The Rose, The Butterfly & The Dolphin by Matias Caruso (Mr. Z) - Short, Neo-noir - For love, Clarice will have to give a part of herself. Literally. 6 pages

Second Place - Moviepoet September 2008 Contest - pdf, format

Well that was nicely done Z. I really didn't have any issues with it.  So many of those reverse ones were difficult to read but I got this on the first go.  The only thing I would suggest (and it is so minor) is get rid of the emphasis on He because it's not needed.  Otherwise good stuff.  

Thanks Michael, glad you liked it man.

And point taken about the emphasis.

Only second place? You're slipping, Z

This was nicely told and I really like the Memento-style storytelling you used here. It did take a little while to spot but once I saw what you were doing the rest read really easy. Again, your visuals are top notch, maybe a bit flowery in the opening scene - but I dig it.

One thing I didn't get was why Ivy waited so long for cappin' Lloyd's A**?

Anyway, exellent read.


Cheers
Rob

Hey Z, I have to second Sniper's comments 'only second place'. This was great, I loved it and have nothing else to say. I've got nothing negative at all. It flowed seemlessly despite being backwards and the story was strong. Great stuff.

Hey Z. This script is awesome! I can really visualise it.

Just wondering, do you think of the story, write it in a normal fashion, then craft it backwards? Or did you think of writing it backwards from the very start?

This script is great. All your scripts are great. I'm green with envy.

Agree with the person above, It does my head in just trying to figure out how on earth you would write this or come up with the story and sort out a plot structure.

Not only is the story clear, not only is it back wards but it also has a clear begening middle and end.  what I mean is that the end is a perfect resolution of what you set up in the begining and yet it is all backwards- Urhg! My head is caving in just thinking about it.    

Quoted from Sniper Only second place? You're slipping, Z

Man, those bribes are killing me, I’m running out of money.

Quoted from Sniper One thing I didn't get was why Ivy waited so long for cappin' Lloyd's A**?

It’s a good question.

I guess you already guessed the real reason: if she did Lloyd right away, the scene would end right after it starts (i.e. there would be no scene).

The reason I came up to hide the real reason is: Ivy was testing Clarice. She wanted to see if Clarice would remain loyal in such an extreme situation. Once she sees that Clarice won’t talk, she decides to take chances for her as well.

In an early draft Clarice asks Ivy “What the hell took you so long?” and Ivy replies something like “Wanted to know if you’d cover my A** before saving yours”.

Later I decided this exchange was overkill (and needed to chop down stuff to meet the page count). Perhaps I should put it back?

Alffy: thanks for the read, I appreciate it.

Tommy & tonka: This was written for an online challenge and the rules stated that the story should be told backwards. So I had the reverse chronology in mind from the very start.

This is the only script I wrote in reverse so I’m not an expert by any means, but IMHO, the trick is to make sure that the story moves forwards dramatically (new information, twists and turns), despite the fact that it’s moving backwards chronologically.

Hope that made sense.

Thanks again.

Wow, that's all I can say. Firstly, I am a great fan of neo-noir, and that was one of the main reasons I gave this script a read. Now onto the way the story unfolded... I've always been a fan of reverse-chronoligical scripts and films. 2 of my favourite films use this tool- 'Memento', and the fantastic, but controversial French film 'Irreversible'- If you haven't seen 'Irreversible', I recommend checking it out. But be warned- it has 2 of the most shocking scenes I've seen (including a 9 minute rape scene - but don't be put of by this, it is still an excellent, and powerful film). But back onto your script. I honestly couldn't see much to change... I loved how the story developed, loved the twists, I loved the script in general.

Only thing I would change would be:

                                        MR. LYNX
                         Lloyd’s going with you. I wanna
                         know who’s been not teaching her
                         piano lessons.

The "who's been not" part doesn't flow too well... it sounds a bit odd. I would simply change around the word order, so it says "who's not been".

But yeah, this was a fantastic script. It was concise, and you got a lot of information across. Congratulations, this was very well written. I will look out for more scripts from you.

- Toby.

EDIT: I just realised you wrote "The Black Rose Garden", which also impressed me. I read the feed I left you on that, and once again realised that I couldn't see anything to improve on... You are constitently a fantastic writer. Well done. And now I will jump off your d-i-c-k

Not to come as an a**hole but in my opinion this isn't a script worth of a seconds place. Somehow i knew you would take it, you always do, and that's a good thing but this script wasn't for second place.

The story is good, but for 5 pages it has a little too much. Expanded this script would f$%^&ng great.

I read this one over at MP, i had to read it twice all the script and three times the ending to get a better idea.

Maybe is just me though Z, so please don't be pissed off.

I read the scripts at MP in trying to find something to direct, your script is among the ones i chose. But i guess a longer version would be better. Hope you do it.

Cheers

Quoted from Toby_E If you haven't seen 'Irreversible', I recommend checking it out

I’ve seen it and liked it. The premise was decent, but the execution was pretty cool.

Quoted from Toby_E would simply change around the word order, so it says "who's not been".

That sounds better. Thanks for the advice and for taking a look at this one.

Quoted from NiK Maybe is just me though Z, so please don't be pissed off.

Ha! Don’t worry, man. You’re just being honest and I appreciate that. Thanks for reading and voicing your opinion.

This is an excellent short. I fully understand why this got optioned.

I really like the telling of the story. It kept my interest all the way through with no dull spots. This is simply a boss-hiring-hitmen-to-kill-his-cheating-wife story, but you made it so unpredictable with every scene. I was trying to guess what has happened before in the story the entire time. The telling is very clear and I was not confused even with the backward time warp. It reminds me of Memento and that's a good thing here.

The characters and their dialogue are believable. Each of them has their distinct voice. No character is guilty of doing dull exposition. You are good at giving the reader what we required to know at that instant and no more.

The writing is very visual and clear. I really like the line "Three black figures outlined against the crimson twilight sky: One kneeling. One aiming a gun. One watching."

A brilliant job here!

I tracked and it's good, but I'm left without the rest of it, incomplete...cause I have the rose, I know how that works, and in the end I know what else is to be taken. After the last line, my mind went right back to the opening scene and I'm like, huh? Going back to the intro, I'm thinking that maybe Ivy lets on to Dex that she killed Clarice. With the ending, going back to the beginning, Ivy will get instructions from Dex (who may or may not figure out what is going) about the obtaining the other elements, or, when Dex mentions the Butterfly and the Dolphin, Ivy will give her position away, because Ivy knows what those elements are, but she does not know that Dex will give her instructions. However, it could have been that Ivy was anticipating something else, so she's letting on the Clarice is dead, either way, Dex will say, then bring me the other elements, dead or alive. Long way around to explaining why I'm left wondering.

Hey Mr. Z

I can't believe I haven't read this. Very good. As Sniper commented on, it reminded me alot of Memento. One question though:

SPOILERS!

at the end, does Mr. Lynx know about Ivy and Clarice.? I got the sense of that by the last scene. Let me know if I'm right.

Gabe