Garbage Men by Jim Bennett (home grown comedy) - Comedy - After losing his job, a garbage man decides to run for mayor. 103 pages - html, format

finished it! trust me i'm a quick reader, but it was made easier by the snappy dialogue.

this is a very good, well-crafted script. i read some of the zhura comments. is a film

company looking at this? awesome, dude! the characters are all defined and get a

good share of the funny lines. i don't feel u need to tinker too much with this as u

might lose some spontaneity. maybe just some adjustments to the central storyline.

overall a top read and highly enjoyable. great stuff!

I started reading this Jim, but didn't finish it.  As a story, it seemed unfocussed and dragging.  As a comedy, I didn't think it was funny (comedy is subjective=SS mantra).  From what I read, it was unrealistic.

Why is it, when you described the characters, did you include their race?  Is it important to the story?  Does Cliff need to be white?  You actually spent more time picking out their races than you did describing the opening scene.  Is this story taking place in a small town or a major city?

When you introduced your first characters, you describe them inaccurately.  People (and other things) are supposed to be described in ways that the camera can film it.  How is the camera suppose to record that Cliff is the senior guy?  Kenny was recently promoted?  Or that Hector is the new guy and that he hangs on the back of the truck?  You introduce them as they eat lunch.

The introductory scene with the mayor was ridiculously unbelieveable...at best. The mayor is behind his desk and you have two people-whom the mayor has never met before--just stroll in and, within a minute, offer him a bribe.  That he accepts!

While you can allow a certain level of disbelief, you need to have a basic grasp of what you're talking about.  I got the impression that you are not as familiar with the workings of government as you might think.


Phil

Thank you both for your comments. I will take them seriously during my first rewrite.

Stevie - If you like this one, check out Cover Band! much more humor in that one.

Dogglebe - I appreciate your outlook. I wrote a longer scene with the mayor in the beginning, I was asked to rewrite it. I'm sure if you would read more of the script, you may enjoy it. As for the races in the descriptions, I was asked to add them by the people that asked me to write the story.

I do value both your opions greatly. thank you for giving this script a read. I shall return the favor!

no worries HGC i'll check out cover band