But It Pours by Andy B - Short - A man's life takes an unexpected turn when he steals something during a routine trip to meet his girlfriend for dinner. 4 pages - pdf, format

Read it.

Not bad, the writing is good the story seems interesting not really a fan of it but i think it was funny.

What I would suggest is to add something more between Ian and her girlfriend. They way she walks out is just odd and overused to my opinion.

Logically Ian would try to call her girlfriend right? So why don't make him try to call her with his cellphone and somehow the cellphone is broken and then Ian could try a phone booth but he has no money. Just a suggestion.

The ending was very good and I really liked it.

Best

I liked the story up to the point where he kills the mugger by hurling the umbrella.  Realistically, I just don't think this is possible.  If you could come up with another way of taking out the mugger with an umbrella, it would work better.  Or maybe he accidentally kills the cop who is pursuing him with the umbrella.  Just an idea.

Andy

I think you should say that there is a flashback after the opening courtroom scene.

A rack of umbrellas at a newstand??

A lot of looking around on page 3. Ian should of bolted instead of looking at the policeman then the umbrella.

Some of our prose seems a liitle odd when read through, abrupt in places. for example:

"He checks his watch, puts up the umbrella and briskly walks"

"he looks down at the tip which has broken and not has a sharp, jagged edge"

Overall I dont think this story works or maybe its the way its told.

You need to build things up more. Have some patience, develop the characters, evrything happens to soon & appears rushed before we know what is going on.

This is the case for the bus scene, newstand scene & in particular the girlfrend who barely lets him get a word in before she disappears & he is walking down the street leading to the rather far fetched scene with the mugger.

The opener showing the trial with the story unfolding after is a nice touch but as I said patience & development are key here. Have a read of it again & see where you can beef it up therefore fleshing out a more complete, well rounded script.

Best of luck with this as I do see potential here.

Cheers.

Col.