Helping Hands by Cameron Mitchell (cam17) - Short - An old farmer, still reeling from the loss of wife, tries his best to meet new friends. 14 pages - pdf, format

SPOILERS!!

Hey Cameron

Good piece of writing here. It was well paced with nothing given away too early & unfolded brilliantly, full of sinister intrigue.

However I was let down by Roy's motivations, an unemployment cheque? It just seemed a tad stupid & unjustified. Surely there is a review system where the recipient has to turn up & explain they are lookin' for a job etc. I mean how much money would Roy get out of each eperson. Definitely not enough to warrant killing someone (not that killing someone has a price but you know what I'm saying)

For a man we presume was happily married for years to resort this is baffling but I also found myself compelled by him, a very enigmatic character you have here. Packin' heat & cyanide at 73!! rock on, Roy.

Page 6 -

NICK FIGGINS appears to be in his early to mid-twenties. He
also looks to be able-bodied and literate.

Struck me as strange that you would describe someone as being "literate" looking.

That aside, the dialogue was top notch & the formatting spot on. I would like to read some other stuff of yours if you have it on here.

If you get the time, check out what I've done I'd like to get your opinions.

Cheers

Col.

Hi Cam,

I was very put off by the fact that your log line deceived me into thinking I was in for a sentimental story about loss and grieving after a lifetime of marriage, and learning to go on in spite of it all.  Your screenplay even started out as such, then BLAM!  I was sour from that point on.  If I had gone into it in the proper frame of mind, I may have enjoyed it for what it was, rather than being annoyed for having the rug pulled out from under me.  You don't have to give it all away in the log line, but you should at least be fair and hint that there's some sinister, or at least mysterious, aspect to this story.  Or even just indicate that it is a horror short.  It's like having a log line that promises a zombie-slaying extravaganza, then after one zombie gets killed on the first page, it becomes a mushy love story.

That aside, I did find the piece to be very well written.  I thought you set it up well with showing the killing of John, then running through the beginning of the scheme with Nick.  I thought the twist of Nick getting wise was great, and made even better by the twist with the water.  The only thing I thought could be a little off there is that Nick might seem like he's overreacting just a tad.  Maybe if we saw him react to feeling the gun, rather than having him tell us in dialogue.  Then, perhaps, as he's reaching for the bale of hay, he sees blood splatter on the wall and puts it together.  Just Roy carrying a gun doesn't quite seem to justify Nick leaping to the conclusion that he's going to use it to murder him.  A tiny bit more set up will help this pay off better.

The only other technical element that I wondered about was dumping the bodies in the well.  Wouldn't that just stink things up and poison the water?  I'd imagine that a farmer would have much better ways to dispose of bodies cleanly.

Format/Mechanical Notes:
Pg. 5: "It is an old..."  should probably be "He is an old..."
Pg. 6: "pops" should be "Pops" - capitalize when used in place of a proper name.
Pg. 7: "I'll take your word for it."  - Funny!
Pg. 15: Extra blank page

Good job, but be more up-front with us next time!  

-RayB

So I was just sitting back and reading along and reading along, enjoying a nice quiet tale about a poor farmer talking very melodramatically to a newly hired hand about life and the way things are going now.  I like it so far. It's nice and peaceful and makes me feel that things in life are going to get better

HOLY f***!  HIS FOREHEAD JUST GOT BLOWN OPEN!

I got to admit...  I LOVED IT!  I didn't see that one coming from a mile away.  I love how a story has the ability to shock you out of a certain state of mind, and you definately did that here, Cameron.

Overall, the story was very well written, minus the few, very few, typo's here and there.  After finding out Roy's true side, I was hooked into the story and it kept my attention the whole nine yards.

The only thing I felt might have been a little cheesy is when Nick gets poisoned and when he falls, Roy says "Yeah, that would be the poison I put in your water. My own special blend of cyanide, arsenic and some secret ingredients. I’ll never tell."  It was a very good twist with the poison, I just didn't like the dialogue from Roy.  It came off really campy and maybe a little too on the nose for me.  Even just taking that whole line out and going straight to Roy saying "See, I’m always afraid that I’ll lose the nerve to shoot a man in the back of his head." would work very well in that spot.

Very good piece of work you've got here, Cameron.  It's definately something to be proud of.

- Mark

Thanks for the comments and critiques.  They are appreciated.  I wrote this in a couple of hours after I saw a similar story on one of those Forensic Files shows.  An old farmer in Missouri actually did this(except he buried his victims in the barn).

I deliberately kept the logline vague because I didn't want to give the farmer's real intentions away. Sorry if that put off some of you.

Next script, I'll try and get all those typos.

***SPOILERS***

I must echo Mark's sentiments above. I was completely taken by surprise with the murder. In my opinion the logline should state more clearly what the story is about, though I understand if you wanted to get a reaction like ours to your audience. For a story like this one, however, a more exciting logline could benefit the story. I guess you'll have to weight that out in your mind.

Loved the twist at the end. Just when you think old Roy is finished, he surprises you with his backup plan. The ending was brutal and shocking. Very dark.

Technical stuff: you don't need to say that Nick "appears to be in his early to mid-twenties". Characters need to be defined clearly. I also wondered about his backstory, why would an able-bodied, literate twenty-something be in a homeless shelter?

What are "prime slices" of chicken?

Great job on the language, too. Roy definitely sounded like an old farmer.

Well done, great story.

This was a really well told story. As soon as 'The Gunshot' happened, one thing was certain, I was going to finish this script and find out what the hell was going on.

The shock twist really worked for me. I really wasn't in the mood for a sentimental tale of woe, so I was pleased it took the turn it did. I understand what RayB's saying though, the logline really should set the scene. I would work on it a little more in order to have a logline that doesn't give anything away but also doesn't cheat a potential reader/viewer. He isn't trying to find new friends is he? Apart from the first scene, he seemed completely over his wife too. No biggie, but I figure others could react the same way as Ray to that.

My only real problems with the story were;

Roy seems to kill these people for a pretty messed up reason. I say, make it a hobby for him - just a psycho - or give him a proper reason. As it is, his motiviation is a little lacking.

The scene where Nick stops Roy shooting him seemed a little false. It just seemed a bit too Steven Seagal you know? Now, everyone loves Seagal but I think you could work on the believability of that scene. I did really like the rest of his death scene though.

Really enjoyable script mate, will keep an eye out for more from you.

Ste