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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  RX Persona Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 1st, 2009, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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RX Persona by Ryan Jenkins - Short - "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"  Eden Pharmaceuticals motto for their drug line of personality altering drugs.  Want to be a lady's man.  Take a pill.  Will, a sardonic, white collar worker addicted to the drug finds it's okay to be yourself.   6 pages - pdf, format


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jerdol
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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90% of the description in this script is invisible in a movie.  Unless you write it as literal narration, your description is solely for the director/producer to visualize what's going on.  Your comments may work in a short story, but a screenplay is meant to be the basis of a movie, not merely to be read.  Keep that in mind every line you write - think how it will look in the end.

The substance of the script was rather bland, IMO.  He takes drugs, woman asks him not to, he doesn't.  There's no real understanding of what the drugs are, what the negative consequences of them are, or why he agreed to stop.  We have the plot, but not the theme the plot is supposed to b servicing.


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