Abdiel by Ezekiel Kristek - Horror - A small town known as Willington is being tormented by two demons who reside outside of the town. They feed off of the children within it. Through the help of the children and the restoration of the town's own faith, an angel by the name of Abdiel will be able to once again restore the town's faith and hope, and keep guard over the parents' children. 83 pages - html, format

Hey all, I wrote this script on zhura.com I plan on entering it into some competitions and eventually hopefully having it optioned, so let me know what you think! Thanks!

Hey Zeke, I gave this a look. I am not familiar with Zhura, but it's a tough read for me with all the "other stuff" on the page...wish I could see this in a PDF.

I read all the comments over there and see that the Zhura crowd really likes your writing and this script in particular.

I only got to page 10, and I think that's where I'm going to stop.  I will give you a few comments though, as I see you want feedback for an upcoming contest.

For me, the first 10 pages didn't work very well, and definitely did not pull me in.  It is not visually written at all, and I'm having great difficulty getting a picture in my head of anything except Leviticus, because that's really the only thing you described.  You didn't give ages for any of your characters...you described many as "older", or "old".  You must be basing these words on your own opinion, and that probably is coming from your own age.  For instance, what does "old" or "older"mean to you?  Much, much easier to use an age, so there's no misunderstanding.

I have a feeling that your setting of the town and forest is supposed to be "fairytale-like"...or not just a normal American town...right?  I'm guessing because, again, you haven't really given any description for me to know.  I'm basing this on the fact that the script deals with demons, and comments that I read, but I can't get a picture in my head at all.

The names you've chosen sound very "normal" and don't seem to fit in such a tale.  Especially the demons (Tommy and Ray, was it?).  Doesn't sound right.  People had commented how they thought it read very Shakespearian, but with these common American names and dialogue, it doesn't read like that to me at all.

Your main character, Elijah is described as a "private investigator".  I don't understand this, as he seems to be a police officer or the like, based on the conversation with the mayor, and his general goings ons.  Maybe this comes up later, but if he's a PI, then someone has hired him and he has nothing to do with teh mayor or town gurad (cops).  His dialogue doesn't come across as being real at all, either.

Finally, you have numerous characters in the first 10 pages alone that don't have names (Mother, Father, Child...).  I saw some comments about this at Zhura, and I'll say it again...if you're going to have characters that have multiple lines of dialogue, give them names, especially when you're sure to have other "fathers, mothers, and children" in the script.

Well, obviously, from only reading 10 pages, I can't be too sure whether or not this is good, great, bad, or terrible, but from what I did read, I wasn't interested in reading more...could have been that it was written on that Zhura thing, which was tough for me...I'm not sure.

Hope this helps a bit though. Take care and best to ya!

Ouch, haha. Well, it's not at all supposed to be a fairytale, so maybe that changes the opinion you have on some things? Yeah, everyone on Zhura seems to appreciate it so it isn't that I disagree with most of the things you've pointed out, but I feel that they might be a matter of just not meeting your standards or preferences. Regardless, though, I'm going to take your opinions into consideration. The names, however, I don't see how you feel they are normal names? I wasn't going to a fairytale, I was aiming toward a more like 1800's setting with a small town area- picture something like Sleepy Hollow. The time period might not be the same, but the setting should feel like that- not a fairy tale at all, I hate fairy tales hahah. Thanks for the read, though. I'm going to go back and look at your comments and fix things up over on zhura. Oh, and with the dialog for people with more thank one or two lines, I thought I might have fixed that up already, maybe I missed a few. Take care, thanks for the suggestions and comments.

Thanks, Zeke, please recommend the site to your friends!

Oh, wait...nevermind.

I got frustrated. I took it down. Truce?

Sure, no problem.  

I just wanted you to know that all feedback here, good and/or bad, is designed to help the author, and that this site can really be a valuable resource.

Yeah, I think I just heavily agreed with the first comment here. Not to take a shot at anyone, I respect all opinions. It just gets frustrating when you think your getting close and things get picked out and feel like your taking steps back again. But I know the site is a good resource, no worries. Thanks for the understanding. Take care.

Did I miss something here?  What is the truce over? What was taken down?

Zeke, I didn't mean to come off as harsh...hope you didn't take anything I said the wrong way.

As for your comments, I sorta figured your setting would be somethign 1800's, and even Sleepy Hollowish, but because you didn't give any description at all, I had no way of knowing...or picturing where we were or what it looked like..ya know what I mean?

As for the names not sounding right, I think it was the Tommy and Ray thing.  Obviously I could be way off here, but to me, these names don't sound like they fit the setting at all.  Also, I read about the Samuel Jackson name, which I think you changed to Samuel (Smith? or somehting like that).  Either way, again, this doesn't come across as an "old" name of that time.

PS  You didn't reply to my questions, most importantly the one about teh characters ages, and your use of "old" and "older"...what age were you assuming for these characters?

Hey, it's all good, I've been having a long day, but I'm cooled off. Don't worry about anything haha. I see what you could mean with the description, I'll try to add something more in depth to give you that idea of knowing. The tommy and ray thing is what the children call them. I could probably change those names, but I just liked how they sounded with their poems that they were associated with haha. I changed the name to Samuel Lewis- Samuel was a very popular quaker type of name, and Smith wouldn't have worked haha, but I think Lewis is ok, not sure- you can give me your honest opinion on that. Also, I added in the ages. This was my first draft here, so I think I probably knew somewhere I needed to do that, but forgot. Thanks, sorry for any confusion. Everything's ok! haha

Forgot to mention: this script is also on final draft 6, but I don't think I am able to put it on here from that software. However, on Zhura, you are able to go under the file tab and download it as a pdf. Just tryin to make it more convenient for you!

Zeke, now you know how I felt when I was a member of Zhura. it's not that easy to take true criticism, now is it? These guys will let you know the truth, but it's only to wake us from our dreaming slumbers, to help us realize that what we've written are not always masterpieces.

It's like you said yourself. "It just gets frustrating when you think your getting close and things get picked out and feel like your taking steps back again."

Welcome to my world, Zeke.

Chad