88 Keys by Mike Shelton - Short, Comedy - Buddy, The Friendly Piano Man is about to play for a whole new audience...adults. 11 pages - pdf, format

That was good Mike!

Excellent writing and dialogue...  Glad you stuck to present tense. Reads better IMHO, but no big deal in the big scheme of things I suppose.

My only suggestion would be to have a tad punchier ending. To end on a memorable note so to speak.  

I agree with Pia.  This was a good script.  I felt Buddy's anxiety while he was on stage.  I also agree with her that the ending needs a little more punch to it.  It just kinda trailed off.


Phil

Thanks for reading guys, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I wondered a little about the ending myself, since it does come off as a little abrupt even though it does make sense.  

I'm definitely open to suggestions on it.

A more punchier/funnier last line from him would fix it.

It does make sense in the real world, but....


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe It does make sense in the real world, but....

I think it makes sense here too.  Tex is a jackass.

Hey Mike,

Of course, I liked this one too.
Tex is a jackass.  

As for a suggestion...

Well, Tex was upset about the improper touching song Buddy sang.
Maybe Buddy could say something funny at the end, accusing Tex of an improper touch.             ???  Or sing it again. ???

Just a thought.

Cindy

Quoted from Shelton I think it makes sense here too.  Tex is a jackass.

That's not what I meant.  I meant that, in the real world, the ending would work.  A simple fade out.  Here, however, it's not enough.


Phil

Hey Mike,

When your opening slug reads "INT. HA HA HOUSE", you got me hooked right away. Brilliant.

"It’s not improper touching if it’s family!" gd!

I think you did a good job of setting everything up all around; Buddy, Tex, the club, the original set. I like how Buddy adapts to the crowd and the situation, and the songs were pretty damn funny.

The end however sort of...fizzled out I think. I was waiting for a much bigger punchline, well, actually just a punchline. This just doesn't feel right. Something is missing here for it to work all the way through.

Solidly written though.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Sniper,

Thanks for reading.  Glad you liked it.

Does anyone agree disagree that another impromptu song might work?  Something where Buddy digs into Tex, perhaps?

yes. I think that could work.

I don't know. Maybe. It could, but it would have to be pretty damn good. Something that embarrass Tex - maybe sexually.

Quoted from Shelton Does anyone agree disagree that another impromptu song might work?  Something where Buddy digs into Tex, perhaps?

No, that is not what this needs.

Aside from the petered-out ending, the character of Bob is kind of weak here.  The owner of the club should have more presence.  At least give him a cigar or something.  And perhaps the very last word of the logline gives too much away -- you could do without that if you wanted to -- hold a little more back.

I am not sure what to do about the end.  Perhaps something involving children that recognize him from a previous gig?

Maybe Bob has kids that have seen Buddy at a party -- they just happen to be there tonight and this "new act" kind of blows their little minds?

Personally, I didn’t see Tex as all that major of a character. For me, it was more about Buddy, his act, and the audience.

I think you should concentrate more on how Buddy wins over the audience. More of the heckler and that type of interaction. Everyone loves to see a performer cleverly handle a heckler. The part where the heckler says he wears Velcro and Buddy responds with, “Maybe my song will help you become a big boy,” is terrific. I think that’s the type of stuff you need more of. More parts where Buddy’s children’s show peculiarly seems to work despite the situation. To me, the audience interaction seemed to become more generic after that point.

As far as the ending, I think it could be fixed simply by adding on a scene later where Buddy is introduced to an audience that full well knows who he is and is excited about his show. This guy who was a mediocre children’s entertainer at best is somehow transformed into a hot performer with adults even though he really isn’t performing all that differently.

My opinion anyway. I saw spots of genuine inspiration and spots that seemed forced and uninspired. Maybe a more Woody Allen approach would work here. Just some thoughts.


Breanne