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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  180 - Filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    180 - Filmed  (currently 15419 views)
Don
Posted: November 25th, 2008, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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180 by Mike Shelton - Shot, Comedy - When Dennis gets dumped, he's got absolutely nothing to lose and decides to lay it all on the line, with shocking results. 9 pages - pdf, format


180
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 6th, 2009, 10:51am
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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 26th, 2008, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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"Uh, lip gloss."

That "You'll smear my make up" line reminds me of the above line from Mean Girls, except Regina's more of a bitch.

Is Dennis gay? He calls the girl "sister". It's such a gay thing to say.

It's a cute short. It feels like it lacks something. I'm not sure what though.
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sniper
Posted: November 26th, 2008, 3:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Clever title, turning the tables. Wow, Paris - I mean Chastity - is such a cunt! Some good laughs here, "Real dogs poop. Peanuts doesn’t", "You think fine art is Disney on Ice", but I didn't think his rant was nowhere near being as vicious as it could've been (hey, the cunt deserved it, man). In fact, it wasn't really Dennis who nailed Chastity, it was Waitress and that was a bit unfulfilling.

But solid anyway.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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tonkatough
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An exchange of witty dialouge between two characters at a table where ever you find a table. That is like- so Shelton.

This is the fourth time I have enconuted this in your scripts.

It's like your tag item. You know like how Tarintino uses women's naked feet or that one shot in every QT movie of character open up car boot.

Perfect dialouge but we already know that. Telling Paris Hilton to take a hike is ho-hum. Paris does a good enough job of humilating herself, (Paris have a cry and sook when band kick her off stage at her own Birthday party, Paris go to jail) that your script of a prentend Paris Hilton having a 180 break up with average Joe just pale in comparison.    

But the one thing that I got a hoot out of was the Waitress named Waitress. Awesome idea and I'd rather read a script about her.



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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 26th, 2008, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike

Good story here, amusing & sharp in places. Am I the only one here that loved Chastity & her cold, uber bitchy attitude? It was very entertaining to read.

The Waitress's name being Waitress was a nice touch.

The fact that Dennis & Chastity were ever a couple seems implausible given the tone of the exchanges, they were real nasty to each other.

I'll like the closing line too, gave a nice upbeat open endedness too it.

Maybe a scene showing Chastity break down & freaking out at her date could make for a funny conclusion. She leaves the restaurant without a care in the world when informed what Waitress & Dennis had (apparently) being up to, kinda looks like she's won this round.

But as I said I'm her biggest fan so I'm glad she put on the brave exterior. I suppose we'll never know if Dennis doing the dirt on her really bothered her. Unless a rewrite is in the pipeline.

Good job.

Col.


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Shelton
Posted: November 26th, 2008, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for checking it out, everyone.


Quoted from ABennettWriter
"Uh, lip gloss."

That "You'll smear my make up" line reminds me of the above line from Mean Girls, except Regina's more of a bitch.


Haven't seen that one yet.


Quoted from ABennettWriter
Is Dennis gay? He calls the girl "sister". It's such a gay thing to say.


Nope, not gay.  Well, there was this one time in college when he got really bombed on hashish and thought he might be, but ultimately he was just hungry for a Whopper.


Quoted from ABennettWriter
It's a cute short. It feels like it lacks something. I'm not sure what though.


Thanks.  If you figure it out, let me know.


Quoted from Sniper
...but I didn't think his rant was nowhere near being as vicious as it could've been (hey, the cunt deserved it, man).


Yeah, I can see where you're coming from here, and actually gave serious thought to going that way.  Ultimately, I decided to keep things a little cleaner, and in the process added in the waitress angle at the end.  I'm still kinda freewheeling things, most likely not having recovered from my other recent script.


Quoted from tonkatough
An exchange of witty dialouge between two characters at a table where ever you find a table. That is like- so Shelton.

This is the fourth time I have enconuted this in your scripts.


There are probably more like it.  It's just what I do.


Quoted from tonkatough
But the one thing that I got a hoot out of was the Waitress named Waitress. Awesome idea and I'd rather read a script about her.


Was there something about the character you liked, other than the name?  The reason I ask is because the information would prove useful for a rom-com feature I'm working on here and there.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
The fact that Dennis & Chastity were ever a couple seems implausible given the tone of the exchanges, they were real nasty to each other.


Yeah, it was a slight dilemma I faced.  Ultimately, I wanted to establish up front that Chastity has always been an ass while Dennis was a schlub, but after Chastity breaks up with him, he lets it fly and gets nasty.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Maybe a scene showing Chastity break down & freaking out at her date could make for a funny conclusion. She leaves the restaurant without a care in the world when informed what Waitress & Dennis had (apparently) being up to, kinda looks like she's won this round.

But as I said I'm her biggest fan so I'm glad she put on the brave exterior. I suppose we'll never know if Dennis doing the dirt on her really bothered her. Unless a rewrite is in the pipeline.


It's statements like these that turn these scripts into features.

I'm not entirely sure on a rewrite.  My main goal with this was to keep it all incredibly simple and easygoing with the minimal characters, one location, and excessive dialogue.  If I were to rewrite it, I'd probably blow it out to 25 pages.  I have a bad habit of doing that.

Thanks again, everybody.



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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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NiK
Posted: November 26th, 2008, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mike,

Great dialogue, I loved the Paris Hilton lines, very funny. Your writing is damn great and which makes the script an enjoyment to read.

Anyway, I think the story needs more, not sure on what but that's my feeling after finishing the script.

It's been a long time since you posted shorts here .

Cheers



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tonkatough
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Quoted from shelton
Was there something about the character you liked, other than the name?  The reason I ask is because the information would prove useful for a rom-com feature I'm working on here and there.  




The reason she had so much appeal was because she was down to earth and simple like her name, plus the contrast of her against Chrissy makes Waitress all the more likable.

So if you want to use Waitress and have her appealing, slide in a hideous Paris Hilton type abomination beside her so reader will have nasty character to compare to nice.

It's hard to explain but I'm sure you get the idea and hope this helps.    


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Shelton
Posted: November 26th, 2008, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Nik,

Yeah, it's been awhile since I posted a short.  Was kind of caught up writing a lot of other things.  Thanks for taking a look at the script, and if you happen to think of what might be missing let me know.

Tonka,

Thanks.  I know what you're saying.  Something along those lines is what I plan on doing, and should fit in nicely.


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Quoted from Shelton
Hey Nik,
and if you happen to think of what might be missing let me know.



Personally i was expecting more. I would say it was too simple, but not sure if that's the right word to use in this case. I think it needs Dennis to do something more, or his ex-girlfriend. But i like the including of the waitress.  



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Shelton
Posted: November 26th, 2008, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Mike,
Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but I hold you to a higher standard....  


It's not what I wanted to hear!  I'm the great and powerful Shelton, and I expect nothing but glowing praise for each and every one of my scripts, even if I go so far as to submit 8 pages of nothing but Qs!

Anyway, in all seriousness, this being good and not great is no different than how I view myself as a writer.  Good, but not great.  All the extra stuff is just lucky bullshit.

Glad you were able to take something away from it.


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horrormoviejake666
Posted: November 27th, 2008, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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pretty good. i know i'd watch it!
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Toby_E
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Okay mate, I really enjoyed this. Really great writing. Dialogue flowed perfectly, you have a talent for that... which you already know. The line about Paris Hilton making a sexy time on camera actually made me laugh-out-loud... which rarely happens to me when I'm reading a script. So congratulations on that.

I also loved how different Chastity and Waitress were... made for a nice juxtaposition.

No onto a few things I didn't like... I'm going to try and not repeat what others said, but I totally agree with the whole Dennis/ Chastity relationship. It seemed unbelievable that some-one like Chasity would be a couple. Chastity seems to be very unhappy with the situation, as is Dennis, so I doubt it would have lasted.

I personally didn't like how Waitress' name was in fact her profession... it was a bit corny mate. At that point it went from a quirky, realistic rom-com, to a unrealistic piece. It kind of lost some of its quirkiness, and 'magic' for me then.

Also, I would have filled Dennis' rant with a bit more poisen... hell, his girlfriend is a complete bit-ch to him, constantly dissing him and putting him down, then she sets up another date for the same day she is breaking up with him. I know if I was in his position, there would have been a lot more anger, and more personal, heavy-hitting insults. Okay, I know you were going for the softer, rom-com approach, but I still think that Dennis would have been a bit more irate.

Overall, I really enjoyed this script. It was well written, and very entertaining. It flowed well, and I was able to read through it in no time. Congrats. If you did another re-write, I wouldn't add anything too much... The scene at the end with Chastity breaking down, which Colkurtz suggested would be a nice addition to the script, but apart from that, I wouldn't add anything else. Fill Dennis' rant with a bit more poisen, maybe give Dennis a few features which would make Chastity be with him (Maybe make him rich? Give him big muscles, or have flashy cars, house etc.), and maybe think about changing Waitress' name, and then this script would be pretty damn perfect.

Cheers, Toby.


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jayrex
Posted: November 27th, 2008, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mike,

Like the title, liked the script.  Your script grew on me as I read it.  I felt Dennis' rant was fine.  Even though it looked like Dennis was about to up the rant a level, Waitress jumping in upped it a few more.  Just the kiss alone is bound to stir Chastity's thoughts.

The one thing I didn't like was the name Waitress.  It sounded like your Bizarre Bazaar mind was creeping in.  The mattress joke was humorous, so that eased the Waitress name.

It'll be cheap to film, bonus.

If you want to add the degree symbol.  Press the 'alt' button and then the number pad buttons 504.  180°

If you want ways to extend it, you could possibly have Dennis lay everything that Chastity has bought him on the table for Chastity to collect.  Dennis can follow up with demanding his 'property' back like any jewellery he may have bought her.  Just a thought, something a mate of mine use to do back home.

All the best,


Javier


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Shelton
Posted: November 28th, 2008, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for checking it out.

I've gotten a few comments on the believability of Dennis and Chastity's relationship, but it doesn't really seem to be all that off to me.  I think I established that she was the dominant one going in, but after she dumps him he just doesn't care and decides to tell her like it is.

Adding a bit more poison to it could be easily done, as well as another scene if I wanted to show Chastity break down later, but the latter would definitely add length as well as a new location and characters, with only a minimal payoff in my opinion.

Oh well, as is the case with any script, something more can be done with it.


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