Sweet Dreams by Matthew Voss - Short - A youngboy whose dreams become reality must alter his present to determine his future. 5 pages - pdf, format

Hi Matt,

This is well written (maybe too much so in spots), and moves the reader quickly and clearly through the story.  The problem for me is that the main premise of this story is much too subtle.  I read your log line, then read the script, and didn’t get it.  A boy goes to sleep, has a dream, then wakes up and picks a different toy to play with.  I didn’t get it and went back to the log line.  That’s when I realized that it wasn’t a dream sequence, but a flash forward, yes?  We were seeing his future based on the toy he was choosing.  I would never have gotten this just from reading the screenplay, and it was really only because I had marked it as a formatting mistake that you left off “Dream Sequence” that I eventually figured out (maybe) what you were going for.

For this to work you have to find a way to get this across to an audience who hasn’t had the benefit of your log line.  It would really look like nothing meaningful happened in this story otherwise.  I have no idea how you can accomplish this without it appearing to be just a dream, but for it to have any impact we have to know we’re seeing his actual future.

As I mentioned at the start, the writing is great.  Just be careful you don’t get too flowery, this can turn off a lot of screenplay readers.  For example, the “because she’s mom/he’s the kid” exchange is cute, but maybe too cute.  Also, bits like “nonetheless...it’s bedtime” which is followed by dialogue saying, “It’s bedtime” could be shaved off, making it crisper.  I also think that you can delete page 1 entirely and start at the top of page 2.  All the information on that first page is distracting and doesn’t contribute to the story – you really threw me with the missing pet posters, I was expecting that to factor in somehow.

Format/Mechanical Notes:
General: Get rid of all the “CUT TO:”s, the scene heading indicates that we’re cutting to a new scene, so this is unneeded in a spec script.
General: Put a space before and after the dash in the scene heading (EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT).
General: CAPPING action words and such in description (FLICKER, BLINKING) is distracting.
Pg. 1: “FADE IN” should be “FADE IN:” (colon)
Pg. 1: “night time lights” – You establish that it’s night in the scene heading, so just “lights”
Pg. 2: “is playing” should be “plays”
Pg. 2: “is tucking” should be “tucks”
Pg. 2: “that we are so familiar with” – maybe not everyone, you don’t know what this means to your readers (especially the chicks).
Pg. 2: “Night, mom.” Should be “Night, Mom.”
Pg. 3: You need to work out the character names.  You’ve got JOHNNY at 10 and as a teen.  This means 2 different actors, which means you need to distinguish this by using different names.  Either JOHNNY and TEEN JOHNNY, or YOUNG JOHNNY and JOHNNY, or something along these lines.  Don’t intro teen Johnny as DRIVER, use the name you’ve selected for him instead.
Pg. 3: “The driver of the Viper GUZZLES...” should be “The VIPER DRIVER guzzles...” (need to cap his first appearance on screen using the name you give him for dialogue)
Pg. 3: gonna’ and ya’ shouldn’t have an apostrophe at the end since it isn’t replacing any letters.
Pg. 5: “knowledgably” sounds very awkward here.  Maybe, “expertly,” or “deftly,” or no adverb.
Pg. 5: “FADE OUT” should be “FADE OUT.” (period, and to the right)

Nice work.  Good luck!

rjbelair has made some very excellent points and the page by page tips he gave you are spot on, so I'd definately pay attention to what he has to say.

Even the logline was a little bit confusing here.  Even reading the logline, I read the story and still thought it was a dream sequence.  I didn't know it was the future.  I thought that however Johnny plays with his toys is what he dreams about.  A little bit of clarification on this, stressing the fact that this is his future, will help with the story.

One issue I am going to have to disagree on with rjbelair though are the 'flowery' words.  I had no problem with it.  I think it clearly defines your style as a writer.  I'm sure a lot of other people are going to have a problem with the 'cutesy' wording you use, but I think that's what separates writers from other writers.  Otherwise, everything we'd write would just be so mechanical that there'd be no style.  Every script would be 'article, subject, verb'  -  space  -  line of dialogue  -  space  -  'article, subject, verb'  -  space  -  line of dialogue  -   and so on and so forth.  Being creative with action blocks, as long as they don't get in the way of the story, are what differentiates some writers from other writers.  Write what you feel gets the picture across to your writers and how you want to do it.

Anyhow, I don't know if you've posted any other scripts, but this wasn't too bad at all.  Like rjbelair had said, get the point across to your audience, us readers, that this isn't a dream sequence, but Johnny's future.  The idea was pretty good.  A little bit of work and this won't be a bad short at all.

And I do like your writing.

- Mark

Hello Matthew,

I have to side with the others.  Without reading the logline first and reading it after.  I never thought the flash-forward?  Was your idea.  I thought it was a dream like everyone else.  The going to sleep and waking up.

I think you can shorten some of your sentences and get rid of the 'we' words.

Some lines had me baffled as to why you wrote them, like:

She turns to go but continues with the final word because she’s mom.

&

The DRIVER is a tow-headed teenager who bears a striking resemblance to young Johnny.

Is this 'mom' in your story your mom?  And the second line to me is, it either is or it isn't.  And it was very apparent that it was Johnny.  Now, if this was a detective/crime/thriller.  I can see you using this lingo which I recommend not using as it's confusing.

You do have some colourful writing and like Mark says, I agree.  Keep it in.

Page one is a non-starter, get rid of it.  And even though the ending leads me to believe the kid will play out another story somewhere else.  I think you should drop it and end with a toy police car in Johnny's bed.  The reason why he imagines his mom as the copper?

A nice story and with a few adjustments can end up being a really good piece.

I'd be interested in reading your response.

All the best,


Javier

rjbelair pretty much has this review covered so i don't really have much else to say
i liked the idea, and i really enjoyed your writing ... its just a matter of conveying it to your audience a little better
you kept me reading and entertained though, and being so tired right now thats a good effort haha
muchlove, Jayden

Matthew

The night time lights of Suburbia, USA twinkle in houses and
buildings along tree-filled "winding" streets below us. We
FLOAT closer...

I am not American but lived there for a few months & I know this is nit picking BUT isn't the most recognizable feature of American suburbia, the regimented grid system structure of criss cross streets .

Anybody buying into the concept of the American dream, 2.4 kids, pet dog, SUV etc isn't goin to take kindly to twisting, windy streets where their beloved child just learning to ride his/her tricycle is obscured around a bend from an oncoming car.

Anyway with that little rant aside, your story:

Funny, I have just read on & already we have a SUV & a pet, so that part is on the money.

A "missing alligator", ha.

Is the women that sticks up the flyer Johnny's Mom?? because it isn't mentioned again.

"because she’s mom"---"Johnny huffs because he’s the kid" I found this a funny little quip.

What does "tow headed" mean? I've never heard that expression before.

"She kisses him on the forehead as he grimaces because he’s a
boy."--- what a strange thing to say.

"a church bus filled with wide-eyed kids". at nightime???, then I suppose this is a dream sequence.

All in all this was a sweet little story I'm just not sure what the point of it was. It was nicely written with some funny turns of phrase as I highlighted above.

Not a bad job.

Cheers

Col.

I just wanted to thank those of you who left messages and some good fixes. Good points.

I am still in Iraq and still trying to write when I have the time.

Thanks again

Matthew

rj pretty much hit all the points. I'd refrain from using 'because' in the description - you're telling;not showing. rj also mentioned the capitalization - I get what you are doing (I presume). You want a close up on the action. Like a close up on the power shifting. That would be considered directing, and Directors don't usually appreciate it when the writer tries to force their hand (you have to be sneakier about it). I'd stick to just capitalizing the sounds. For example: All eyes turn as a shiny red Corvette slowly RUMBLES past. Or: MUSIC blares from oversized woofers.

It's a cute story and I liked it. I got  that he was looking into the future, that it was a premonition of sorts. I would have liked a bit more consequences for his actions. Perhaps instead of just being surrounded by the cops and they pull him out of the cap, have him hit a telephone pole or mail box before getting dragged out. Then, in the morning he can see the damage on his toy before he throws it away. That would be in line with the logline a bit more since the "dreams become reality"