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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  A Few Hours Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 25th, 2008, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Few Hours by Rajesh Bhardwaj - Action - Don Rickles is a convicted murderer who just has a few hours before he is executed. He then comes across Hauser a newspaper reporter who comes to interview one last time. Through this interview Don realizes about the crimes he has done and the people he has hurt.  16 pages - pdf, format


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Lightfoot
Posted: December 1st, 2008, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Don't type like your in third person mode. such as we see, we hear etc etc

In the first line of action you already state that Don Rickles is not showing his face so you can cut "whose face we've not seen yet"

Same for the prison gaurd bit, you can cut the " who we have not yet seen" without losing the effect because you describe his features in the next scene.

Just a thought, but maybe it will be better to begin the memory seen directly after Don gets punched by Hayes.

"Her eyes
tell us that she loved her daughter very much and now her
world has come tumbling down since her daughter died."

Can change this to something shorter, sum up what you want to say. like.  Her eyes expressing pain and sorrow. You don't need to mention the daughter here because you do that soon after in dialogue

Now about him murdering his father? did he get away with that or what, cause i doubt the military will let anyone with a serious criminal record in.

also that line that Hauser says about Don's son, i think you should change it  cause i don't think any reporter would say that

I find it strange how open Don is to Hausen . specially when he talks about his dream. Makes me think that Don isn't a evil cold blooded murdered, seems like just an average guy that's been framed.

The ending is confusing, perhaps placing some time lapses there will clear things up?  Also im guessing that Hauser was a pigment of Don's imagination? Which wouldn't make sense seeing how he gives off no signs that he might be insane.
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