Neon by Travis DeStein - Short - An old man speaks to his love in the twilight of life. Third place winner in the Movie Poet contest for November. - pdf, format

Thanks a lot for posting this, Don.

travis

Great job here, very powerful. You incorporated the "element" motif brilliantly. The final sequence is a real tear jerker but in a good non-maudlin way of course. It would make for a wonderful climax on screen & a great chance (if you were directing it yourself) to get some cool visuals goin'.

The dialogue & description were spot on, not overdone in any way. It read very naturally.

Yeah, this was fantastic, brother, from start to finish & as a five pager its definitely a bit special. You fit so much in here.

Well worthy of your 3rd place finish I assume. Excellent work, man.

Cheers.

Col.

Wow, thanks a ton for the great review, colonel. Glad you liked it so much.

I blame Colkurtz for making me read this one. He gave it such a big wrap I couldn't pass it up.

Man oh man that last shot right at the end gave me goose bumps. Amazing.

And how everything lead up that one extraordinary shot at the end was excellent.

This was perfect. Just perfect.  

I don't remember paying either of you guys for such good reviews. XD

Thanks a lot.

Hello Travis,

Well done on coming third.

I thought you have a good interesting script.  I'm I correct in thinking that from the very first hospital scene.  Edgar has agreed to turn off the life support equipment for Maddy?

I haven't read many scripts where it's just the sole character's dialogue mainly throughout.  I liked it.

The only thing I didn't feel was quite right was the last scene.  It looks like you wrote it to have five full pages.  I feel the story would have ended nicely from when Edgar Leaves.

Overall, it was a quick & easy read.  Good job.

All the best,


Javier

Quoted from jayrex I'm I correct in thinking that from the very first hospital scene.  Edgar has agreed to turn off the life support equipment for Maddy?

That's right. A lot of the people in the contest didn't notice that so I re-wrote it a little bit to make it clearer. I definitely think it'd be interesting to give the script a whole different vibe by changing the ending the way you mentioned. It'd definitely be one helluva depressing story, though.

Thanks for the review.

Hey Travis,

I didn't read this one at MP last month. I only read two...
To be honest the whole assignment was dull to me.

I'm glad you placed with this one. I thought it was VERY well written and kept my interest. I don't have a whole lot to say about it except, I think it was weird that no one, not even Edgar held her hand or hugged her as she died. The few times I've seen people died (in a hospital) I have held their hand if there were no one else there and I didn't even know these people.

Other than that, great job. I would have voted Very Good on this one.

Btw, one of my girls is going to Travis AF base in May.
Pia  

Quoted from me I think it was weird that no one, not even Edgar held her hand or hugged her as she died. The few times I've seen people died (in a hospital) I have held their hand if there were no one else there and I didn't even know these people.

I can't believe I never thought of or noticed that. Definitely something that's missing from the story and I'll have to add it in. I suppose I'm fortunate to not have any experience seeing people die in a hospital, though.

Good luck to your girl, by the way.

Woah. That was pretty beautifully written...I actually welled up a tad reading that, VERY emotive stuff :|

Writing was solid, and reading that is what I would call a perfect short, amazing stuff. Obviously didnt see the competition, but it seems like a clear winner to me.

No criticism to make, which I have no place to give anyway - being your clearly a more advanced writer than I, but had to leave a note and say I enjoyed it very much!

Get it filmed man!

Wow. I felt more emotion in these five pages than I have in some 50 pagers. A perfect short. Awesome buildup. And your descriptions are short but fulfilling and to the point.

Only weird thing was, as has already been said, how Edgar didn't feel the need to hug her or hold her hand. Although, his reminiscence of the time they met was extremely emotional.

Nice work man. Perfect short.

Cool short and cool. I liked it. Good job Don. Hope to see more scripts from you.

Wow! I loved this. I actually wrote a short story once called 'Home' that was, in a way, similar to this - an old man with Alzheimer's breaks out of his nursing home on the day of anniversay, determined to get home to his wife, even though she'd died years before. It ends in a similar way to this, too.

I loved it. I echo the thoughts of others who want a hug from Edgar at the end, but that's easily done.

Great job!

What's up Trav,

I read this when it was first posted up, but I didn't know how to comment. I mean damn, this was damn near perfect, and I didn't want to post up until I had some sort of constructive feedback. This script was awesome, and I really wanted to suggest something to make it even more awesome. I still couldn't think of too much to change though mate.

I definitely agree with Pia's suggestion. Edgar should be making some sort of physical contact with Maddy. She is the love of his life, he should be holding her hand, man. I think it would be perfect if he was just holding her hand throughout the present-day part of the script. Then at the bottom of page four, Edgar can let go of her hand, and put his head in his hands. I think it would be a nice touch if before he lets go of her hand, he kisses it.

Apart from that, this was awesome. Totally beautiful; this was one of the best shorts I have ever read man. The dialogue was totally genuine, and very heartfelt; totally moving.

This was an amazing read man. Promise you will post more scripts here man, I will definitely look out for them.

Take care, Toby.