Quarantine by Miles Trahan - Short - In the aftermath of a devastating attack on our nation's soil, two quarantine officers cross lines into unsafe territory, and are left to face whatever horrors may befall them on their very own. 5 pages - pdf, format

I thought this was a good.  It was a smal, but complete, chapter of a larger story.   I did think that it could be tightened up a bit.  You wrote this as a shooting script, as opposed to a spec script.  It was wordier than it should've been.

If you eliminate the unnecessary descriptions--tighten everything up--you could probably shorten this script by half a page.

Examples of this would be:

Almost at once, we’re being lulled into something of a comfort zone. A BEAT
passes, then: a pair of QUARANTINE OFFICERS--let’s call one BILL, the other MAC--both dressed in full garb (oxygen masks, body armor, the whole nine) ENTER FRAME, leisurely pushing one shopping cart a piece.

could be shortened to:

Two men, BILL and MAC, push shopping carts along the isle.  Both wear HAZMAT SUITS, completely enveloping them.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hi Miles,

Interesting script.  Not bad.  Could be quicker to read.

I would leave out the camera directions as this is for the director and scene numbers, and the slug number.

If text shows on the sreen use SUPER:

And keep your paragraphs to four/five lines.

I'm not sure if you've commented on other peoples scripts.  I would suggest you have a look around the boards, read and comment on scripts.  And read other peoples comments.  You'll pick up some valuable tips.

All feedback is welcomed.

Overall, a good script with good dialogue.

All the best,


Javier

Lol.  Anybody else get the feeling Bert's going to be shaking his head when he reads through this thread next time he gets a chance?


[Bert's Edit:  Indeed, he did haha.  Deleted a bunch, but this was worth preserving -- and is always a consideration when offereing reviews to "mystery authors" who either have not yet noticed the review boards, or elect not to participate:]


If that doesn't bring Miles out of the woodwork, nothing will.  If he does respond to this, though, I'll gladly right another comment and post what I REALLY thought about 'Quarantine'.  Even if he responds to ANY of the other four scripts he posted this week.

This begins well, but seems to lose its way around page 3.  I expected some sort of twist at the end, like maybe the zombie was a family member of one of the officers.  The ending was very abrupt and failed to make any real point to the story.  

The zombie genre has really been dredged the last few years, so its hard to come up with something totally fresh.  Instead of the raw carnage we usually see with these stories, I was hoping that you were going to make it more personal.  As I said, what if the zombie was a friend or loved one and one of the officers wants to shoot it and the other doesn't.  Just a suggestion.

I would also suggest cutting down on the descriptive sentences(and the BEATS) and making your paragraphs of text a bit smaller(no more than 3 or 4 sentences)

Huh, a Zombie type script!

Nice back and forth dialog, but otherwise there really isn't much to comment on.  You expect the zombie to get it in the end.  Still, good effort.  A nice slice of zombie at the end of the world life.

Dethan