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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Honeymoon is Over Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Honeymoon is Over  (currently 1858 views)
Don
Posted: January 25th, 2009, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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The Honeymoon is Over by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Drama - When a devoted father's patience is pushed too far by his alcholic wife he must answer to her violent father. The honeymoon is truly over. 19 pages - pdf, format


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mcornetto  -  January 25th, 2009, 5:56pm
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stebrown
Posted: January 25th, 2009, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for putting this up, Don.

If any kindly mod would be able to change the name of the script to 'The Honeymoon is Over', I would gladly buy you a hamburger next Tuesday.

Any feedback is appreciated. Especially, angles to extend the script. Let me know a script to read in return too.

Nice one

Ste


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tonkatough
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 4:16am Report to Moderator
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Very good script this one. I was really getting into it. I was so absorbed that I was shocked when I ran out of pages.

There is nothing more thrilling then a story about miserable people worse off then yourself.

Normally it is the woman and children who cop abuse from jaded angry husband. Awesome to see you flip it around and have the mother stomp all over her husband and child. She was a great character- a nasty peice of work how she use her father to hurl hell upon her husband. A  joy to read.

my only complaint is that you had plenty of room to throw in Creepy Narrative Bear into this script and you didn't. very dissapointed.  







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sniper
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste,

Let's get the boring stuff out of the way right away.

When you write a continuous scene that takes place in several different room in the same apartment, you really don't need to write out the sluglines in full for each room. You can easily get away with just writing example LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (and the CONTINUOUS isn't really nessecary).

I thought you wrote a very powerful story here, very engaging. The structure was spot on in my book. Brian's speech at the wedding was really convincing, you (the reader) instantly knew what kind of guy he was. In fact, I thought all the main characters worked really well. Mary is just a fucking cunt, isn't she? But a beliable one no less - a girl who got pregnant and married way to soon in her life, which from her point of view, was just really starting, I'm sure.

The way Sam restrains himself was agonizingly realistic, I really wanted him to crack her skull open, but at the same time, I knew exactly why he didn't do it.

The end was so sudden though, I was like "What? Where's the rest?". I just so badly wanted Sam to walk away with a clear "victory" of sorts. I guess it works as it is, but this piece imo just needs a happy ending - however much Hollywood'ish that would seem.

Solid effort. Kudos.

Cheers
Rob


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JonnyBoy
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste, gave this a read.

I agree with the other reviews that this was interesting enough for me to want it to go on past the nineteen pages.

I'm a Newcastle fan myself - can't really remember why, but I can't turn back now - so the 'Newcastle are going to win the Premiership' line raised a bitter smile.

I personally just needed a bit more of the two of them being happy. All we get is a wedding reception where they're not even the main focus of the scene, And since the short is called The Honeymoon is Over, perhaps show a bit of the honeymoon? Maybe. I just never got to see nice Mary. I know Sam probably married her because she was pregnant and he felt it was the right thing to do, but was she always a bitch? Were they ever in love?

Sniper said that he liked Brian's wedding speech...to me, I think you overdid it a bit. I understand you were trying to show us Brian's character, foreshadow what was going to happen, but I think it all seemed to be laid on a little thick. He's a 'family man', 'we look after our own', 'as long as Sam here treats my princess right, he'll be alright'. For me, it was too much. Another scene I found slightly overpowering was the scene where Sam goes to comfort Emily, and within twenty seconds she's giggling. A cute moment, but too cute for me.

I think Mary was wonderfully bitchy, Brian a very-well characterized dick, and Sam a nice, sympathetic character. I particularly liked the bit where Mary assumes she's irresistable, but Sam just uses the opportunity to escape. The violence of the Brian/Sam confrontations was perhaps slightly too strong for me. Actually, that's not quite right. The final confrontation was fine, but it was undermined slightly by the fact that the first fight is almost AS violent. Some sense of build-up, of climax, might work better.

Time-line wise, I had a few issues, but that's probably just me being stupid. So the opening scene is two years after the wedding, and Mary is seven/eight months pregnant. Since I'm guessing the two didn't stay together after Sam twatted Brian with a poker, how could he be the father? And has Brian been in the hospital for the two years between the flashback and the present? The chronological order was hard to follow for me. Also, the intervening period between the flashback and the present...does Sam go to jail? Who called the police and sent them to Jean's house? Bear in mind this is probably me being thick.

You say you want angles to extend this script...I do have a suggestion, but it might seem a strange one. I know it sounds odd, but the film this reminded me of was Kramer vs. Kramer. Probably because of the abandoned husband thing. So my suggestion is you go down the custody battle line. Have the beginning be the opening of the case. Introduce the characters - Sam arriving with Emily, Mary with Brian - but lead us to wonder what happened to make everyone so bitter. Tell the violent story through flashbacks (it could act, in a way, as Sam's testimony to the court). I thought at the end that Mary seemed to have geniunely changed. So perhaps when she goes into labour with her new baby, have the two reconcile at the hospital, and end with optimism for the future. Again, the nice thing about the end of Kramer vs. Kramer is that Meryl Streep's character does get her redemption, and there is hope, but no definitive moment of closure. Just a suggestion that things are going to be all right. That, to me, is your angle. I'll admit it might seem an odd suggestion, though.

Sorry about the messy feedback. Hope there's something useful buried in there!

Jon


Guess who's back? Back again?

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directoboy12
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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I dug this, it really was a fast read, its started well and delivered through out. I agree with Jonnyboy that some more scenes of Sam and Mary being happy would do wonders to the way the audience feels about the characters.  I really did feel for Sam and his actions seemed real and honest (Hell I woulda slapped that bitch too ) The last fight did seem to run on for too long and get a little overly violent, maybe only one hit to the head and he is knocked out.  But overall this was a strong effort.

Tanner


Check out my Script:

Feature:
"Candy: Inspired by the Houston Mass Murders"
Horror, Drama - 15 year old drunkard Wayne Henley gets caught up in procuring his teenage friends for a serial killing psychopath. 117 pages
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stebrown
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the taking a look.


Quoted from tonkatough

Normally it is the woman and children who cop abuse from jaded angry husband. Awesome to see you flip it around and have the mother stomp all over her husband and child. She was a great character- a nasty peice of work how she use her father to hurl hell upon her husband.


Yeah, I'm a bit bored of the whole beat-up wife story but I like the drama of an abusive relationship in a story so thought I'd switch it around. Something really unpleasant about someone being bullied by someone weaker than them I think.


Quoted from tonkatough

my only complaint is that you had plenty of room to throw in Creepy Narrative Bear into this script and you didn't. very dissapointed.


Haha, yeah sorry to dissapoint with that.


Quoted from sniper

When you write a continuous scene that takes place in several different room in the same apartment, you really don't need to write out the sluglines in full for each room. You can easily get away with just writing example LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (and the CONTINUOUS isn't really nessecary)


Yeah, I normally do at as you suggest there Rob. I got a few comments about it being difficult to follow though so thought I'd give the full stuff a go. I think it looks a bit chunky, so will edit that when doing the next draft.


Quoted from sniper

The end was so sudden though, I was like "What? Where's the rest?". I just so badly wanted Sam to walk away with a clear "victory" of sorts. I guess it works as it is, but this piece imo just needs a happy ending - however much Hollywood'ish that would seem.


I was going for a semi-happy ending, in that he finally stood up for himself. I was wanting to describe more how he walks out of the bar, head held high and stuff, sort of a walk of a winner but thought I'd just leave it up for interpretation. I'll definately have a think about possible happy endings, but one that I instantly threw out was him finding another woman. If I go the happy way I think I'll have it have an interesting twist to the whole thing.

I'll have a check of your new feature by the way mate, saw it was posted the other day.


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stebrown
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Quoted from JonnyBoy

I'm a Newcastle fan myself - can't really remember why, but I can't turn back now - so the 'Newcastle are going to win the Premiership' line raised a bitter smile.


Yeah, I'm a toon fan too. Haha, you have my sympathies for the stick you'll be getting from the Chelsea, Man U and Arsenal fans around you.


Quoted from JonnyBoy

I personally just needed a bit more of the two of them being happy. All we get is a wedding reception where they're not even the main focus of the scene, And since the short is called The Honeymoon is Over, perhaps show a bit of the honeymoon? Maybe. I just never got to see nice Mary. I know Sam probably married her because she was pregnant and he felt it was the right thing to do, but was she always a b****? Were they ever in love?


I know what you're saying mate, but after the wedding they were never in love. She's using him for the money and because he's a soft touch he'll look after the kid while she goes out on the lash. If I was going to do that I think I would have to show them before the wedding or maybe one scene showing the first sign that she's an utter bitch haha. I'll have a think.


Quoted from JonnyBoy

Another scene I found slightly overpowering was the scene where Sam goes to comfort Emily, and within twenty seconds she's giggling. A cute moment, but too cute for me.


The main point of that scene is to show how Sam needs Emily. She's kind of his security blanket, instead of the other way around. When he's saying 'We don't need her' He's constantly asking for reasurrances. I'm kind of wanting Sam to be pitied more than sympanthised with in the scene.


Quoted from JonnyBoy

So the opening scene is two years after the wedding, and Mary is seven/eight months pregnant.


Yeah. The rest of the flashback is when the baby is born though, so two years back the wedding when she is heavilly pregnant, next scene the baby is born so Emily can be over a year old.


Quoted from JonnyBoy

The final confrontation was fine, but it was undermined slightly by the fact that the first fight is almost AS violent. Some sense of build-up, of climax, might work better.


That's a good point and something I totally overlooked. Maybe, he just gets a slap the first time round. The second one is supposed to have a very first person perspective, unlike the first though, so I was hoping it would seem more brutal.

I love your Kramer -vs- Kramer idea, and if nothing else it means I'm going to have to add it to my lovefilm list. Haven't seen that for ages. The problem I have if I went down that alley, is I know nothing about law and courts and don't have the time really to study it enough to get away with.

You've given me plenty to think about though, so cheers.


Quoted from directoboy12

I dug this, it really was a fast read, its started well and delivered through out.


Cheers mate, pleased you liked it. I'll try to find a way to bring some happiness to the start of their married life, but I'm struggling at the minute.


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BryMo
Posted: January 27th, 2009, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure the story i read was fully realized and executed to its potential. I think, and this is just an idea, that maybe if you were to open up with a custody case between the two for the child then that could open up as to how these two got to that place in time.

And in the story theres only one "happy" scene. Personally, i'd like to see a scene where the two intrigue each other. He knows nothing about her and same other way around. I mean, was this girl always a bitch? Is she resentful that her life has wasted away and therefore become a drunk?

I don't want more "happy" scenes. Just where the two are intrigued by one another. In that question phase where you want to find out as much as possible.

Also, there's this saying.... in the beginning of every relationship a partner can have little quircks that amuses, but after living with it these quircks quickly turn in to annoyances. I don't know why i said that--just something to think about i guess.

Sam, to me, came off as a little bitch. But ... he is sensitive and ultimately the character we choose to follow and root for. I think you did that succesfully.

OH!...I do think the first confrontation scene between Brian and Sam could be less violent as you can allow that last fight to end with a BANG.

Cheers!

Bryan


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James R
Posted: January 27th, 2009, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Stephen. This was a very tight script and a good story. I wonder why Mary became so passive, though, at the end? She's only tough when she knows her dad will back her up?


Quoted Text
Looks like he could handle himself if needed. His eyes suggest he likes to find out more often than needed.

Loved this description of Brian. Must be some steely eyes.


Quoted Text
Mary raises her hand, covering his face and turns.

This was a little hard to follow. She covered Sam's face and left? I've never seen anyone do that.

Well done.

James


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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 28th, 2009, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey Stephen,
You did very well with this.  Everything is very real, including the emotion.  I found myself trying to restrain thoughts of wanting to slap Mary, thats how strong this was.

I really liked the ending too.  I was not at all expecting it, but from the beginning scene I was expecting a sort of lame get-back-together scene which would have made me puke, but you took it a different and much more satisfying route, thank god.

My only suggestion (and its a small one, sort of a "I know I have to suggest something but I don't know what to suggest" suggestion) is that maybe you should'nt have Brian be Mary's Dad, but her brother.  In my experience, Brothers are much more likely to beat you up for hurting his sister then a dad who's probably older and hopefully more mature.  Still totally works your way, but I wanted to suggest something.
-Tyler


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stebrown
Posted: January 28th, 2009, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the reads.

Bry

I'm starting to think this could work better as a feature. I thought it should probably be lengthened anyway, but didn't really know in which way. Have some good ideas now for how to expand this, but simply due to a lack of knowledge I'm gonna stay away from a custody case. I'm with you that that would work, but I think I would just make too many mistakes without putting a load of effort into research for the laws.

James

Yeah, you've got the reason for her becoming passive sussed there. That description you were wondering about was pretty much just a 'talk to the hand' type thing. Should probably be reworded though or ditched.

Tyler

I agree with you about how the story could have gone and wanted to stay away from a reconciliation. Maybe another way to expand this is to introduce her brother and have the dad a little bit more chilled out? Have the brother be the one that does the beatings but the Dad is still a psycho but just a bit more of a been there done that, mellowed out now but will still bite your nose off if pushed kind of guy.

I'm thinking of extending the wedding reception scene a bit more to let Mary's family be better introduced. Where she came from, ya know?

Thanks again

Ste


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Lightfoot
Posted: January 28th, 2009, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a great story, very gripping. I was so into it the ending seem to come too soon.

I think it'll be a great idea to extend the wedding scene and to let us know her family more,

"just my thoughts" but I think this scene will be a great opportunity to also show us or at least give us more of a hint that she has a drinking problem.
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Colkurtz8
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Ste

Straight off the bat I'm into this after learning of your influence, it's a great book. Funnily enough I'm reading one of Bukowski's collection of short stories at the moment. It reminds me a lot of the "Acid House" in terms of structure & themes.

Anyway your script.

It starts well, the dialogue is simple & realistic. The flashback fits perfectly, it gives us the background of the two characters in a few lines, very economical.

Ya, man poor toon. 12 points, huh? So close yet so...ok I'll stop now, sorry.

I definitely get the British feel off it, I can picture the crumby boozer - the old men playing cards, a beer stained pool table occupying a corner that doesn’t have room for cushion shots, those blasted gambling machines I fu?king hate them. Yep I know these kind of bars all too well, man.

Having the wedding reception in a social club, ha, that is so in the vein of Welsh's characters. Dead beats from the wrong side of the tracks, with limited means but making the best their bad situation.

Good speech from Brian, quite touching in slightly threatening way...if that makes sense.

The confrontation while Mary sits on the bowl is classic. It would work very well on screen. Doesn't do anything for Mary though, (Spitting on the face is just nasty) she is already looking like the bad guy, but I expect to see the other side of the coin too.

The super comes on so soon after -- “The Honeymoon is over” no messin’ about here it’s clear from now on the pleasantries are gone out the window. This relationship has turned sour in a drastic way.

It's so sudden, the stark contrast all in the space of one page, nearly comical as it is tragic. However, when we learn of Emily’s existence everthing has suddenly leaned considerably towards the latter.

MARY (CONT’D)
When my dad finds out about this,
he’s going to fucking kill you!

-- Oooh I was waiting for it. I take it we are gonna see that foreboding side of Brian.

Pg 10 - 11 -- Yep he came through for me, a very well executed sequence too I might add.

"the bairn’s" -- Get some of the lingo in, nice.

JEAN
For god’s sake, son, don’t open up. -- The first awkward line in the piece. I think you should leave out the "open up" & end with “...” after "don't".

It doesn't fit anyway but even more so since Brian has already said " Open up" Having Jean repeat it sounds a tad robotic in my opinion.

"Sam calms himself but his eyes betray his fear." -- Should this not be "Sam calms himself but his eyes betray his demeanour or body language" thus indicating that he is in fact sacred sh?tless.

I liked the ending it fitted well & was essentially a happy one even if someone did end up in hospital. I just wonder about the repercussions Sam who have faced between both the father & the law. He did beat him with a poker after all, it’s not gonna look good for him when the pigs arrive on the scene.

We never saw the flip side that I anticipated. She was a cu?t and that was it, Sam was the good guy, effective reversal of roles too, against the norm.

Yeah, man this was excellent, really got into the characters and felt for them. One of the best I've read on here, no jokes. I wonder how the Americans on the site will receive it has it is full of phrases & colloquialisms, (I went into this on the blind side, didn't read any comments... expecting raves)

A worthy tribute to Mr Welsh, sir. It was a tricky genre to take on -- many pitfalls but you handled it with aplomb. Not to mention packing more than a fair share of intensity & bite in there, throughout the piece.

Engaging, gritty stuff, well done.

Col.


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stebrown
Posted: January 29th, 2009, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Lightfoot, pleased you enjoyed it.

I've pretty much made my mind up to extend this to a feature and that'll be the main scene for character development. The drink problem, given a feature length page count, could be a little more subtle aswell.

Thanks Col for that detailed review.

I'm struggling to think of a way of showing another side to Mary. I know what you're saying about having some kindness to her, so will continue to rack my brains.

Pleased you enjoyed it. Hopefully I can keep the same feel at 90+ pages.


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