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The Malcolm Moon Cartoon Pilot by Mr. Scarecrow - Short - Malcolm Moon is a werewolf who hangs around with a 128 year old vampire and a extra dimensional creature with high anxiety. One night they decide to raise the dead… 11 pages - pdf, format
It's kind of a pity this sank into the background without getting any attention, because I actually quite enjoyed this. Also, I know quite a few people who would go crazy for this show if it was made into a series.
SPOILERS
Your logline is great. Straight off, that made me want to read the script. Malcolm Moon is a great name for a slacker werewolf, by the way. I found Mr. Squido very, very strange, but no doubt others would absolutely love him. I liked most of the characters, although I found Parson slightly uneven; at times he does sound like a Victorian boy ("Charmed as well"), but at others he sounds completely different. He needs a little more consistency in his dialogue.
I loved the just-raised zombies. Malcolm's "damn you Romero and your lies" did actually make me laugh out loud when I read it. After that, I'm afraid, things started to unravel a little bit. The "bastard of nature" line, and when the pizza boy repeats it, raised a smile, but I think generally things get TOO random. Also, at the end I had no idea who was alive and who was dead. If this is the first in a series, don't you need your main characters alive?! Unless, of course, you plan to go the Family Guy/South Park route of just ignoring what's gone before.
So yeah, I actually see quite a lot of potential here. If you go back over the second half of the script and make things flow slightly better, then that would help. Also, at 11 pages I think this is a bit on the short side for an episode. But maybe you're only looking to make a short cartoon here.
There are flaws to this, but the actual writing is fine and there are no problems with formatting. As I say, I found it entertaining and pretty funny, but I know people who would go nuts for this. If it was animated in a suitably bizarre way...well, I can definitely see it on screen.
Actually yeah the 12 minute running time was cause I was going for a Adult Swim style show and I'm glad you liked it.
I agree, it did kind of fall apart at the end and yeah it could use a rewrite. Yeah at the end they pretty much everyone is dead and just like shows on AS they come back. Continuity isn't a big concern here. But I agree, the ending needs more structure.
However, Parson's dialogue was uneven on purpose. The point being that at 128 years he's acquired a unique vernacular that spans over a century.
This was an interesting read. I thought this was pretty creative. I enjoyed this mostly but what let this down for me was the ending. I'm I to assume the sunlight killed everyone?
If so, it feels like an easy way to end this.
You have a few very funny lines sprinkled throughout.
You do have a few spelling and grammar errors in there.
Top of page four, Malcolm Moon...minions to do 'our' bidding!
You've capitalised dialogue which is unnecessary. There's a moment where you try to indicate a point. For the top of page two, it would be easier to write:
SQUIDO Touch them, touch them!
Page three, the graveyard scene. I would move Malcolm moon's dialogue to the previous scene.
Page nine, I'd have Parsons answer the door since he's a vampire and as vampires crave blood, this might be better? It would soon better with the craving line.
You need to add a few periods here & there.
Overall, an interesting read, only the ending needs to be jazzed up.