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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January, 2009 Two Week Challenge  ›  0109 TWC - A Different Menu
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  Author    0109 TWC - A Different Menu  (currently 3200 views)
Don
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Different Menu by Steve McDonell and Jeff Bush (stevie and dreamscale)  writing as:  Dweezil and Moon Unit - Short, Sci Fi - A grandfather in a future world wants to feed his family some decent food… 15 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 24th, 2009, 5:42pm
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mcornetto
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure how I feel about this one. While I think it was nicely written, I have some issues with it.

First off, I kind of skeptical about some of the science.  All of the fish?  Some maybe, making them scarce, a majority maybe, but all?  To get rid of all the fish would require major poisoning of the planets water - and even then some fish are likely to survive (just because of currents and eddys in the seas and places that don't connect to oceans like the dead sea)

Second, this got a bit chatty about why things happened without ever getting that specific about it.  I think you can cut a lot of that out.  It's enough to have the kid ask once.

Third, I wanted to see him steal the fish.  That has probably got to be the most interesting action packed, tension filled part of this whole story and you gloss over it.  Show us.  Ditto for Mom going to the slum farm.

I think you chose the wrong things to show us in this story - if you ever do a rewrite pick the things that are going to keep us watching and reading.

Cheers.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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This was a nice story and all, but it does move a little too slow and it really didn't build up to much.  I think it should take place a little further in the future though, maybe another twenty or thirty years.   It did have a nice relationship with curtis and Jack and it fit the genre and theme, So good job there.


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Shelton
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was pretty good, but went on a little longer than it needed to.  I think ending it at the fish reveal would have been a little more appropriate.

Cornetto brings up a good point about the sever lack of fish, but ultimately it's not a huge deal.  It could probably be fixed to where fish only exist in way out waters that are harder to get to or something.

I liked the lion fight and the auction parts, and wished I could have seen just a little bit more of that aspect.

All in all, a good job.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Have to agree with Cornetto's comments.  Fish should be the last creatures to be completely affected, as the seas are so unexplored, so deep in places, etc.  Doesn't make sense.

Also, agree that the wrong events are shown here.  Would have enjoyed seeing the fish theft, and could have done without so much talking.  Also didn't see any sci-fi elements here, which would have been nice.

I did enjoy Grandpa and Curtis though. They were well developed in a short time and came off as real people.  Not bad overall.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This one didn't really do it for me. I don't know from a scientific perspective, how all the fish could be gone, but it seems other animals are doing pretty good and the people here are more concerned with eating any kind of meat over other foods.

If the sparrows are living, then I think you could raise chicken and have their eggs.

From a character perspective I think it fell flat. The dialogue seemed artificial.

Other notes:

Grandpa Jack
I'm going to an auction where the rich ones aren't allowed.

That sounds really peculiar to me. It seems that the world would
still run on money and in that case, farmers would still want to
get the most for whatever it is they're selling. They'd want the
"rich ones".

With this:

The buildings and streets are normal looking(as in 2009
standards), but there are no cars. The streets are filled
with pedestrians, bicycles, horses and carts. The taller
buildings and apartment blocks are covered in vines and
growing vegetables, balconies overflowing. The weather is
quite cool, the heat gone from this former desert furnace.

Pay attention to the fact that it's coming over as a dry
and repetitious read here:

The buildings
The streets
The taller buildings
The weather

The part with the enraged lion in a cage with several men attacking with knives
didn't make sense. If they managed to get the lion in the cage in the first place,
that would have been the end of the story as far as meat is concerned. As it is,
it just seems like glamorizing killing and violence. Kind of like a bull fight idea.
I don't see a story here at all.

I was wondering where Dad was in all of this.

Here's a contradiction:

More security guards with guns
circulate in the crowd.

Why didn't they shoot the Lion?

Sorry I can't offer anything more positive here, but I didn't feel like there was any kind of emotional point to the story and I couldn't connect with it on any level.

Sandra





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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stevie
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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this was pretty god, i feel. the theme of food shortage was well mentioned. looking at ohter reviews of this, i feel too much detail didn't need to be shown. it is science fiction and tus speculation. in a 15 page script there isn't really time to tell too much.
it was bit different too. probaly second after barren earth so far.

just realised! the last line seems to have been inspired by Mike Shelton! he should get a credit!



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Murphy
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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This was really nicely written, I thought that I would see lots of scripts that looked like they were written by two people but this was seamless and a good start to my OWC reading.

You did a nice job of creating the bond between Curtis and his Grandfather, I thought the characters were really written well and believable. The story was good, although all the exposition was told through dialogue, it would have been nice to see a more visual way to give some of the back story. I take it they stole the fish in the end? I would probably would liked to have seen that happen, that really could have been the focus of your story rather than all the talking round the table.

A good job overall though, a nice read.  
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dogglebe
Posted: January 17th, 2009, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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My only complaint about this story was that it was more of a drama than science fiction.  It worked well as drama, but still...

The relation between Grandpa Jack and Cutris was good and enjoyable.  Jack kinda talked on and on, which seemed fine with the character but he seemed a little on-the-nose at times.

If you gave this another rewrite, por two, this would be a really nice script.


Phil
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MBCgirl
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 3:36am Report to Moderator
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My final review...

I liked this story...the relationship with Curtis and his Grandfather Jack...but not for the challenge.  A food shortage wasn't resolved.

How come we didn't see how they got the fish...obviously they didn't bid on the cow.


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


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stebrown
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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'The weather is quite cool, the heat gone from this former desert furnace'.

I'd prefer you to show this rather than tell.

When the animals are being brought out I think a montage would be the best way of doing that. I'm guessing the animal is brought out, then bids, then the next animal comes out - that's not very clear how you wrote it.

This was alright. I liked the relatinship between the family, the characters were well formed and the family unit seemed quite real. It would have been interesting to know where the Dad was.

What this seemed to lack was some conflict. I mean, they went to buy a cow, didn't get it but got a fish somehow. It feels like an important part of the story was missed out.

The writing was good but storywise it was lacking. I wouldn't really call this sci-fi either to be honest.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 18th, 2009, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey!

So just a few things I think might help to improve this little tale, all IMHO:

It seems unnecessary for Curtis to have two siblings, when neither really seemed to have much of an effect on the story.  I would say get rid of Eve, and just keep Timmy.  Not a big deal, but superfluous characters just sort of distract from the story, and I think one sibling would be enought to show how some people have gotten used to the new lifestyle.

The Grandpas "fuck" was out of place in this story.  The entire rest of the story had a "gee whiz, mister" feel to the dialogue, and so the Fuck has no place.  Conversely, you could make the dialogue more real, and less cutesy, and then the fuck would fit right in.  I'd probably go with getting rid of the fuck though, as this story seems to sort of run on cute-ness juxtaposed with rat-eating

I can't say I'm happy with the ending.  the cows to beautiful to eat, so they let someone else eat it and use the money to buy a fish?  It was cool to tie he fish into the ending, as you had talked it up in the story, but just ditching the cow like that didn't feel right.

Thats all!

-Tyler


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George Willson
Posted: January 20th, 2009, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a nice, easygoing tale of how these people are surviving after some global calamity robbed them of their normal food supplies. Of course, it's hard to say how they were truly robbed. They went from eating one type of meat to another. The climate cooled, but that only means tropical fruit would have trouble growing. What about sub-tropical, such as apples which grow in about any weather? And apparently rats and sparrows are surviving and there are other animals around that some breeding can produce. It just makes me wonder what kind of shortage is really going on here.

This also was more of a drama than sci-fi, with the only conflict being between Curtis and mom. The story over all was ok, and it was a bit weird to have Curtis go soft on eating the engorged cow. Since the subtext of the fish seemed to indicate that they didn't exactly pay for it, there seemed to be no reason to save the money from the cow purchase.


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James R
Posted: January 20th, 2009, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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The script stuck to the theme and everything, so well done on that front. The small twist at the end was nice. I liked how the food shortage was introduced and just took off from there. I was almost disappointed that it was explained. I like to wonder.

The story just didn't grab me. It was kind of slow, and the long conversation at the house before Grandpa and Curtis left could have been cut down a lot and it might have been better. I think more time could have been spent at the auction or a maybe scene at the museum (though I understand this could ruin your twist at the end, which I didn't see coming).

Curtis was supposed to be 10? That was some mature dialogue for a 10-year-old. I liked that he was curious about the world and used the interweb to find out more.

Much of the dialogue felt cliched and unnatural. It felt like a script written in the 50s or something, very Leave It To Beaner. But in Arizona.

James


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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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I think this fit well with food shortage, but I didn't get the sci-fi part of it.

I think you could have went into detail about the food shortage (what caused it). Was it overpopulation? Cos' there were some animals to bid on, but this child had never seen one???

Seems like they would do some breeding and feed the people instead of eating them as soon as they saw them...???

A sparrow wouldn't feed that many people, unless it was like a pea-sized piece of meat on the plate.

The part about the lion was pretty neat. Showed how desperate the men had become.

If Grandpa was smart, he would have bought the cow, and hid it in the house from the outsiders. They would have had milk, and the possiblilty of buying another cow, too.

The ending with the fish, well, I would have liked to seen how they got it, too.

But the script was well-written, had a pretty good story (just some holes need filling), with good characters.

Not bad for a TWC. I would like to see the re-write.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
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