The Horror by Tommy - Horror - A old school haunted house script done in the noir tradition. A young girl on a dare, enters the neighborhood's so-called haunted house. Moments later, she's transformed into a walking nightmare. Her doctor Harry and six others enter this house to try to find what really happened that day.  90 pages - pdf, format


Horror, The by Tommy - Horror - A old school haunted house script done in the noir tradition. A young girl on a dare, enters the neighborhood's so-called haunted house. Moments later, she's transformed into a walking nightmare. Her doctor Harry and six others enter this house to try to find what really happened that day.  90 pages - frd, format

Could someone give the PDF version a quick look and see if it came out okay...Thx

Hey Tommy.  The PDF came out OK.  There are lots of issues with your script though, immediately out of the gate.

Opening scene is "INT", but most of the action in the first passage take place outside the house.  It's written very awkwardly, and tough to follow.

Your next pasage starts with "Inside the house itself...".  You didn't change the setting, so of course it's inside the house.  You've got  "we" and "is heard" all on the opening page, which is a problem.

You've got this "man" who you don't describe and say we can't see who it is, yet he has a speaking line. If we can't see him, or you don't want his identity revealed, he has to be hidden from view by something...or have it too dark...something.  Have him speak O.S. or something.  It doesn't work at all the way it is.

Your next scene starts before your new Slug, which is totally incorrect.  You have Harry speaking before he's intro'd...incorrect again.

"Harry Collins, age 60. One other person is with him. A hospital orderly stands close by looking at KATE WILSON’S age 16, face in disbelief." - This passge is horribly awkward and very poorly written.

You don't mention anything about Kate looking odd, yet this orderly says she doesn't even look human.  You have to understand that you need to write what it is that's going to be onscreen.  You have not done this well at all on your opening page, and that's always a sign of what's to follow.  Lots of missing punctuation all over the place.  Awkward sentences.  Lack of desciption...just not good by any means.

It needs alot of work, Tommy.  I'd recommend reading lots of scipts in here and figuring out what's not working with yours.  Hope this helps, and sorry for being harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts.