Ed . by Jayden Creighton - Short - A struggling actor competes with his inner demons the night of his 'big break'. 4 pages - pdf, format

written during a bad case of insomnia,
my first crack at a psychological umm - thriller i guess you could call it.
tell me what youse think..
cheers, muchlove, jayden

Spoilers!

Jayden Creighton

Not a bad job, very dark, I liked it. The whole bad conscious controlling the mind is used to good effect here tho not the most original concept, you handled it well.

The taking ones own life ending is again not very innovative but how else do you get rid of the bugger. I liked the repetition of the "What if they laugh?" it sorta summed up  Ed's paranoia & insecurities which brought this inner demon upon him (that was my spin on it anyway)

Very good job for a four pager, man. I loved the closing line too.

Well done.

Col.

cheers for the read and review man
'a seven backed up by a two' is loading now, i will read and review haha
and your spin on it was what i was going for, so thats reassuring haha
thanks again,
muchlove, jayden

Hey Jayden,

The "What if they cheer?"-line was brilliant. I think you managed "a guy talking to himself" rather well. It was surprisingly effective and I felt that your script had both a beginning, a middle and an end (which is pretty good for a 4 pager). I thought the way you set the scene up with the mirror was quite clever and it worked in portraying the duality of the scene and Ed...it was almost like the old Walt Disney cartoons with the devil and angle sitting on each shoulder. Effective.

Okay, I think you should try and write around the words "US" and "WE", they're not needed and it doesn't look good. Also, your first two paragraphs are somewhat blocky to look at. I think it would help if you break them up - say, have no more than 2-3 lines per paragraph. I know, it's nickpick - but it works.


Cheers
Rob

Thanks Sniper, a much appreciated review ..
I will definately take what you've told me into consideration - taking out the us' and we's as they are not needed.
And I agree with the blocky paragraphing towards the top of the script, I will work on that in a draft to come - if all goes to plan I shall be trying to shoot this one.
Muchlove, Jayden

Hey Jayden,

Awesome script. Really enjoyed this one, so congratulations. I've always been a fan of scripts, and films dealing with insanity, and pyschological aspects of the human nature (as I study pyschology), and I think that you dealt with the subject matter pretty well. The idea of the story wasn't a new one, but I felt that you gave a good spin on it. It at least felt fresh.

The script was short, and 'sweet' (if you like), and I don't really have much else to say, as Sniper took the words out of my mouth; break the first blocks of description up and replace "Ed again turns to face us" with something along the lines of "Ed turns away from the mirror". That would work fine, as we originally start looking at his reflection. Also, try not to capitalise full chunks of dialogue... An exclamation mark at the end of it is sufficient.

All in all, this was a very well written little short. Not much to change at all, bar a few formatting issues, which really aren't a problem if you are going to film this yourself.

So congratulations, and good luck with the filming!

Toby

Hello Jayden and welcome to the boards,

Just read you're script and thought it was good.  Great little piece you have there.  Well thought out and the balance of the conversation was excellent.  Made for two distinct personalities.

The last line was great.  Really tied this all up.

All the best,


Javier

Hey Jayden,

I thought it was decent.  Although I'm going to disagree with what some other people have said about there being a beginning, a middle, and an end.  I don't actually feel that there was much of an ending.

Yes, I did like the final line "What if they cheer?".  That was really good, but then there's nothing.  There's no resolution as to what Ed does.  He's just standing on a chair and then that's the end.

"What if they cheer?" is a great transition into looking at the opposite side of things for Ed, something that might mess with his head even more and I think you might be able to have some fun, well, maybe fun isn't the right word, but you can get some good ideas from that.

Like I said, it wasn't too bad, it's just I think there should be a little more closure to stories.  Remember, this is your story.  If you were leaving it up for the reader to decide what happens from there, that's plain old laziness at just not wanting to think of what happens next.  That's just hurrying up with a copout ending, then sending it off to Don to post and then waiting for the accolades to come in.

Lol.  I just reread that paragraph and I didn't mean for it to come off so harsh.  Like I said, it was good and powerful for a four pager, I just think a little resolution would do the story a world of good.

-  Mark

thanks very much for the reviews,
they are much appreciated.
i will be reading some of yours later tonight when i have a chance (i have to go to a school assembly thing soon) so please don't think i'm taking reviews but not giving.
okay, so again, i'm glad youse found the two personalities effective cause its probably the most dialogue driven of my scripts - and Toby that is a good suggestion of the "Ed turns away from the mirror", i plan to use something along those lines in the second draft if you don't mind.
Mark, I know what your saying with it looking like laziness, but i didn't intend for that to happen. I was trying to create a small element of suspence and leave the audience questioning whether Ed jumps or continues to live with his 'disorder'..
thanks alot guys,
muchlove, Jayden

Insanity is not an easy topic to write, thought I think it might be reaching a bit to call this a piece about insanity.  Either way, it was an enjoyable read and it had a lot packed into a few pages.

Being me, of course, I have found something to criticize.  I would change Ed's voiceover, or inner voice, to something besides ED (V.O.)--BTW, you did that incorrectly--to ED'S SUBCONCONSCOUS, or INNER VOICE.  It would just make an easier read if you gave the two personnas different names.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey Jayden

I read this yesterday but didn't manage to post my thoughts.

First of all i liked the character you picked for the double personality. It's the right character. Also the location is good find even though it comes with the finding of the character.

The dialogue was very good, and i loved the last line of the script. Guess that having insomnia is rewarding sometimes hehehe.

While i was reading, I couldn't help but think of Gollum the character in the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy, it reminded me of the scene where he looks at his reflection in the water.

Once again i really enjoyed this one.

Best

Thanks guys, once again I appreciate the reviews.
Nik, I'm glad you enjoyed it. The Lord Of The Rings is not a favourite movie of mine but when I watched it I did quite enjoy the Gollum character, so I take that as a compliment haha. I'm also VERY glad that you found the character and the setting to be right for the story - i was inspired a little by Tim Burton's Sweeny Todd, though this will probably become clearer when I film it.
Phil, your critisism is also appreciated and in a way I agree with you. During a rewrite I will definately take your advice into account by giving Ed's subconscious a name.  (I'm all for trying to make an easier read... with no budget, my actors have to be able to cruise through the script cause I'm not paying them haha)
Thanks again,
muchlove, Jayden

Hey jayden, first script of yours I've read...I think. I liked it! I've only glanced at other comments so there may be repeats. One thing I did see that I agree with is the Sweeny Todd inspiration. I could definately see the comparison.

I thought you had the two different voices very well defined and a lot of the dialogue was actually pretty haunting. I really wanted to know more about this 'Ed' guy...what happened "last time?".

I see you're making this yourself, so good on ya for that. One suggestion, as far as sound goes, don't know how difficult or costly it would be. Differing crowd noises in the background could work with this. Very subtle, almost inaudible, but that could be a nice score for this piece.

Really did like it mate, good stuff.

Ste

arguing with self is gold,
Imaginery friend stories are a treat.
I think the last line of dialouge is neat
How the "voice" turns the conversation around to save his own life.  
much,love Tonkatough