Caller Unknown by Cameron Mitchell (cam17) - Short - A 911 operator recieves the most shocking call of her life. 8 pages - pdf, format

Hello Cameron,

Interesting story.  I like the twist at the end.  I was trying to see the twist and thought it was a prank.

Some SPOILERS.

I think you could trim some description to make this run faster, especially on your first page.

I would get rid of the first paragraph as stations in call centers are usually identical.  The line 'on the monitor in front of her'.  Well this pretty much states the obvious.  Unless this monitor is behind her and she uses a mind probe, you don't need to tell us that it's in front of her.

I also think you should change the name of Caller to David once the person has been identified.

Overall it was a nice story.

All the best,


Javier

I also liked your story and the twist was very good.
Good luck in the future!

An enjoyable script to say the least!

As someone above said, it is a little bit over described in places. I would possibly have left a slight cliffhanger when Emily asks where the hit and run happened, to confirm the ghostly theory she (and the audience) have suddenly come to, but Karen hangs up before she tells her. But thats just something I can do.

There's no real criticism or thoughts I can give except to say its a great short!

that was a really good script with a great twist!

Cam

I flew through the first six pages of this which is something I would rarely do as usually I'd spot something & I try to stream my comments as I read. But this flowed so well & I was eager to find out the ending.

Around the middle when Emily was getting frustrated & looking at her own family I was really immersed in the story, well done.

However, And I hate using that word when commenting on someone elses hard work, but the ending was a huge let down for me.

Just a couple of things

Are we to surmise that Morton's was a store on that street 3 years previous & has since closed down?

If so, nice touch but it would have enhanced the twist at the end if Mark had made some reference to that particular shop being there before but he thought it had closed down, just a suggestion.

The response time for the cops seemed to be unbelievably quick, maybe an edit to indicate some time has passed.

EMILY
I’m sorry, Karen, I have to go.
Goodbye.

This is in relation to my earlier remark on the ending.

Given what we know of Emily's character this seems a very cold way to end a call on a clearly distressed woman, are we to think that she doesn't belive Karen?

Her clutching of the family photo as the end seemed a little odd if anything else. She doesn't persue the "caller unknown" its like she has just forgotten about him & only used the conversation (real or imaginary) as a reminder of how much she loves her family.

There was no closure or follow up here, they just seemed to forget about this rather distressing episode (both David & Karen's calls) and go about their business.

But as I said, a fantastic opening & mid section, the dialogue being the strongest part for me. It zipped along beautifully & flowed superbly.  

Thanks for the comments and criticisms, as always.

Just wanted to answer a couple of your question, colkurtz.

Yes, when the caller mentions the convenience store, I wanted to convey that it had been there at the time, three years ago.  That's why she can't find it when she does a search.  Sort of the first clue that there was something odd about the caller.

As for the cop's response, I believe I gave them enough time to make it out to the street, they just didn't know the exact address.  Once she found out about mile marker twelve, I just sort of implied that the cops were nearby, so they could make it to the spot quickly.  Since it's a short, it's one of those "suspension of disbelief" devices I had to use.

Emily's fairly quick goodbye to Karen was because she had another call coming in.  Also, she was in a bit of shock herself.  She doesn't forget about the caller, or his wife, it's just that the phantom call has stunned her and reminded her how much she loves her own family.  And she's so affected by the call that she has to turn the next incoming call over to another operator.

Sorry you found the ending frustrating.  But, since it was a short, I just didn't want to over-explain things at the end.

Thanks again for the comments.

Cam

Everything you've said echoes what I felt when I finished it but don't get me wrong this has huge potential & was a very engaging read.

Yeah, as you said, I was just a little frustrated by the ending but the last thing you want to do is leave nothing to the audience's imagination so I see your point in that respect.

wow you could have a lot fun directing this short. Murky low lighting,  a tense woman bathed in flickering light from monitor. Very creepy.

I loved it even if the end twist was predictable by the time man give his wife phone number and police could not find his postion.

I love simple creepy stuff like this.

It would be a bloody crime if this does not picked for production by someone. A bloody crime.  

Hey Cam.

This wasn't too bad at all.  It did have a very good beginning and a very good middle.  I was pretty involved in the story and couldn't wait to find out what was happening, although I do admit that it is a very predictable kind of ending, and was a bit of a let down for me, but I do think the story was well worth the read.

It seems I'm coming across alot of stories, filmed and unproduced, that have the 'Sixth Sense ending', I'm going to call it... where a main character ends up being a ghost.  It seems that whenever something 'weird' is going on, it's going to be a ghost.

I think a lot of the let down was that this story did seem, to me, a bit rushed while you were ending it.  Having Emily just hang up on Karen like that seemed very forced, especially since Emily just passed the call on anyway to Mark.  There was no reason to have her hang up on the strangest happening of her life.  I imagine in real life she'd try and talk to Karen about anybody that would try a prank like that.

Another part that didn't click with me was 'Morton's'.  Emily said that she knew Bancroft, so maybe find a way to convey between Emily and Mark that Morton's is closed, or torn down.  that would help with the story.

I think the only other gripe I had was the police's reaction time.  Only a couple sentences happen and all of a sudden, they're there.  I think putting in a little more dialogue between Emily and David would help with that, plus even build up the suspense a bit towards the ending.

Like I said, the beginning and middle were intriguing and suspenseful, but the ending is what still might need a little work if you plan on doing anymore with this story.  Otherwise, it was still a pretty good read.

- Mark