff all around.

I especially loved the sayings because it's definitely stuff me any my friends would say like when Fred says, "Not to s*** on your face or anything..." fun fun.

-o

aha, thanks itmightbeorange!
i'm glad you found it funny, i really wasn't sure the reaction i'd get! i agree it's a short read, hopefully i can make it more feature length in future rewrites. but thanks again!

I liked this.  Several fun parts.  The image of the zombies first following her and her totally clueless of what to do is hysterical.  The ending is great.  I think her letting the zombies eat the cop was a little too much...kind of broke the natural funny if that makes any sense at all.  I don't know how to discribe it.
Awesome script though.

hey kev. cool script! i read the reviews so ripped through it. very funny. fred's bag of s and m gear made me laugh out loud! i'm writing a comedy at the moment and your script gave me a good sense of the flow needed. the only problem u might have is the inevitable comparison to 'shaun of the dead'.  was that an influence?
i have a time travel script called 'sent' in the sci-fi section if you'd like to check it out.
i gather u are from the states. where abouts? i was over there in 97 and did a three month road trip from los angels to new york.awesome!

thanks cazale, yeah her letting the zombies eat the cop was a little harsh and i understand how what you mean it is kind of unexpected of her character, i just liked the scene a lot! maybe, i'll find a way to give her more reason to kill the cop.

hey stevie, thanks for the read aswell, glad you enjoyed it! honestly, i've never even seen shaun of the dead, all i'm aware of is that its a spoof on zombie movies? i should get around to seeing it, i really like simon pegg but no i haven't seen it so it didn't influence my script at all, any comparison is pretty much coincidental! I hope it's not too similar though! and i gave your script 'sent' a read and just posted a review! aactually, i'm not from the states ahah, i live in canada!

One thing I've noticed is that your action lines could use some tightening. I try my best not to use the word "and" in the action lines. For example

"Jane and Fred load the lamb into the truck and then shut and lock the door."

Obviously "Jane and Fred" is fine, but "...into the truck and then shut and lock the door" is really long. You could say...

"Jane and Fred load the lamb into the truck. They shut then lock the door."

In my opinion it gives the reader a rhythm. You could really lock down your action lines by eliminating "and's".

Also, words ending in "ing" and "ly" could be eliminated. For example...

"Jane begins unlocking the back of the truck..." could be "Jane unlocks the back of the truck."

Each example is really, really small. But over 61 pages it really adds up.

Your dialogue is really good. That's where the humor is in this script! Kudos!

thanks for that home grown comedy, those examples are going to help in the future, i really need to stop writing my actions like a novel, it's a problem! haha but i agree fully with all your criticism and will put it towards my next script!

Kevin,


This was a really fun read. Like I told you before when I started reading it, I was glad to see a fresh idea for why someone goes to a cemetery and zombies arrive: burying your pet.

Since this was obviously for fun, I won't go too into depth about what's wrong with your script. I do want to point out that there are a lot of spelling mistakes (sorry, that's a pet peeve of mine), but other than that, nothing really worth mentioning because I don't want to bring the script down.

Though, one thing that bothered me, there wasn't really any closure to the script. The cult disappeared after Fred finished looking through the cult book. But you were able to fix it up with the whole "put the zombies in the zoo" so it's all good, kind of. I'd just like to know what happened to the cult.

The last line was perfect, especially now in 2009 when the FML website is very popular these days, people will get a laugh out of that.

Awesome dude, great job.

Sean

thanks sean,
i'm glad ya liked the concept! i've never even really thought about adding closure to the cult, but it's a good idea. i know my scripts hardly pushing the length for a feature, so i could definitely add quite a bit! this is the first thing ive ever done involving zombies, i've never been a fan but i wanted to try it out! so good things coming from you is quite a compliment! thanks for the read

decent little zom-com you've written. pace is good and the dialogue is natural. it does have the same tenor as 'shaun of the dead' as someone mentioned, however it lacks the love interest (shaun of the dead is really a zom-rom-com).

if you're planning to extend it to a feature, that's where i'd start if i were you. the female lead is just begging for a love interest.

anyway, nice job. had a good time reading it. i'm sure it was even more fun to write.

thanks personnumber123864, i still have not seen shaun of the dead, it might be a good idea i avoid it until im completely done with this script! i never really considered a love interest for jane but that could definitely be interesting! you've got some good suggestions, i'll definitely consider them for the rewrite! thanks again for the read!

Hey Kev
Thought I’d check this out as it sounds like it’s right up my street.

If the snake ate Zoe, what was on the ground covered with flies?  A snake takes a while to digest food doesn’t it?

Should instable man be an unstable man?  I dunno really.

You need to introduce Richard better.

When you have a few paragraphs in a row all starting with ‘Jane does this...’and ‘Jane does this...’  I’d replace some with ‘She does this...’ and ‘Jane does that...’, just to stop the repetition becoming boring.  Bottom of page 7, top of page 8 you have 5 paragraphs all starting like this.

Jane is nicely introduced and I already find her an interesting character.  She’s a down to earth woman and comes across pretty funny.   The incident in the cemetery is nicely done and I love the way she’s not entirely sure what she done and the consequences of her actions.

I love the Zombies, they come across as being really funny and when they attack Bob and ignore Jane, like sheep or something.  Her reaction is quality.

Jane unlocks the truck and the Policewoman gets ready but you never said she entered the truck, you just say Jane shuts her in.  I found this a bit confusing.

Fred and Jane’s phone conversation tickled me.

Fred calls Jane a ‘dumb b****’ which is a bit harsh and doesn’t seem to fit.  I do love the next scene though when she tries to push him down the stairs.

This is nuts but extremely funny, Fred bashing in Gerald’s head had me in stitches.

How does someone throw a baby cautiously down the stairs?

Jane seems a little slow to realise what’s going on at the zoo.

This was excellent Kev but it ended too soon for my liking, I was really getting into it and didn’t want it to end.  It’s funny throughout and I don’t really have any negatives to mention...other than it been too short lol.  Brilliant stuff mate, this definitely deserves more reads.

Lastly, have you ever seen ‘Braindead’ Kev, by Peter Jackson (yes that Peter Jackson).  Your script reminds me of it quite a bit.  The humour is similar and the zombies actions too.  Also there’s a really funny zombie baby in it, you should watch it if you haven’t already, it’s absolutely crazy but very funny to boot.

Hey I just have a few things to say. I love it, first of all. I'm not done with it yet, but making my way through it. I've noticed a few typos in the first ten pages. Nothing major.

Another thing I noticed was you start a lot of your paragraphs with Jane. There's nothing wrong with that, but I think you could also use she or her (depending on the context.) Otherwise I like it so far. When she brings Zoe out for the first time and she is dead, I like the blunt-ness you add to it. It made my mouth drop with surprise

hey, thanks for the read guys!

alffy, you've got some great suggestions, thanks for finding those all! i definitely described that wrong with the snake haha, i'm suprised that slipped by, i realize it does not make sense, i'll have to re-word that part! but yeah, i've definitely got to extend this one, there is so much i could add and i love this story so its not a hassle to go back and continue working on it! i've never seen braindead or heard of it but i'll check that out! thanks again for taking the time with this one!

bangston_15, thanks for the read, hopefully you continue to like it! a lot of people are mentioning my sentences starting with the character so i'll go back and change that for sure!