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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror  ›  Fury Moderators: bert
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Posted: February 22nd, 2009, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Fury by Peter Pearson - Horror - Chris, a recovering alcoholic, has a dark past that will soon come back to haunt him and his family. 121 pages - pdf, format


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: February 22nd, 2009, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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I could not read this. Right off the bat, I noticed two things -- your first three lines are screams. You need to DESCRIBE sreams, not put them in dialogue.

Secondly, you need to CAPITALIZE the characters' names when you first introduce them. This is a must. The only script I can remember that didn't capitalize character introductions is a very early draft of Donnie Darko, and I'm sure the final draft did do it.

If an exec read this, he/she would put it in the garbage bin just for these two simple mistakes. It has nothing to do with the quality of your story -- I'm sure it's great -- it has to do with basic screenwriting standards.  

I would suggest you polish this up and then re-post it.


--Julio


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escapist
Posted: February 23rd, 2009, 2:56am Report to Moderator
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Fulci lives!

That's what I thought as I was reaching the end of your script.  And I guess that's both good and bad.

But first off, Julio is 100% correct.  You aren't adhering to scriptwriting standards, and this will get your script tossed by any reader.  In addition to not capitalizing characters when they're mentioned, you actually stop introducing characters partway through - they simply appear with dialogue, and no introduction is given whatsoever.  This is a huge problem.  For example, Dom appears out of nowhere.  And he's not the only one.

The script starts off great, with an engaging, creepy scene.  The storyline with Chris as a child is rather interesting too.  It's a bit confusing, which I don't see as a problem so much until the masked invaders arrive (I'd recommend going with the term "masked invader" over "invader-masked man", too.  simpler, you know?)  At this point I"m not really sure what's real, and what's not.

Switching to Jane and Mary as young adults alleviates the confusion a bit, gives me a break.  Unfortunately it also deviates from the storyline you've already established and focuses on entirely new situations.  Chris has to take a backseat here, which I don't mind, except that he's still the one driving the storyline as we know it.  Jane and Mary are interesting enough characters, but all the time spent here isn't really contributing enough to the plot, imo.

By act 3, I've totally lost track of what's going on.  It's just creepy dudes (I got the impression that there were several Masked Men...I may be off here) runny around killing people.  This is why it feels like Fulci to me.  You've got this aura of gothic creepiness, people getting buried alive, weird religious overtones.  But I'm at a total loss for why things are happening.  It's like a jumbled nightmare.  Basically, I'd call this a solid B horror flick.

Most importantly, I think you need to tighten up your storyline.  You raise a lot of questions at the beginning, which is good.  But by the end, they aren't really answered.  I understand that all of these people are getting killed for their sins, but why?  Where did this Masked Man (men?) come from?  What is this cult that you only vaguely hint at?  Why is Chris important?  You hint at the anti-christ, but what does that have to do with anything?  Isn't the Masked Man anti-christ enough?  Who the heck is Derek?

Also, I found your action really hard to follow, omission of detail and overuse of pronouns being the primary contributing factors.  I think you need to be more descriptive in the scenes where attacks are happening, but also in general, such as scene descriptions.  The scene in "The Middle of Nowhere" with the Unknown Man near the end is a great example of this - I couldn't follow the action at all.

There were several smaller issues I had in specific places, situations that seemed a bit unrealistic.  Examples include the priest's abrupt cancellation of mass, the unexpected and offscreen rape attempt by Michael, James' and the Old Man's random digging excursion, and Derek's "plot advancement" soliloquoy.

Additionally, you have a lot of spelling errors.  One of which was particularly prominent.  To quote Strong Bad:

Quoted Text
"Y-O-U-R," "Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E,"
They're as different as night and day.
Don't you think that night and day are different?
What's wrong with you?


  The good news is that I think you got this one wrong every time...so you should be able to do a simple find/replace to fix it.  If scriptwriting software has that...which I'm not sure about.  You also frequently switched "their" and "there".  Some occasional mix ups with "lets" and "let's" as well.  Pallbearers, not Paul bearers.  There was a humorous substitution of "waste" for "waist" when Stu and Jane were in the woods.  A crucifix is a cross, a crucifixion is somebody actually nailed to the cross.  You repeatedly use the word "floor" when people are outside, rather than the word "ground".  Coffins don't have doors, they have lids.

As a final note, I have the question the title.  There really isn't anything to do with fury in this script, as far as I can tell.  The theme seems to be more along the lines of sin and punishment.

Anyway, hope that helps.  I'm no expert, but I'd say this is a pretty solid effort for a first feature.  I'd like to see your next draft.


I have nothing that you can read.
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Muse32
Posted: February 23rd, 2009, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ReaperCreeper
I could not read this. Right off the bat, I noticed two things -- your first three lines are screams. You need to DESCRIBE sreams, not put them in dialogue.

Secondly, you need to CAPITALIZE the characters' names when you first introduce them. This is a must. The only script I can remember that didn't capitalize character introductions is a very early draft of Donnie Darko, and I'm sure the final draft did do it.

If an exec read this, he/she would put it in the garbage bin just for these two simple mistakes. It has nothing to do with the quality of your story -- I'm sure it's great -- it has to do with basic screenwriting standards.  

I would suggest you polish this up and then re-post it.


--Julio


I'll try and rectify this right away, and try to make things more clearer too.





SPOILER ALERT!!





Thanks escapist for reading this even though it didn't meet the correct standards.

Yeah I agree, masked invader does sound better, i'll use that. The Invader scene is the result of the drugs that was injected, though I thought it would be good to mess with the character's head a bit more.

The Invader scene is really introducing Jane and Mary; Mary's goal throughout the story is really to be with her father which she is against for all the wrong reasons. Kind of like, if you were taking away from your kids, nothing would stop you trying to keep in touch with them, and that's what Chris is doing. Though Chris is having his own strange experiences in the Asylum, which is another story to keep things interesting.

The un-realistic parts, I'll work on those, but the cancellation of mass conflicts with the original (still writing), The attack with Jane and Michael, I'll re-write that part and the middle of nowhere scene, that's an eye into the Masked man's past, needs writing better, but it will make sense.

Ah, there isn't several masked man, just the one. HE IS GOD's FURY! The Anti-Christ is merely nothing but a target for him to suppress, which is in Mary. The Unkown man in the middle of nowhere, a large cross on the hills, the wounds on his hands and feet... The unknown man is Christ and the Man attacking his is his brother - the Masked Man (the mask is Christ's skin). the birth before hand, I tried to show that, though I guess alot of it wasn't written clearerly enough; i'll try my best to do this in the next few days and get it back up in more refined.

As for descriptive writing, I'm terrible at and I hope I can improve slightly in the next part, hopefully make the script shorter too.

-- Working on the Draft now.


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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Scoob
Posted: February 25th, 2009, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

Thanks for reading my Halloween script, and I will certainly give this one a read when the new draft is posted.

Had a quick look at some of the previous posts and apart from the problems that I take you are sorting out, it sounds pretty cool to be honest!

Look forward to checking this one out,



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Muse32
Posted: February 26th, 2009, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scoob
Hey,

Thanks for reading my Halloween script, and I will certainly give this one a read when the new draft is posted.

Had a quick look at some of the previous posts and apart from the problems that I take you are sorting out, it sounds pretty cool to be honest!

Look forward to checking this one out,


Thanks man, I'm hoping to get it finished by either Sunday or Monday.

I'll re-post another message then, so everyone can read.


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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Muse32
Posted: June 13th, 2009, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hello everyone

I'm having a bit of trouble with my script, I'm trying to make it an original Epic story; but I think I may be drowning the story with way too much going on, it's kind of similar to Stephen Kings IT in being in two parts; but as a whole. I'm trying to go for a strong Drama yet a Psychological Horror, just want to execute it properly.

I'm at 122 pages at the moment, I've cut and added some scenes since my original post, but I don't want to keep re-uploading drafts every so often as I'm sure it will become quite annoying.

I dunno whether to boost it up or down some pages but I don't want to lose the subplots and the main plot of the story. Also I'm stuggling a bit with descriptive writing.


Also one more thing, I'm struggling on a good description of my story:

Two thousand years ago, Christ was born... But he wasn't the only one. God had another son, a one of Wrath and Fury, born the same night, he was taken and hidden away by a cult... But now his time has come, two thousand years later, in a small Disturbed town, lays the seed to the Anti-Christ. Only Chris, is in the way...

OR

A dark past of Chris's childhood is blocked out from his head. Wanting to know the truth he seeks help through a Psychologist, who gives him the tapes of his sessions, which trigger flashbacks from his past that may help him protect his family from the Dark Christ.



Any advice?


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Muse32  -  June 14th, 2009, 5:35am
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 14th, 2009, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Muse, I'll take a look at your script tomorrow.  E-Mail what you currently have over to me.

I'll give you all the help I can.


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Muse32
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Hey Muse, I'll take a look at your script tomorrow.  E-Mail what you currently have over to me.

I'll give you all the help I can.



Hey Dreamscale, its in the title (PDF file of what it currently looks like) ...Oh yeah, I took your advice with the masked invaders, they have names now according to their masks.

This would have been fully finished by now if my computer never broke, two months apart from this project was a long time.

I'm thinking of revamping the last quarter with new scenes and gettting rid of some old ones and deaths. I've got too much story in me for this for it to be a short script, but if I turn it into 2 parts it may drag and be boring, depending on how I do it - but I'm enjoying this mixture of past and present intertwining.


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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OK, I thought it sounded like you were still working on it and were in some need of help, based on your last poist.

Did I read this before?  Give me some details.


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Muse32
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Quoted from Dreamscale
OK, I thought it sounded like you were still working on it and were in some need of help, based on your last poist.

Did I read this before?  Give me some details.


You read a scene I sent you a while back about the Invaders.

Yeah, I'm still working on this, due to it being quite a complex story for me, it's not straight forward.


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Peter, I took notes as I went along.  You will see many details of suggestions, recommendations, and issues within your script.  I somehow lost the link after getting through 6 pages.  I can’t seem to reopen the script, so I don’t know what happened, but I’m going to stop there, as it’s just getting to be way too time consuming.  There are problems and issues on just about every single line, IMO, and I just can’t continue.

I think you know I’m trying to help you out here, so please don’t take all this as harsh or mean.  I’m sure most wouldn’t bring all this stuff up, and maybe wouldn’t even see it as being wrong, but for me, it jumps out at me, and I want to draw your attention to it so you can hopefully take it to heart, learn the craft, and improve your writing.

Your opening scene is engaging and full of potential, but based on the way it’s written and set up, it doesn’t live up to that potential at all.  You may have a very interesting story here, but again, based on the writing issues, most won’t continue reading to realize this.

I’m going to be very detailed and even downright nit picky.  Many writers don’t “need” this level of feedback, and definitely won’t want it.  But I have a feeling you do need it and that it will help you.  So take this all with a shaker of salt.

I think your main issues are threefold…awkward writing, Over writing (being too descriptive when you don’t need to be), and Under writing (not being descriptive enough when you do need to be).  Let’s look at each one.

Awkward writing is really hard to nail down with a good description, or even a good fix.  To me, it’s very clear and obvious when something is written awkwardly.  I mean it either is, or it isn’t.  I think my main advice would be to try to write more simple sentences to start, and expand on them from there.  You have quite a few examples of very compound sentences that convey too many thoughts and ideas that should be broken up.  You also have some examples of sentences that are kind of flipped around, meaning the main part of the sentence is being conveyed secondly, making it awkward.  You’ve used a number of semicolons in your compound sentences, and most are used incorrectly.  I’d recommend not using semi colons at all in your script writing.  Again, it’s really tough to give advice here other than just saying, don’t write awkward sentences, but I know that doesn’t do any good.

Over writing is very common for beginning writers (and even for experienced writers at times).  It means giving too many unnecessary details, which do nothing but add to the length of your script and detract your readers attention away from what’s important.  Examples are describing characters clothing and physical looks, or minute details of a setting, (colors of the walls, furniture, etc.).  It also involves writing unfilmables.  Unfilmables are emotions and information about characters that can’t be transferred onscreen.  They are things that we wouldn’t know watching a filmed version, unless you told us.  There are lots of examples of these in the first 6 pages, and they should all go.

Under writing is not properly setting your scenes, making it difficult to get a visual of what’s going on.  It’s not including things that are important to a scene or action taking place.  You want your reader to have a pretty clear picture of what’s talking place onscreen…you want us to be able to watch your movie in our own heads, based on your writing.  When you omit important information or the like, we have to stop, and reread the passage again to see if we missed something…or if you missed something.  I found numerous examples of important omissions in the opening scene that made it almost impossible for me to understand what was taking place.

So, these things are tough to master for sure.  Read as many scripts as you can and se how things flow.  Check out sentence structure, and see how you can visualize what’s talking place.  When you can’t, chances are good that there’s a problem with the writing, or maybe the wording. When you find such examples, try and rewrite them yourself and see how it improves the overall scene.

Practice makes perfect…or so they say.  But any way you look at it, the more experience you give yourself, the better your writing is going to be.

I’m going to go over the first few pages in great detail.  I want you to be able to do the same thing with the rest of the script.  There are always ways of shortening the length, without taking anything that makes any difference out of the script itself.

Page 1 – Opening slug – Don’t include “raining” or any other weather detail in slugs.

“Puddles of mud ripple as the rain splashes down from the dark heavens.” – OK, check this out…since I’m recommending taking “raining” out of your slug, you’ll also need to take out “the” from the opening line.  I also recommend taking out “from the dark heavens” for 2 reasons…first, since you have “night” in your slug, you’re being repetitive here (wasting space in a script that you already know is too long), and secondly, because you’re calling for 2 totally different shots in this 1 line (and I don’t think it’s what you really want).  You’re opening up with the puddles of mud, then you’re calling for a shot of the dark sky, which I don’t think you want or need…we know it’s night, cause it’ll be dark.  This simple change, which changes nothing in your script, saves you 1 line, right off the bat!

“Blindfolded, tied up and gagged; she lays there next to an open grave, crying her heart out.” – OK, a bunch of issues here…first of all, “lays” is not correct…it should be “lies”.  There is a great website that can help with tricky words like this…http://www.grammarcheck.com/archives/07-2005.htm.  Secondly, I’d rework the entire sentence, and flip it around like this…”She lies next to an open grave, tied up, blindfolded, and gagged.”  She can’t really cry, being gagged, and since she’s blindfolded, we probably can’t see any tears anyway, so you can save yourself 5 words here, and not miss anything at all.

“Heavy breathing escapes from the open grave as a PERSON digs deeper.” – OK question – are you intending on showing the inside of the grave, and the person digging?  If so, that’s OK, but I’m not sure you really are intending on showing the person digging already.

“Leah stops crying and listens as the rain runs down her restless body and onto the disturbed holy ground.” – So, if you do agree to take out the above “crying reference, you’ll have to do it here as well.  But there’s another issue here…it’s the overwriting that is most likely the reason your script is running long.  “restless” is unnecessary.  So is “and onto the disturbed holy ground.”  If you take these out, you don’t lose a single thing, but you gain valuable space.

“She turns her head, and an arm rapidly ascends out of the open grave; Tightly gripping onto her gritty hair.”  – get rid of “;” and use a comma. Also, don’t cap the “T” in “tightly”.  But, I’d recommend writing it like this, “As she turns her head, a hand rapidly ascends from the open grave, and grabs a hold of her filthy hair.”  - This way, you do away with the passive “gripping”, which isn’t a good choice of verbs anyway, considering the hand has to grab before it can grip.

“She cries out beyond the muffled gag.” – What is this line supposed to be saying?  It doesn’t do anything for me at all.

“Another hand rapidly surges forward, grasping her shivering arm and drags Leah into the open grave.” – Here’s my rewrite, “Another hand surges forward, grasps her arm, and drags her into the grave.” – You do away with the passive “grasping”, and unnecessary “rapidly”, “shivering”, and “open”, which you’ve said several times now.


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Part 2

Your next slug has a problem…you need a time…I’d recommend “Continuous”, as that’s what it is…but…there could be some issues here.  Question – are you really going to a new scene here?  I don’t think you are. I understand that Leah is now in the open grave with whoever pulled her in, but are you wanting to shoot from within the open grave, or above it?  It’s a tough call, but I think I’d recommend not even adding a new slug, and keeping the action flowing from above.

“Leah crashes down to the ground, winding her in the process.” – I don’t think you need the phrase about her being “winded” cause it’s not something we can see, or can be filmed.

“The filthy gag is violently ripped away from around her mouth; She coughs out, gasping for more oxygen.” – What are we seeing as this is taking place?  What is ripping away the gag?  Is this supposed to be some sort of C.U. on her face as it’s happening?

“The blindfold is then stripped away to reveal an eyeless, decomposed corpse staring back at her, Leah screams.” – Same thing here…what is stripping away the blindfold?  Now, the next phrase appears to be a P.O.V. shot, but the way it’s worded, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, and I just can’t picture what’s going on here.

“She looks up and sees a dark figure standing over her, lightning flashes and lights up the DARK CHRIST, wearing a drenched, long back coat and wearing a decayed mask, made
of human flesh.” – Again, very, very confusing, based on the way you’ve written it.  She just saw a decomposed corpse, which I imagine was below her…as in she must have landed on it, when she was tossed into this open grave.  Now, you’re saying that she “looks up” and sees this figure (who we know is also inside of the open grave).  If nothing else, you need to replace the comma after “her” and use a period, and start a new sentence with “Lightning flashes…”.  Your description of this “Dark Christ” needs some work also.  You use “wearing” twice.

Stop using “;”.  Use either commas or periods and make sure you’re writing actual sentences.

“The Dark Christ grips her hair with his right hand, tightens and forces her head towards the corpses.” – What corpses?  You haven’t set the scene properly.  You mentioned 1 corpse earlier, but now you’re saying there are several, so I just can’t get a visual of what this open grave looks like, what’s inside, etc.  It’s all very unclear, and one thing…THE MAIN THING, that you want to do with your writing is make it clear and precise, so that your readers know exactly what is going on and can get a clear visual of what’s happening.
  
“TUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!” – Obviously, I have no clue what this is supposed to mean, or even how it’s supposed to sound.  I am not familiar with a word like “Tuer”, so I am hoping that you’re going to fill us in on this later.


Page 2 – “She screams pleading.” – Awkwardly phrased.

“The Dark Christ pushes her face further. Leah screams as the tip of her nose breaks through the decayed flesh.” – Pushes her face further into, or towards what?  Again, I just have no clue what’s happening here, and can’t for the life of me picture this.  What decaying flesh is her nose pushing through?  His mask?  The corpses?  You need to clean this up so it’s clear what’s happening.

“MIRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!” – Again, no clue what this word is or how it sounds.

“Leah’s other half STEVEN, 32, scruffy looking, dressed in dirty jeans and football jersey, swigs a mouthful of his beer from his chilled can.” – OK, let’s look at this sentence and see how we can make it better, tighter, and save space, that you obviously need to save. – “other half” can’t be filmed and won’t come across onscreen, so lose it.  I don’t think we need the level of description here for Steven, who’s about to be killed in a few lines.  Also, no need for either of the “his”.  How about this rewrite, “STEVEN, 32, scruffy in a football jersey, swigs a beer.” – See how you can save literally 2 lines by rewriting this?  I’m not saying my rewrite is flawless, but it says exactly the same thing and saves you 2 entire lines!!!

Steven is a complete and total jackass!  This scene is slightly overwritten as well, with “the inches into his throat” thing, but not too bad.  OK, let’s see where this is going, cause it sure comes out of left field.

Page 3 - Get rid of “raining” in your new slug again.

Get rid of “Baptizing her in filth.”, as it’s first of all not a complete thought, and should be connected to the sentence in front of it with a comma, but more importantly, it’s a waste of space and doesn’t say or do anything that will be seen onscreen.

OK, so the Dark Christ was in the open grave with Leah earlier, so he obviously got out, and is standing above it, which you need to tell us.  That water sure filled the open grave quickly!  I think this comes off weird because again, you didn’t describe what’s taking place very well, nor is the setting well described.

“Chris’s Dad’s Car” is a rough slug heading.  Not sure what to recommend yet.

Way too much detail about what Chris is wearing – we don’t care!
Same with Chris’s Dad…we don’t care what he’s wearing (other than a suit, if it’s important).  If Chris’s Dad and Mom are semi important characters, they need better names.

The radio news broadcast – “went” should be “gone”.  Why is there a break after “four” on the bottom of the page?

Page 4 – Incorrect use of “;” again, and then an incorrectly capped word following it.

New slug needs a time again…I’d recommend “Continuous”.

New slug needs a time again – always give a time in your slugs!  (Day, Night, Continuous, Moments Later, Later, etc…something!)  I don’t know if “Lobby” makes a lot of sense in a Catholic church, but I could be wrong here.

What “same old faces”?  Also, again, way too much description of what Sara is wearing.

Page 5 – Why is “the” in front of “Father Miller”?  Get rid of “a” in front of “facial features”.  We don’t care about his parted hair.  Peter, c’mon man  You’ve got to get rid of all this unnecessary information. This is exactly why your script is running way too long.

“Chris’s Dad walks into the Chapel, Chris watches Father Miller walk over to an old wooden door.” – This sentence is actually 2 sentences that should be broken up where you have a comma.

Sara seems to appear out of nowhere.

“ANDREW, 13, a boy who bullies Chris at school, pushes past Chris from behind and knocks him to the floor” – missing a period at the end of this sentence.  Also, and more importantly, “a boy who bullies Chris at school” is completely unnecessary and unfilmable.  Just a waste of 7 words.  Get rid of it!

A bunch of missing periods near the bottom of this page.

Page 6 – “Sarah looks at Chris.” – Another wasted phrase, as it doesn’t tell us anything or do anything.  I would assume she’s already looking at him, since they’re talking, right?

How do we know the “howl” is coming from behind the wooden door?  

“He carries on past Sara and Chris and one or two other people lingering in the
lobby as if nothing happened.” – OK, another great example of wasted words.  Check this out…”He walks past, as if nothing was wrong.” – Is there any difference here?  Well, yeah, there’s 1…my rewrite is a line less.

Slug missing a time again.

The “bottom” of what?  Awkward!

Father Miller’s speech – “you’re” should be “your”.  “…gonna have to…” – Doesn’t sound right for a Catholic priest to speak this way…he should be much more formal and grammatically correct, IMO.

“Everyone in the chapel begin talking.” – I’d lose this sentence.  Also, “begin” is not correct, and you don’t want to use words like “begin” or “begins” anyway.

“Sara sits with her shivering back up against her cold damp wall, the wall paper discoloured and peeling away in the bare bedroom that is Sara’s.” – lots of issues here…let’s check them out..  “shivering” is unnecessary.  “cold, damp” is unnecessary.  “discoloured” is spelled wrong.  “that is Sara’s” - Awkwardly phrased.

Next paragraph – It starts out incorrectly (this sounds like it is part of an earlier sentence that would be followed by a comma).  “block” should be “blocks”.  “coming from her mom’s bedroom” – How do we know it’s coming from her mom’s bedroom?  We don’t, we can’t, and it won’t transfer to screen at all.

Somehow I lost the link to your script, and it won’t open up anymore.  Hmmm, weird for sure.  Anyway, I’m sorry but I can’t go on any further.  Just way to time consuming and there are so many problems on just about every single line.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Muse32
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dreamscale,

Took all this on board, I appreciate the in deph comments, I don't see it as harsh and appreciate the feedback.

I totally agree with the majority of the things you said. The only one I didn't with was the word 'discoloured' which is probably spelt different due to me being in the UK and you being in the US (minus the 'u' in the word) ...Oh yeah, in the first scene it's just the one corpse and they're side by side, she's not on top of it.

I don't know whether I'll be able to master writing action in scripts, seem to struggle a lot and either over write or under write like you stated above.

I think I may look for someone to collaborate with on this, and get my story written properly 'cause I don't want to ruin my story through my bad writing. I know if it's written clearly it will be a great read.


-- CLICK ON ME TO READ MY SCRIPTS --

Sent to Hell (Short, Horror) FURY (120+ page Feature, Horror) Dead End Street (29 page Short, Horror) March of the Martyr (6 page Short, Drama)
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds good, man.  Wish I could offer more help.  Glad this helps though.

Don't give up...keep writing. You'll get there, bud.  Just completing a feature script is a great job in itself.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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