People Who Lie by Xavier Gonzalez - Short - A man talks about how he can get anything in life with just one lie: "I'm dying". 7 pages. - pdf, format

Hey, finally it's up. Thanks for posting it Don.

I came up with the idea for this short in a writing class when I was asked to write a Bio of my own life. I was remembering how when I was young I was hit by an SUV, and I spent a few days in the hospital. While there I used a lie ("I'm dying") to get everything I wanted (I was only four and didn't know it was a lie, I thought it was true).  But then after that my muscles started to act up and sometimes i couldn't move. So I was assigned a physical therapist who helped me discovered that some of the stress from the lie along with some other stuff was what was causing my muscle stress.

So I was thinking what if this guy used this same lie for much bigger things (I only used it for candy and small stuff like that), what would happen to him, would he get the stuff or would someone know right away that it's a lie?

I've just read it.. and I don't like it.

- Dialogue isn't very good.

THERAPIST
What were you caught doing?

PETER
I was caught telling a lie.

THERAPIST (O.C.)
The fact that you lied makes you
unproud.

Peter shakes his head

PETER
No, the fact that I was caught
telling it is.

Did you actually read this back to yourself? It's horrible to read, cringe worthy. The scene doesn't make any sense. Peter is not proud of being caught but he has no problems with the actual lying? What..?

What also bothered me about that was your choice of words. Unproud? Is that even a word?

- Some scenes are laughable.

- Excellent decision by the bank employee, lets give this dying man a loan and get no return on our investment. It wouldn't happen... ever... it came off as comedy.

- Make love to me
- No
- I'm dying..
- Okay, I'll blow you..

Come on man, that's pure comedy.. you can't be serious. I'm starting to think you did write these scenes with the intention of making us laugh.

Peter gets shot in the chest a few times.. but he still manages to yell into the phone? I don't think so.

The above is brutally honest.. I'm not going to beat around the bush. It's plain awful, you have the ability to do so much better.

Don't worry about my feelings, Script_monkey, you're honest.

You know, I'm not sure if unproud is a word, people use it a lot around me, so it's just a word from my vocab. And I know that I messed up when I wrote Peter's line: "No, the fact that I was caught telling it is" it should have said "Does" instead of "is". Also the dialog was some real dialog that was used when I was going through physical therapy as a kid, of course that was up in New York were the doctors don't have the best vocabulary.

I did try to write this as a comedy. I taught, hey maybe telling a lie that gets you almost anything would be funny at some times, helpful at other,and some times just down right unbelievable, which to me this script mostly was.

Anyhow, thanks for giving this a read, it only to six minutes to write, and I'm glad that somebody hates it as much as I do. < Joke.

Okay, to answer the question, unproud is not a word.  You should have used "ashamed" or something along those lines.

I'd have to agree with script monkey that you're capable of doing much better than this.  The idea just didn't seem to have enough weight to justify a story.  And the crazy "Boy Who Cried Wolf" ending just comes out of left field and isn't believable at all.  

This exchange beween Peter and the boss:

PETER (CONT'D)
I can't sir! Um,.. I'm dying... If
I stay up late I run the risk of
my heart exploding. I only have a
few months to live and I want to
live it to its fullest.

The boss thinks this over.

BOSS
Okay, fine. I'll get someone else
to do it.

He walks away. Peter smiles.

Man, that boss is one cold-hearted mofo.  His response just seemed ridiculous.

A few technical mistakes:

"A YOUNG PETER (forth grader) sits in the backseat of his
mother's car."

Should be fourth grader.

"But that one lie I had, it was the
mother load,"

Should be mother lode.

"Peter is still alive, but barley."

Should be barely.

Now, you say it only took you six minutes to write and it certainly reads that way.  You should have taken a few days and gone over the script and you most likely would have picked up on everything I and script monkey have said.  Next script will be back up to par, I'm sure.

Hey Xavier

Unfortunetly I'd have to agree with the previous comments, script wasn't well written but I love the premise for it. I was immediately interested after reading it.

I liked how this whole addiction to lying began when he was a kid giving an answer to his mother about a test. It's beleviable and think it's something most if not everyone has done once in their lives. Although about the lie "my heart will explode/ I only have a few months to live" I think this will be extremely easy to detect Maybe chnage it to something more simpe like a planned date, outing with friends, or erran to run.

That whole scene with Peter and the female worker seemed like the beginning of a scene to a cheap pornography movie. It just didn't seem right to me how easy it was for Peter.

The bank scene made me think that Peter is careless about his life and lives only to ruin it. I understand that he's addicted to lying but even people who lie know not to make huge loans when they can't pay them off.

The ending was okay but it can be better, I feel that the shooter should have a bigger part in the story, perhaps  while Peter was explaining all his lies he talks about one. Maybe a car broke down on a roadway and the husband is desperately trying to get his dying wife to the hospital. Peter drives by him, talks, and eventually lies to him, drives off.

Tell the rest until we get to the shooting. Here will be a completely changed situation. Instead of being random Peter gets shot with intent to kill. There can be dialogue for this character, he'll be a wreck, crying, and very angry. Here he explains that his wife died that night and here we see a lie that turns out bad for someone. Cause in others you don't have this, In others is more like "since your dying I'll give you what you want seeing how the world is full of cute cuddly kittens and bright rainbows"

Anyway these are just my thoughts


Andrew,

Xavier

Its a good idea you've got here. The logline drew me in, there is plenty of potential with this kind of storyline. However I feel it wasn't executed well & could be greatly improved.

PETER (Tall, okay looking, well groomed, early 30's) -- "okay looking" feels a little awkward as a description of someone alhough I know what you were going for.
"sits in a Therapist's office." -- Not required since you have already specified a location.
"attetion" -- attention
"A beat of silence." -- Just "silence" would do.

THERAPIST (O.C.)
What were you caught doing?

PETER
I was caught telling a lie.

THERAPIST (O.C.)
Would you mind telling me what the
lie is?

PETER
I'm not gonna tell you what the
lie was. But I will tell you it
was one I used a lot. And I think
I've been telling it late cos I
discovered something...


Those above exchanges feel forced, especially the way you have Peter phrasing his answer similarily to the Therapist' question.

THERAPIST (O.C.)
Tell me, Peter, when did this
obsession with lying begin?

I realise you are trying to capture the lingo of your average politically correct, probing shrink but it seems a little overdone; like above, its nearly too formal.

At the sound of this Peter quickly blurs out: -- "to blur out" -- What does that mean?

The mother gets an "unbelievable" look on her face. -- Phrased poorly

PETER
And it's not just getting what you
want. With lying you can be
anything, do anything, or be
anyone.

Again this doesn't sit right. You have "be", then "do" then back to "be" again.

I liked the montage part. Reminds me of a few of my friends.

PETER (CONT'D)
I can't sir! Um,.. I'm dying... If
I stay up late I run the risk of
my heart exploding. I only have a
few months to live and I want to
live it to its fullest.

BOSS
Okay, fine. I'll get someone else
He walks away. Peter smiles.

This is a little far fetched, don't you think?

The part with the female co worker is even more ridiculous but it made me laugh, sweet as. I might try this tactic of yours. Not expecting these kinda results though.

                                                                                                      CUT TO:

INT. PETER'S OFFICE- MOMENTS LATER

No need to have a "cut to:" if you detail a change in scene even though in this case we are in the same location so a "cut to:" is all thats required.

"I can not continue to speak to you over this situation." -- Sounds a little off even for a bank manager.

And let me say that if a person is dying he definitely would NOT be granted a loan, it would stand against him. The fact that he won't be around to like...you know...pay it back or anything.

"A MAN with a revolver has shot him." -- You changed tenses.

"barley." -- should be "barely." -- Barley is what beer is made from.

As I said, good idea, poor execution. Both prose & dialogue could be tightened up a lot. The examples you give of him manipulating people with this lie were far to unrealistic. Try to think of more rational situations where he uses it to his advantage.

Have him trying it on strangers rather then people who know him, as the lie isn't gonna hold up in that case, (people who know will notice the (lack off) dying on his part surely Peter can envisage this coming.

The ending; though it comes as a surprise just feels too contrived & overly "shocking". Again I see you were going for the "boy who cried wolf" motif, it just needs more work in the "building up to it" department.

Best of luck with this, it has potential.

Col.

Thanks for the reads everyone. I understand that this script is a bit of a joke, in many ways. To tell ya the truth I'm laughing reading all these things you guys write down cos for me to see all the shit I missed while rewriting this script ten time is just ridiculous.

CAM17

Yes, I know unproud is not a word, but I know many people who use it for some reason. And as I might have explained just now, it didn't take me six minutes to write (that was a joke), I actually went over it a few times, in fact a did a pre-writing on legal rule paper a few days before passing it on my comp.

LIGHT FOOT

The only reason I killed Peter at the end was cos I was going for the Boy Who Cried Wolf type of ending only with the boy getting his ass shot up. And the shooter wasn't mad he was just a mugger in the city that was way too desperate.

COLKURTZ8

Yes I realize that all the stuff was obtained quit simply for Peter with his lies, and to telly ya the truth when I was in the hospital it worked that easily: I'd see a candy lady with a cart walking by, I'd run up to her just say "I'm dying" she would chuckle, feel sorry for me and give me cookie of something.

And the dialog between Peter and his boss where he just says whatever to Peter, It's not really that unbelievable, especially not were I live, but I thank you all for pointing out somethings that I need to fix, quit a few actually, so again thanks ya guys,

Xavier