Dr Morag's Helical Dreams by Alex Nakone - Short - Dr Morag has developed a clone of himself  for spare organs to treat his  incurable condition .He has just had a  kidney transplant from his clone but not all goes according to plan.   12 pages - pdf, format

I am a writer /film maker from Australia . This script is my proposed next project. I have posted it on simply scripts hopefully to get some feedback . Any comments are most appreciated.

Cheers!

Hey Alex,

I'm Michael. I'm from Australia too.  

Usually on SS you need to give a few reviews to get some reviews.  There's lots of people here that want feedback and you might even learn something in the process.

I gave your script a once over.  The formatting was a bit off from what I am used to but since you are filming it yourself that doesn't really matter.

The story wasn't bad.  I think it could use a bit more uumph.  Like I think the start is a bit slow. You want to catch our interest right away.   Maybe start on the desert with the doc and the IV.

Also, I know the kid is fascinated with the clone but I would like to see a bit more of his fascination.  Perhaps he knows some things about it that are precocious.  

I think the doctor would be able to tell family about the heart transplant.

I liked the dream stuff but I think some of the dialogue came off as maudlin. You might want to tone them down a bit.

And that's about all I can come up with.  I'm feeling a bit tired right now.  If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.  

Thanks Michael.

Great feedback. I  am new to  SS  so thanks for the tips about reviews . I would be interested to know why  the formatting was a bit off.
Like the idea about starting in the desert with doc and the IV line.

Alex

Alex

You gave my "Rid Of Guilt" a look so its the code of ethics here to reply.

Nice intro, I liked the "God created Adam" imagery.

I don't know what version of Adobe reader you are working off but I can't copy & paste passages from your script as reference so I'll include a few words so you know what I'm talking about as I'm too lazy to write the whole sentance

Page 1 - "frame of reference"

As I'm sure you know about giving camera cues, direction etc is a no no unless you are planning on directing it yourself as Cornetto said above its said that you refrain from referring to it as much as possible.

Personally I'm not too bothered by it, but the one undeniable advantage by leaving it out is that you have more room to include your action & dialogue.

Page 2 "moves out" -- strange way to describe leaving the room, sounds like an army term.

"seal" -- sill

You say "another attractive nurse" where was the first one?

The "nurse turning to Mr Morag" in parenthesis is unnecessary.

page 3 " No need to have Morags son in parenthesis

Page 5 - Again at the top of the page, you will be penalized for over description.

The desert scene was a nice touch, reminded me of a similar dream sequence in "Papillon"

Page 10 - "1 in 5 "" "" heart involvement" -- I'm not sure what this means?

Ok this has huge potential, you have a really sad, emotional & powerful story here that genuinely struck me.

The problem I'm afraid lies in your writing. Though they can be easily fixed there are a lot of grammatical errors, double spacing, awkward descriptions that don't do the great story you have here, justice. It appears a little rushed if anything.

What I suggest is read as many scripts as you can, not least your own work. Compare your formatting/layout to others. See how writers economise prose into a s few lines as possible but yet get there point across.

I by no means know it all & like everybody here, constantly learning all the time. That my friend is done thru reading, reading, reading & then reading some more.

Look for the scripts to some of your favorite films & see how they wrote what you saw on screen onto page.

As I said (and I feel the urge to reiterate as I truly believe it) you have a really good story here, man. The dream sequences being a highlight. It just needs more care & more time taken with it for it to be fully realised.

Good job here, needs work but great potential.

Best of luck with it, I'll be looking out for the rewrite.

Cheers.

Col.

Col,

Thanks for taking the time!

Wow ! That is some critique. I will go back through  the script and give it some reworking. There  will be no " frame of reference " and I certainly won't be "moving out" people from rooms.
By the way the 1in 5 do not have heart involvement refers to the condition "polyarteritis nodosa....that is 4 in 5 do have heart involvement .  This condition is an inflammatory disease that involves arterioles. It often affects the kidneys and the heart but 1 in 5 do not have heart involvement.

I will keep reading scripts..I am enjoying SS . I hope the problem of my writing won't get in the way of the 'vision" for this film. I will post a re write in 2-4 weeks .I intend to make the film in March to April 2009. It will be filmed on locations in South Australia.

If you get around to it check out another film I made  on

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=e3ze_6lq7EU  

( and watch it in HD)

Your comments were encouraging.




Cheers

Alex