The Maze by Jakob Hooks (horrormoviejake666) - Short, Horror - A killer places an ad on four peopes TV's. They are flipping through channels when i goes to static. Then a voice advertising a new "club" is heard. When all four go to the club, the door locks behind them. This is the beginning of a huge maze. If they take more than one wrong turn,the die. Then, a video of them dying is projected onto the walls. The last person alive can take as many wrong turns as they need, but they're being hunted by the killer.  15 pages - doc, format

Tommy's Maze by Jakob Hooks (horrormoviejake666) - Short, Horror - Four strangers are trapped in a maze where there next mistake could kill them. 13 pages - doc, format

Jacob--and a lot of other people-- you have to work on your log line/synopsis/tagline when you post a script here.  You have one or two lines to convince people to read your script.  You have to make it count.

The synopsis to a script does not have to be a literal summary of a script.  The spirit of the script, especially a short, is all you need.

Four people are tricked into a maze by a sadistic killer where their next mistake could be their last.

Oh, and the link doesn't work.

Phil

Thanks for the tip. This is my first attempt at writing a script, so Ill keep it i mind next time. What do you think of the actual story?

Well, your script needs work, which is very common with the beginners.  The important thing, here, is that you shouldn't be discouraged by what I (or anyone else) has to say.

Your formatting needs a lot of work.  Fortunately, that's the easiest thing to learn in screenwriting.  Read some scripts, here, and see how it's done.  There's no one definitive way to format, but you should be somewhere in the ballpark.

Your script consisted of five characters that desperately need to be better developed.  Right after reading your script, I couldn't recall any of their names or anything about them.  You have to develop characters so people care about them.  If I don't care about the characters, I won't care what happens to them.

Your story needs to be fleshed out.  What you have here is is shotgun story that is over before it begins.  A killer tricks four people into his maze so he could kill them off.  What was his motivation for doing this?  What was the four's motivation for showing?

The biggest problem I had with the story is that the killer wasn't giving them a chance.  It was a blind maze.  You could just as easily have the killer kill them by missing coin tosses.  With the Saw movies, Jigsaw gave his victims puzzles to solve; that was interesting.  You rooted for his victims as you tried solving the puzzles.  In this case, the viewers have nothing to really think about.  We're watching what's going on but it's not affecting us.

Your dialog seemed very artificial and forced.  The characters were very on-the-nose when they spoke, telling us, the viewers, exactly what we needed to know.  People don't talk like this in real life.  They banter.  They pause.  They speak using poor grammar.

Some people don't like it when I 'bash' the new people here.  This is not my intention and I apologize for it.

I strongly recommend that you read some scripts here and pay attention to the characters' personalities and how they interact with each other.


Phil

Okay mate, Phil basically nailed what needed work. He damn near took the words out of my mouth.

Firstly, learn how to format scripts... Your format is way off. But Phil already told you that.

Now onto the actual story, which Phil once again nailed. What are the killer's motives? Why the hell did he do this? In Saw, Jigsaw wants to see how important people's lives are, and what lengths people will go to to save their own life.

Once again, as Phil said, the characters were very one dimensional... they all sounded the same as well. Give your characters their own distinct voice. Make them different. Make them more memorable. And also the dialogue seemed stiff, and very un-natural (especially Angela's voice-over)... It made it unenjoyable to read.

And the end... it actually made me laugh. Probably not the right reaction you want from a reader. Why the hell does Jarmello take a nap? If I had to out-run a killer to save my life, the adrenaline would be pumping full speed, and I would do everything in my right mind to escape. I certainly wouldn't take a nap. And why the hell does the killer start chewing on someone's arm? That's corny man.

Overall, this does need some work, as at the moment the script screams 'amateur'. One of the biggest problems I had with it was the format. If you sort that out, and make it look, and read like a professional screenplay, then it would have been leasier, and more enjoyable to read. Next, you need to make the story better. Create a back-story to why the killer is playing this game. Use some time to introduce us to the four main characters, maybe a montage to highlight their differences in their everyday life. Or maybe showing us why they are being targeted by this guy. And then finally, work on character and dialogue... create character profiles/ biographies (write details about your characters down- full name, family info, info about their upbringing, where they live, what they do for a job etc.) if you are having problems fleshing out your characters. And for working on dialogue... watch some films. Read some scripts. Take notes of how the script-writer makes dialogue sound. You will see that it sounds natural, flows better, and isn't 'on the nose'.

Overall, the script does need some work. At the moment, it seemed like an amateur version of Saw. You don't bring us anything new... You are always going to get Saw comparisons (due to the topic of the script), so you need to bring us something new, or make it very entertaining.

Cheers, Toby.

alright. thanks for the feedback. i agree that it needs work, but i wasn' treally sure what needed to be changed.

Read some scripts before you post your revised script.  They may inspire you to make additional changes.


Phil

Quoted Text Well, your script needs work, which is very common with the beginners.  The important thing, here, is that you shouldn't be discouraged by what I (or anyone else) has to say. Your formatting needs a lot of work.  Fortunately, that's the easiest thing to learn in screenwriting.  Read some scripts, here, and see how it's done.  There's no one definitive way to format, but you should be somewhere in the ballpark. Your script consisted of five characters that desperately need to be better developed.  Right after reading your script, I couldn't recall any of their names or anything about them.  You have to develop characters so people care about them.  If I don't care about the characters, I won't care what happens to them. Your story needs to be fleshed out.  What you have here is a shotgun story that is over before it begins.  A killer tricks four people into his maze so he could kill them off.  What was his motivation for doing this?  What was the four's motivation for showing? The biggest problem I had with the story is that the killer wasn't giving them a chance.  It was a blind maze.  You could just as easily have the killer kill them by missing coin tosses.  With the Saw movies, Jigsaw gave his victims puzzles to solve; that was interesting.  You rooted for his victims as you tried solving the puzzles.  In this case, the viewers have nothing to really think about.  We're watching what's going on but it's not affecting us. Your dialog seemed very artificial and forced.  The characters were very on-the-nose when they spoke, telling us, the viewers, exactly what we needed to know.  People don't talk like this in real life.  They banter.  They pause.  They speak using poor grammar. Some people don't like it when I 'bash' the new people here.  This is not my intention and I apologize for it. I strongly recommend that you read some scripts here and pay attention to the characters' personalities and how they interact with each other.

I cut and paste my review from The Maze here because it's the exact same script, with the exception the killer's unbelieveable cut and paste origin that you slapped in at the end.

Read and review some scripts; you've read one and simply wrote that you liked it.  Go back and read what other people wrote.  See how other people review a script and whether or not you agree with them.

And learn formatting.


Phil

Dude, what the hell is the point of posting a script up for feedback, if you don't take the feedback? Me and Phil gave you some very insightful feedback, and points to improve last time you posted the script. Go back, read what we said and make the changes.