Mayan Star, The by Graham Bottomley - Adventure -  A futuristic adventure about a man's quest to recover a fabulous jewel and heal his crippled dive buddy – little does he know that a ruthless assassin trails him for the same prize... 123 pages - pdf, format

Short Synopsis:

"The Mayan Star" is an action-adventure written along the lines of "Sahara," and is like a futuristic underwater version of "Romancing the Stone." The story, set in circa 2031, begins with diver Matt Walker accidentally crippling his buddy John Herron during a diving accident off the Florida coast. Matt is consumed with guilt and neither he nor John have the funds necessary for an operation that would bring John back to normal. Soon, Matt turns to the bottle to try to relieve his conscience.

Fast forward five years later and Matt is now a diver aboard an Underwater Research Station when he receives a mysterious message detailing the whereabouts of a treasure chest containing the priceless jewel, "The Mayan Star." Matt sees recovering the treasure as his best chance at paying for an operation for John and so embarks on a journey to find it. But what Matt doesn't know is that part of the message was intercepted by a ruthless Ukrainian assassin named Uri Grigorski who, unbeknownst to Matt, tails him in hopes of leading him to the mystical jewel. Matt eventually locates the chest beneath a sunken pirate ship, but that's when he meets Grigorski...

Hey Botto

I'm willing to give your script a read if you're still around?

That would be fantastic, Lightfoot. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Hope you like it!

Cheers,

Botto

This sounds interesting. I am giving it a read.

Hi Botto, I just finished the first 10 pages of your script. I am going to give some feedback on those pages. But since I don't know the entire story yet, my feedback below will be more focused on minor details.

First, I liked the first 10 pages: it gives us an incident to hook our interest. I also like your writing style, it is concise and clear with enough description to visualize what was going on. There are some typos in Levinson's speech on the top of page 10 though: spinal "cord" not "chord", "he tore his..." instead of "he tore a his..."

I am skeptical about Matt's self-talking behavior in the tanker. For example, "I'll have to blow this thing..." He is saying out loud what he is going to do, and I don't think that's how people usually behave. I suggest cutting that line out and just show us the action. Matt's self-talking appears again after John got hurt. I am not sure if Matt was trying to talk to John but as I recalled John was already unconscious.

When you are showing scenes back and forth, like between the Gallery and the Captain's Quarters, you can use INTERCUT instead of giving us the same sluglines numerous times.

That's all I am going to say for now. I'll keep on reading. Hope my feedback helps. Cheers!

Hey Coding, thanks for the compliment and pointing out the typos and errors.

I agree that Matt's "self-talk" should be dropped as action speaks louder than words.

I'll be very interested to read your comments. This was my first attempt at a feature length script, and was penned some five years ago.

Another later effort (Time on the Harbour in the sci-fi section) is much more polished and went through many drafts and editor input.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to reading what you have to say. Thanks again for taking the time.

Best,

Botto  

Hi, I read up to where Matt and Rick found the chest. And I have more things to say.

I have a question for you: What is your intended inciting incident and Act I plot point?

To me, your inciting incident is the same as your Act I plot point, which is Ken Madison's v-mail to Matt about the Star location. The risk of combining them together is losing audience's interest. And this kinda happens here with the long bar scene (page 14 - 22).

In the bar scene, you introduced too many characters all at once: Commander, Ben, Megan, Natalie, Emma, Kylie, and Rick. I think you can cut out Natalie and Emma because all they did here is reiterate what had happened in the story. You can introduce them later on when they are really needed. This will tighten the pace and get to Kylie hitting on Matt much sooner.

I am not sure if this is a plot hole, but Kylie said her boyfriend is Rick but then Kylie is a robot. So is Rick always dating a robot? And how come Rick didn't react when Kylie is taken away? Is Rick really Kylie's boyfriend? This leaves me confused.

After Kylie robot got arrested, there seems to be no aftermath in the research centre. Everything just goes back to normal. It feels like there is an action, but no reaction.

What is Matt's desire to find the Star? I don't think responding to his teacher's request is a strong enough desire. I know you mentioned Matt's desire in the summary but it was not apparent in the story. This desire must be very clear to the audience or else the entire story has no purpose. I suggest shorten the bar scene and add in a few scenes about why Matt wants the Star so badly.

One last question, why would Matt suddenly agree with Rick to go together? Although Matt said it himself that even he doesn't know why, I want to know whether you have a reason here.

Sorry if I sounded too critical or harsh.

Hi Coding,

Thanks for your helpful comments that will no doubt assist with another draft. I think I'll wait 'til you read the entire script before replying. Also, things might become more apparent as the story progresses.

One point that should be clarified: Kylie is lying about being Rick's boyfriend. She's used Rick as a way to get onto the Research Station and get to Matt who has info about the Star. You don't seem to have grasped that concept. Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough?

I look forward to your feedback after you've finished the script. Cheers, Botto.

Hi Graham, I have finished the script. First, I want to say that I enjoyed reading it. I think you are definitely a good writer. And now let's get to some feedback.

Act I
The accident involving John is the script's first impression. It is well written, but didn't affect the main story that much (until the very end). When I was reading the script, I always thought about the accident and what does it have to do with the Mayan Star. I would like to see you play up the accident. Maybe Matt and John were already looking for the Mayan Star in the beginning, and then after the accident, Matt wants to find it to fulfill John's wish.

In the USR bar sequence, I liked how you used Kylie as a robot. I didn't see that coming. However, I am confused about her role. I understand that Kylie is sent by Uri to get info about the Star. But if she lies about Rick being her boyfriend (meaning Rick doesn't know Kylie), why would Rick be so angry with Matt? And even if Rick and Kylie are just acquaintances, shouldn't Rick be saying something after Kylie is revealed to be a robot? There should be some consequences of that. I just feel some scenes are missing.

The sequence in the Santa Laura is good. I have no problem with that, but I am a bit skeptical about taking x-ray underwater. And then Rick is willingly to be exposed to unnecessary radiation.

I am sorry to say, but I think Megan can be cut from the entire script. Her role serves very little purpose and her lines can be given to other characters.

I am looking forward to your opinions about my comments. I'll post my thoughts about Act II and III soon.

Act II
I liked the scene where Matt went outside of his house to look for the intruder. It is suspenseful, but sometimes the tension falls flat. For example: "A cat meows and leaps. Matt is scared, then relieved". It is supposed to be exciting but when you read it, it feels dull. Instead, it can be written as: "MEOW! A cat LEAPS across Matt's face! Matt stumbles backwards, then lets out a deep breath."

In the interaction with Morley, it feels like you are alluding to something bigger. For example, Morley knows Matt from school, Morley is unimpressed with Matt, and Morley thinks Matt is hiding something. At this point, I expect Morley will do something bad to Matt about the Mayan Star. But this never happens, so I feel you made a false promise. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

In the lab, Phoebe mentioned about radioactive material in the Mayan Star. Is there any significance about the radioactive material? Or have I missed something?

The best part in Act II is the sequence from Matt and Nat go looking for samples to Nat gets revived. I can visualize the underwater scenery, I feel the love between Matt and Nat, and I can sense the tension when Nat almost dies. To me, that was a exhilarating sequence.

But what comes after is something with less excitement. I feel the story was at full speed and then comes to a screeching halt. The meal with Nat, the intrusion of Matt's house, and the assassination attempt: we have already seen them before earlier in the script. These scenes did not give us new information or turn the story in a new direction. I was actually hoping that Matt and Nat get caught by Uri here so that something new happens.

Act III
Now we get back to some story action. I liked how you write the action paragraphs in this part. Very to-the-point. The torpedo, the robotic piranha, and the square off between Uri and Matt all provide good action sequences. The thing I don't get is even if the URS sub is in hiding, why did the torpedo shoots back to Uri's sub?

About the ending, I am sorry, I didn't like it. I didn't buy Nat is the culprit and she explains how everything happened. Yes, it is unexpected, but it came out of left field. She explained her reason to find the Star, but what about Matt's? Why did he want to find the Star in the first place? I think his reason should be apparent to the audience before he dives into this adventure. It feels like Matt had never thought of getting money for John's operation.

I didn't get the two scenes at the very end. What's going on there with Kylie and Rick? And then John and Megan? I assume it's another twist. John is actually not paralyzed, he teams up with Megan to cheat Matt's money? Okay, so why would John want to confess to Matt? Again, this little twist feels very "tacked on".


Overall, I do enjoy this adventure. It's exciting, fun, and I actually feel sad when Nat is going to die. However, the ending just leave me with a bad taste. You didn't plant enough seeds throughout the story for us to feel the twists' impact. Hence, the final twists feel forced. If you want us to believe that John is cheating on Matt, you might want to add some scenes in the beginning where John is seriously in debt and he really  needs all the money from the Mayan Star.

Hey Coding, Wow! Great job and suggestions as to how to improve the script. I'm very grateful that you've taken the time and your thoughts will help enormously. I'll do my best to reply to your posts tomorrow.

Thanks again, mate.

Cheers,

Botto

Part 1 Question & Answer:

Hi Coding,

Firstly, I’m really pleased with the time and effort you’ve put into your suggestions.

The screenplay was assessed by two assessors from the Australian Writers Guild many years ago. I finally decided to put this draft from four years ago onto here.

Anyway, I’ve tried to address most of your suggestions and comments below:  

The accident involving John is the script's first impression. It is well written, but didn't affect the main story that much (until the very end). When I was
reading the script, I always thought about the accident and what does it have to do with the Mayan Star. I would like to see you play up the accident. Maybe Matt and John were already looking for the Mayan Star in the beginning, and then after the accident, Matt wants to find it to fulfil John's wish.

This is an excellent suggestion. I agree that the accident should relate to the Mayan Star. I will add that Matt and John are also looking for the Mayan Star as they search the tanker. They will talk about it being rumoured to be in that location and John will enthuse about it being a life-long ambition to find the mystical jewel. This, in turn, will provide further impetus for Matt to find the Star, get the reward money and heal John.  

In the USR bar sequence, I liked how you used Kylie as a robot. I didn't see that coming. However, I am confused about her role. I understand that Kylie is sent by Uri to get info about the Star. But if she lies about Rick being her boyfriend (meaning Rick doesn't know Kylie), why would Rick be so angry with Matt? And even if Rick and Kylie are just acquaintances, shouldn't Rick be saying something after Kylie is revealed to be a robot? There should be some consequences of that. I just feel some scenes are missing.

I can see your point about Rick not saying anything after Kylie is discovered to be a robot and will include additional dialogue in the script to cover this. As I said however, Kylie is only using Rick to get to Matt. She has Rick fooled into believing that she likes him, and Rick see Matt as a threat and reacts accordingly when she appears to be pursuing Matt for sexual conquest.  

The sequence in the Santa Laura is good. I have no problem with that, but I am a bit sceptical about taking x-ray underwater. And then Rick is willingly to be exposed to unnecessary radiation.

I understand what you are saying about Rick’s exposure to radiation, but feel this is only a minor concern within the context of the story, and, in any case,  I’m sure that exposure to radiation, via x-ray or similar, would have been overcome by 2036.

I am sorry to say, but I think Megan can be cut from the entire script. Her role serves very little purpose and her lines can be given to other characters.

I cannot agree about cutting Megan from the script. She is an integral character who Matt uses as a sounding board, and also assists with exposition. It is my intention to add additional dialogue with Megan when Matt will reinforce his commitment to recovering the Star, getting the money and paying for an operation that will restore John’s movement.

It is my opinion that she also adds to the emotional depth to the screenplay - when she and John hook up and are cured by the mystical properties of the Star.  I feel this is a neat twist – that many would not have seen coming in the final scene...  

This gets me to the fact that you didn’t pick up on the Star possessing mystical qualities and the power to heal the sick or disabled, I can understand why...John says on the last page, “Matt, I wanted to thank you for your offer to pay for an operation ...but there's one thing that Nat didn't tell you about the Mayan Star”.

John then points his phone camera at his face and fingers the record button as he pans down to his legs whilst WALKING.

He then throws the Frisbee in the air before it is being deftly caught by MEGAN, who LOOKS at the sky before declaring what a beautiful day it is.

This implies that John, who was crippled, can WALK and the previously blind Megan can now SEE!

In fairness to you, I think this revelation is perhaps too subtle.

The Australian Writers Guild Assessors understood that the Star had cured both John and Megan, but you missing it reinforces  that it must be presented more clearly, with perhaps CUT TO shots of the Star with an other-worldly glow, and, or, a conversation where it is explained clearly about its healing powers

The other allusions to its mystical powers are when it glows radiantly at the Smithsonian presentation ceremony whilst in Megan’s hands, and the ceremony at the Pyramid of Kulkanan, where the sick boy lays on the alter as the Priest holds the Star above the boy. This scene cuts there, so it is left to the imagination as to what the Priest will do with it next...

In any case, the Star’s healing powers should be MORE clearly pronounced to the reader or viewer.    

Q & A part 2

I liked the scene where Matt went outside of his house to look for the intruder. It is suspenseful, but sometimes the tension falls flat. For example: "A cat meows and leaps. Matt is scared, then relieved". It is supposed to be exciting but when you read it, it feels dull. Instead, it can be written as: "MEOW! A cat LEAPS across Matt's face! Matt stumbles backwards, and then lets out a deep breath."

Great suggestion! I’ll use it. Thanks.

In the interaction with Morley, it feels like you are alluding to something bigger. For example, Morley knows Matt from school, Morley is unimpressed with Matt, and Morley thinks Matt is hiding something. At this point, I expect Morley will do something bad to Matt about the Mayan Star. But this never happens, so I feel you made a false promise. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

You’re right. Morley had more scenes in early drafts, but they were cut. I’ll conjure something to feed the promise.

In the lab, Phoebe mentioned about radioactive material in the Mayan Star. Is there any significance about the radioactive material? Or have I missed something?

The Star emits radiation because it has mystical properties. Perhaps this is stretching scientific truths, but at least it tells the reader/viewer that the Star may have some “quality” or “power” outside the norm.  

The best part in Act II is the sequence from Matt and Nat go looking for samples to Nat gets revived. I can visualize the underwater scenery, I feel the love between Matt and Nat, and I can sense the tension when Nat almost dies. To me, that was an exhilarating sequence.

Thanks for the kind words. It’s satisfying when an integral and emotional sequence comes off.

But what comes after is something with less excitement. I feel the story was at full speed and then comes to a screeching halt. The meal with Nat, the intrusion of Matt's house, and the assassination attempt: we have already seen them before earlier in the script. These scenes did not give us new information or turn the story in a new direction. I was actually hoping that Matt and Nat get caught by Uri here so that something new happens.

Sorry, I disagree. Matt’s best mate, Ben is killed in this sequence. This definitely ups the ante and shows that Uri is playing for keeps. It also steels Matt’s resolve to go after the Star and avenge his buddy’s death.  This sequence is going to stay.  Although I might add some dialogue about it making Matt more determined.

Now we get back to some story action. I liked how you write the action paragraphs in this part. Very to-the-point. The torpedo, the robotic piranha, and the square off between Uri and Matt all provide good action sequences. The thing I don't get is even if the URS sub is in hiding, why did the torpedo shoots back to Uri's sub?

Thanks again, Coding.

The torpedo shoots back to Uri’s sub because it detected the heat. A heat-seeking torpedo! Matt’s sub ducked into the Ice Cave because its heat could not be detected deep within the rock and ice.  

About the ending, I am sorry, I didn't like it. I didn't buy Nat is the culprit and she explains how everything happened. Yes, it is unexpected, but it came out of left field. She explained her reason to find the Star, but what about Matt's? Why did he want to find the Star in the first place? I think his reason should be apparent to the audience before he dives into this adventure. It feels like Matt had never thought of getting money for John's operation.

That’s a shame you didn’t like the end, and I think that’s mostly because you misunderstood it. Maybe the next draft will correct it.

I feel that Nat had sufficient motive to use Matt to get the Star. He had the tech, location, ability and most of all – Nat felt he should be put at risk because she viewed him as contributing to the paralysis of her brother.

You’re spot on about Matt needing to relay very early on and right throughout the script, his reasons for wanting the Star. It’s very important, and hopefully, I’ll address that!

I didn't get the two scenes at the very end. What's going on there with Kylie and Rick? And then John and Megan? I assume it's another twist. John is actually not paralysed; he teams up with Megan to cheat Matt's money? Okay, so why would John want to confess to Matt? Again, this little twist feels very "tacked on".

It is assumed that Kylie has been sent back by Uri’s friend Vasili to kill Rick and avenge Uri’s death. Once again, the Aussie assessors got it, but it is expecting a bit to have come to that conclusion. This needs further explanation and detail in future drafts.

I am sceptical about Matt's self-talking behaviour in the tanker. For example, "I'll have to blow this thing..." He is saying out loud what he is going to do, and I don't think that's how people usually behave. I suggest cutting that line out and just show us the action. Matt's self-talking appears again after John got hurt. I am not sure if Matt was trying to talk to John but as I recalled John was already unconscious.

As I said previously, action speaks louder than words, but as an alternative: Matt could talk into a mini computer that calculates a high probability of him and John getting the bends if they return to the surface. The computer suggests that they stay put for awhile until found, but Matt ignores this when he knows the pick-up boat will return soon.

When you are showing scenes back and forth, like between the Gallery and the Captain's Quarters, you can use INTERCUT instead of giving us the same slug lines numerous times.

Yes! I’ll do that. Thanks.

After Kylie robot got arrested, there seems to be no aftermath in the research centre. Everything just goes back to normal. It feels like there is an action, but no reaction.

The Commander mentions on Pg 62 that the police want to put a minder on board the URS to keep an eye on Matt following his house break-in. I’ll add Commander dialogue alluding to Kylie illegally boarding the URS, and the subsequent crack-down on URS security.  
One last question, why would Matt suddenly agree with Rick to go together? Although Matt said it himself that even he doesn't know why, I want to know whether you have a reason here.

Matt has told the Commander that he is going out for “R and R” on the scuba bikes as an excuse not to clean the shark tanks, so he figures he can’t go back on his declaration, so he might as well tag along with Rick. He also sees the trip as an opportunity to scout for The Star. Also, Rick was eavesdropping outside Matt’s apartment and knows the Star’s location, so Matt wants to ensure that he gets to it first!

Overall, I do enjoy this adventure. It's exciting, fun, and I actually feel sad when Nat is going to die. However, the ending just leaves me with a bad taste. You didn't plant enough seeds throughout the story for us to feel the twists' impact. Hence, the final twists feel forced. If you want us to believe that John is cheating on Matt, you might want to add some scenes in the beginning where John is seriously in debt and he really needs all the money from the Mayan Star.

I’m glad you enjoyed it and hopefully the next draft will have a more detailed and more easily understood ending.

I’m really grateful for your hours of effort, and just let me know when you want me to look over your work.

Thanks again for a terrific effort and many fine suggestions!

Cheers,

Botto