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A Night To Remember by Adam Mosquito - Short, Comedy - When the nerdy school-boy and the hot chick of the school are paired up as study partners, what's the worst that could happen? 8 pages - pdf, format
Hello! I thought I would give this a read, as I like a good laugh. And it did have a few laughts in it. Although here are a few things to think about...
-Get rid of the rock throwing. If Randy and Mike are mates, it wouldn't happen. Maybe if Mike threw a pebble or something small and it hit the car that would be okay, but breaking the window is too far.
-Don't chuck in what music you want in it.
-A few insntances of telling not showing. Eg, "Randy and PRISCILLA, popular, cheerleader-type,". . If you want to show that she is popular on screen, show us in another way. WHY is she popular? And put that in.
-A few lines that aren't natural. Like the one, 'Since you’ve been acting like such a harassing prick..." It's not natural.
-"It’s a goat, bitch!" was classic. I laughed out loud.
-You don't use an active tense all the way throughout. I think this is one of the hardest things when writing scripts. Take out all the "ing" words. Eg, "sitting down on a bed" could be "sit on a bed".
-Don't put in camera direction.
-The ending was a letdown. I don't really understand it. Is it supposed to be funny? Have I missed something?
Overall this was a bit over the top, but had some funny lines.
While the story was an intersting idea, the way it was told lacked. First off, the dialogue was very unrealistic and just awkward at times. I really wouldn't have known the main character was a nerd if you hadn't told me. Remember that writing a script should be basic and only describe the things we see. The main problem I think was the jokes. It seems they were just random and kind of irrelevant, like you just wrote a scene to use them. Last off, I don't get the goat? If it was hidden in her bedroom then how come they didn't hear it before?