Pee Problem by Erenik Beqiri (nik) - Short - Who thought a kid's pee would be a problem? 2 pages! - pdf, format

Nik, you need F**king help.....


Phil

Nik,

I'm shocked.

I really don't know what to say.

The ending I never saw coming.  The story was unusual and I hazard to say any improvements on the Linda storyline as the ending is, well, shocking.

All the best,


Javier

Hey Nic,

Pretty creepy.  I'm sure I've heard this story before or maybe I read this script once before.  I remember it slightly differently with the mother saying something to the little boy that she was going to cut it off and the little girl overhears and decides to help on her own.  Might have been an urban legend I read.

One problem with it is I don't see how you'd ever get it produced anywhere other than Europe though.

Well... Not much here. This came off as pretty tasteless to me. I predicted the ending. I don't really know what to say. I didn't like it.

~Zack~

Yeah, and just when slicing a ear or gouging out a eye was becoming a bore, you come along with your cinematic genuis and push the edge that little bit further.

But the question is, where do we go from here?    

Have to agree with Zack. I saw it coming as soon as the girl got told off for letting it happen. The nastiness of the two women gave it away.

It came across as very crass and tasteless because there is no moral message in there. It's just gore at the expense of a kid.

Ie there's nothing in there that is darkly comedic, like a message to watch your words as things can be misconstrued.

Hate to seem like I just jump on the bandwagon here, but this didn't really work for me.

Was it the subject matter? The ending? No... I just didn't like any of the characters. The mother was about as likable as an overflowing porta-potty. The young girl didn't speak her age. She did not sound like a five year old at all.

The ending just didn't help at all.

I'm sorry NIK. I know you can do better. In fact I think you can make this one way better by just reworking the characters.

It's not that the young girl doing what she thinks might work that is wrong. It's everything else. Mostly unpleasant characters.

Sorry.  

Well, hi there...

Thanks to all of you who took the liberty to read the script. Mixed reaction, actually I knew it wouldn't been liked but well i gave it a try. So thanks again to all of you.

The story came to my mind one day when i saw a mom slapping her son very hard. And it came to me about an urban legend story or something...

Anyway to cut it short, thanks to all you who liked it and you other who didn't, I really appreciate it.

Thanks

What's up Nik,

Okay read this one, and I actually enjoyed it. Might be my f****d up European taste in films (haha), but I did like this one. It was very short, so there wasn't much in the way of character development, or development in story, but for what it was, I thought it was pretty good.

It does need a bit of a re-write though. I noticed quite a few typos, and a few things that didn't sound too right (probably because English isn't your first language). As I said in the PM I sent you, I would be happy to correct these for you.

Also, I think the characters need to be re-written a little bit... I would have both children be a bit younger. If Dino is 3, then he would have a bit more control over his pee-ing, and he would also be able to talk. His actions and behaviour seem more of a 1 or 2 year old. Also, if Tammy was a bit younger, I think it would work better as she could be seen as a little confused girl who doesn't understand the consequences of her actions, but just wants to make her mother happy. Also, I would make the mother a bit less of a bit-ch. I don't know any mother who would be so rude, or out of order to her kid.

But yeah, overall I did enjoy this one Nik. Take it easy, and good luck on the future re-writes!

Cheers, Toby.

Hey Toby,

Thanks man. I think that changing the age of the characters might be good. The biatch mother was the mother i saw slapping her son. You should have seen it.

I'm not really a fan of my script as i told you, i just connected the event that i saw with the urban legend.

As i said i knew people wouldn't like it and that's okay with me. I had fun writing it that's the important thing for me...

Again thanks bro.

best

NiK, I thought I'd reply to your pm here.  While I stand by what I said earlier, I should elaborate a little.

There doesn't seem to be a story here.  Or any real characterization (I know this is hard with a two page story).  It's as if you wanted to write the ending scene and then slapped the story onto it.  Everything else is secondary to the ending

It's kind of like starting a band and composing songs because you had a certain album cover idea in your head.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe It's kind of like starting a band and composing songs because you had a certain album cover idea in your head.

Probably, anyway i wanted to keep it short just like the urban legend, i didn't wanna make an exploration to the characters or add something to the story. Just wanted to tell that urban legend.

Anyway it was fun to write it .

Uhhh, well, lol.

I can't try to hide any dissapointment i have. But this WAS tasteless. There was no moral in this whatsoever.

However i dont that means this cant be reworked. I think there are a lot of possibilities in fixing it. Reworking the characters i think would be a major improvement.

Yeah the mother is a complete c*nt, but i think having realism in there would help. Show her stressed out in different situations and having to deal with this kid just another icing in her hell raised cake.

Then have the older sis come in thinking shes helping but obs too young to realize the full extent of her action(when it comes to the snipping).

Those are really just AFEW ideas of what you could really do. Many roads to choose.

Bryan

Hey Nik

Sorry man, gotta really just echo what everyone else has said really. There isn't really enough to any of the characters to make you feel anything for them.

For me, if you made Tammy likeable and just really trying to help her Mom out by taking care of her baby brother then this would work better. You could have her trying all sorts of things to stop him peeing, then finally she spots some scissors on a bench. Next scene, the Mom's getting home and just sees Tammy standing with the bloody scissors.

I think Tammy should be slightly older but Dino's probably OK as a three year old, although if he's anything like my nephew he would knock Tammy out haha.