Twins by Matthew Nsubuga (majorgeneral316) - Short, Sci Fi - Alex and Alexa are twins who can manipute ice and water. But they are turned away from their parents and left to fend for themselves in the real world. 16 pages - pdf, format

Heya hows it goin man?
First up i'd like to say that you have a nice little script here with alot of potential...
There's just a few things that ruin it for me.
(Don't take this harshly cause i really did enjoy it)
Okay, typos and grammar mistakes... nothing big, but enough to annoy whoevers reading this thing. I won't mention any cause i'm way to tired but do a quick read over and fix it up.
Some of the characters and scenes didn't sit right with me - this may be just an opinion so don't think to hard into this. But Alexa's dad after pretty much telling her she wasn't welcome got very into helping her very fast. Also, when Alexa morphs into water to get off the bus... I think people with these 'gifts' are more or less secretive - especially people who are ashamed of what they can do (Alexa or Alex).
The way you've expressed their powers is pretty cool - but on film could come out very cheezy... we all know how bad "Batman and Robin" was with Mr Freeze. This could be solved by having the bad guys slowly turn blue and drop dead, again probably cheezy but it could be done right.
You had a couple of lines that I loved eg (a weak man will wait for oppurtunities; a strong man will make them) is just gold.
Anyways, hope this was helpful,
muchlove, Jayden

Thanks for reading. I know grammer has been my biggest writing problem. On your other points though Alexa's dad helping her was ment to show how he wanted to make amends for leaving them. He saw his daughter in need i flt it had to help her. Alexa using her power in the open was only done because of the serious predicament her brother was in. She was being a hero. I know how bad batman and robin was but Alex's power of free is more like the guy from x -men who is cool. This story is just a part of a whole screenplay i am creating of a team of superheroes. Thanks for  reading.

I rewrote this a little bit a few months ago and would appreciate any feedback, I don't mind exchanging scripts.

Thanks

MG  

I saw your note on The Well exchange. It links straight to the PDF. You'd be better to edit it to link to this page.

Please bear in mind these comments are meant to be constructive, I realise they may come across as a bit harsh.

I doubt you need all that "This screenplay is..." stuff on your title page. All that goes without saying. "Copyright" and maybe that fancy little 'c' in a circle is plenty.

On the opening page - "It�s DARK. We�re in an alleyway" is unncessary. You've said all that in your slugline.
There were quite a few typos and grammatical errors. Everybody makes the odd one but there's too many here. They'll put most people off.

You should lose the Continues on every page.
The character descriptions were a bit sketchy to say the least. The two leads got a little intro while the other characters just appeared.
There's some good phrasing here and there. And then there's some weird ones "Keys rustle"? You lost me with that one. I'm guessing you also speak another language. This one also threw me - "A girl muffles inside."
"His face is TENSED and SCREWED." This would have been far more effective in present tense, maybe different wording.
Page 8. Marlene says "DAD". Who's Marlene?
On the whole the script is very dialogue heavy. There's a bit too much referencing to relations. "I'm your sister", "I�m Alex your son." Once is plenty. Twins rarely mention the fact that they're twins to each other.
The dialogue in parts was good but its needs tailoring.

Story wise I can see the potential. I quite enjoyed it on the whole.

Thanks for the review, I'll have a look at one of your shorts (do you have a preference).

Thanks for the criticisms, I wrote this when I first started writing which was last year. I had a lot of problems with tensing but I've got over that now.

Marlene as you know was just a schoolboy era. The words like "muffles" and "rustle"are English terms, well I'm from London and they are used here. I'm looking to rewrite it so I just wanted to know what worked and what didn't and your reviews helped.

There is a bit too much dialogue in places which need cutting down and the typo's need correcting.

I happy you enjoyed the story.

MG

Matthew, I lived in Ealing for two long years. I can assure you - keys don't rustle and girls don't muffle. At least, not without some special introduction.
"Attachment" is the only script I have on here at the mo.
Good luck with the rewrite.