The Ambrose Incidents by Frank D. Wilson - Horror - Detective Max Reynolds must overcome personal demons as he struggles to solve a string of grizzly serial murders in his small town. Meanwhile, two strangers arrive with the horrifying answers needed to find and perhaps stop the psychotic killer whose origin is beyond belief.  119 pages - pdf, format

WTF? Is it a prerequisite for every script in the last couple of day to drone on with expositional dialouge? Maybe it's a case of the wood for the tree? WAY too much needless dialouge to establish the essential story here. I get what your trying to do with establishing mood via rain, cigarette smoke, but seriously, this is an old device and one which has been used to much more economical effect in past decades than in the manner it has been used here. You are explaining your story before it starts. Major snooze time. Cue, 2-D characters and tell as opposed to show. I switched off after page 3.

Careful with the loglines: A  grizzly serial murder is different from a grisly serial murder. After reading the first 10 pages I paged to the end. Nothing compelled me to read more. Oh, the format was very good and you can write well but nothing happens quickly in this one.  How about starting out with the killer's initial kill scene? And a sledgehammer killer? Dragging his hammer? The tightening of your too-pretty prose into concise movie dialogue and actions will help a lot.

Gary

As said, the format is good, very. I was determined to read further than the previous two posts but I couldn't manage it. I got the idea of what you were trying to do, but my, it's a hard read. I got fifteen pages in before I had to stop. I couldn't relate to any of the characters and I couldn't care less what happened to them. The dialogue and descriptions just didn't sound real. I flicked back to the start to see what was wrong or if it was me. In my humble, the settings aren't properly set. There's lots of smoking and weather and exposition / set up but there's no descriptions of the people. How much can you care about someone who isn't described and talks about something to which you can't (yet) relate? Sorry I can't be more positive. All I'm saying is there probably is a good script here but bear in mind what the two previous posts said, rewrite and hook in 10 pages.